Uncomfortable hearing about pregnancy at 4 weeks?

[Anonymous]

13 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The point of the anecdote is that noone who has lost a baby would ever announce a pregnancy early again."

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. However, your experiences, while tragic, really only inform you on what YOU would do, not no one or everyone else. Are you the SIL poster? I can understand how you would feel very sensitive to the issue. Still, your message came across as being spiteful, and judgmental. Your loss doesn't give you the right to make decisions on what behaviors are right for other people, nor does it make it right to sound glad you could say "I told you so" to someone else suffering a loss. It's an ugly way to go through life.

You are mixing posters together. I said she wouldn't do this twice, but the SIL story was not mine.

I didn't say she can't inform people whenever she wants to or that I disapprove of her in some way. What I am saying is that you are only that naive once.

God forbid something should happen to this girl, not something I could ever wish on anyone btw not in a million years. But I do think that she is very innocent and unaware of the very real risks she faces. Don't 25% of early pregnancies end in m/c, anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You are mixing posters together. I said she wouldn't do this twice, but the SIL story was not mine.

I didn't say she can't inform people whenever she wants to or that I disapprove of her in some way. What I am saying is that you are only that naive once.

God forbid something should happen to this girl, not something I could ever wish on anyone btw not in a million years. But I do think that she is very innocent and unaware of the very real risks she faces. Don't 25% of early pregnancies end in m/c, anyway?

What girl are you talking about? First, the 25 percent (I actually heard more like 20 percent) figure includes all miscarriages, including those pregnancies that a woman doesn't even notice. It's not necessarily a precise number. Second, that figure drops once you see the heartbeat, which we did at 6 weeks, and then hear the heartbeat, which we did in the first trimester. Third, it's really irrelevant. The point is, many people are that "naive" more than once, because it is not always naivete that drives a person to disclose pregnancy news. Some people, sure, are just hopeful and have not thought through the risks. Others are aware of the risks but think it won't happen to them. Others know it might happen to them, but choose to be happy and celebrate the pregnancy anyway. Others, as other posters have already explained to you, are just open people who don't believe that miscarriage is a shameful or exceptionally private topic, any more than the loss of an in-the-flesh child might be. Why should someone be silent about their pregnancy simply because, as with everything in life, there are risks to the happy ending? One reason, probably the primary reason, that many people do not talk about pregnancy early on is because they don't want to HAVE to talk about a miscarriage if it happens. It's not because there is anything inherently shameful, embarassing, or secretive about a miscarriage. It's not about your comfort, OP, and others. So just get over it and say congratulations! And don't EVEN think about throwing cold water on their news by telling them their miscarriage risks. I've seen people do that, and I'm always gobsmacked that someone could be so horrible.

[Anonymous]

I defintely feel uncomfortable when a first time pregnant mom announces she is pregnat and it is veyr early on. Because she reminds me of my self with my first pregnancy. I truly knew of NO ONE who had ever had a miscarriage. They wrote about m/c in the pregnancy books but it was always basically reassuring (they don't happen that often, no need to worry, you will be fine) and only much later did I realize a lot of people I knew had had a miscarriage -- they just hadn't shared the information.

So I announced my pregnany to a LOT of people around 5 weeks. I was EXCITED! I had it all planned out! I wanted the world to know! And my one colleague told me flatly "I had a m/c at 7 weeks" and I thought she was being SO RUDE and mean. Then at 10 weeks I did have a m/c and that colleague felt so bad -- she sent me a bouquet of flowers and a very nice note.

After I told people about the m/c they all started telling me about the time they had one, or their aunt had two, etc/ So I realized it wasn't unusual at all. I just hadn't known.

So yeah, if a young, first time pregnant mom starts sharing the news early, and feels like it can't happen to her, I don't say anything but congratulations, and I hope for the best for her.

[Anonymous]

I'm the "SIL poster". My point in telling that story wasn't that my dear SIL deserved what happened or she wasn't a "good" girl, it was that she ended up being hurt repeatedly and suffering more than otherwise when she announced so early. She had thought that if she'd have a miscarriage she'd then want all the support from everyone who knew but in the end, she was faced with too many phone calls, knowing too many people had to pass on the news, and then still having to correct people for many weeks. For the record, I was very sad for her, very sorry for her, and she and I spoke openly about it for a long time. I wouldn't wish this on her or anyone.

My point is that people need stronger filters. Now that we CAN verify pregnancy so early, now that we CAN announce on FB, Twitter, email, see a h/b on an u/s, we feel like it's ok to tell people very personal things early on. If you want to do so, fine. But I think it's ok for those of us on the receiving end to feel uncomfortable. I do feel very uncomfortable hearing about pregnancy at four freaking weeks, which is OP's question.

[Anonymous]

I think when you've had miscarriages yourself it is awkward and sometimes feels almost condescending to have other people announce their pregnancies so early to you. It is as if they are sure nothing like that will happen to them because you were just an inferior model.

Obviously, that's not really what they are thinking, but in the moment it can feel that way. The discomfort can also be cultural: I am not religiously Jewish, but I grew up with the taboo of talking much about pregnancies and babies before they were born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the "SIL poster". My point in telling that story wasn't that my dear SIL deserved what happened or she wasn't a "good" girl, it was that she ended up being hurt repeatedly and suffering more than otherwise when she announced so early. She had thought that if she'd have a miscarriage she'd then want all the support from everyone who knew but in the end, she was faced with too many phone calls, knowing too many people had to pass on the news, and then still having to correct people for many weeks. For the record, I was very sad for her, very sorry for her, and she and I spoke openly about it for a long time. I wouldn't wish this on her or anyone.

My point is that people need stronger filters. Now that we CAN verify pregnancy so early, now that we CAN announce on FB, Twitter, email, see a h/b on an u/s, we feel like it's ok to tell people very personal things early on. If you want to do so, fine. But I think it's ok for those of us on the receiving end to feel uncomfortable. I do feel very uncomfortable hearing about pregnancy at four freaking weeks, which is OP's question.

I couldn't have put it any better myself. This is exactly how I feel, too.

[Anonymous]

A lot of this IS technology. I had a 4-5 week miscarriage -- which is really like having a late period. My mom remarked on the fact that when she was having her pregnancies, a pregnancy couldn't be verified until two periods were missed. So a lot of these early miscarriages were never known about -- just written off as late periods or "scares."

[Anonymous]

I am one of those who shared the news early, but necessarily because I wanted to. First of all, I had hyperemsis and ended up in the hopsital and out of work for a month and a half. It started around week 8 and there was no hiding it. Second, my office offered sabbatical leaves at the time. I was hoping to combine maternity leave with a sabbactical. The applications for sabbacticals were due at the same time as I was finding out I was pregnant. So I spilled the beans so that I could get the extra 3 months off.