Mom always wants us to help her out with her work event when we visit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There s a big difference between helping out with personal tasks (which you absolutely should do for a parent) versus helping someone perform their job. Her employer is taking advantage of her and by extension, you, even if unintentionally.

OP here, this sums up how I feel. If she was asking us to go to the grocery store or Target to pick up a few things, it wouldn't be a problem. Similarly, if my Mom was running a restaurant that she started from the ground up, that would be different too. But she's working for a mid-sized university (one that a majority of people on this board have heard of), and while she's not at the top of the food chain in her department, she's not at the bottom either; it's frustrating that she can't stick her neck out, and try to get some college kid to help set up name tags, instead of using her kids who are in town for a short time for free labor, or ask a co-workers, "hey Donna, my kids are in town this weekend, can you help with the set up for the Baxter lecture instead?"

I still don’t get it. You feel like her employer is taking advantage of her? I’m not saying you’re wrong, but hours need to say more to help us understand. I assume she has a job to do that includes x number of tasks, including setting out nametags and picking up catering. If the Baxter event falls on the weekend when you’re visiting, she still has to do all of the tasks. I don’t see how her employer is taking advantage of her to expect her to get those things done. Her workload doesn’t decrease just because you’re in town.

I need you to say more about how you see this differently from me.

This. Your helping means you get to spend more time together, because otherwise, she will be doing that stuff by herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to work while you’re in town, so she’s including you in her work. I don’t see the problem.

I agree with this take. She’s only been there two years, she may not have much flexibility on her schedule.

[Anonymous]

Is it that she is growing older and literally needs the support and help?

[Anonymous]

I've had a job like this. Unless you help (since you're there at the time the work has to get done), she will have to do it all herself.

Maybe don't visit when your mom is busy.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked that so many posters are ok with just working someone elses job while theyre supposed to be visiting? Like how bizarre to ask your child to go do YOUR job while they are visiting.

I agree with pp about asking which weekend she isn't working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that so many posters are ok with just working someone elses job while theyre supposed to be visiting? Like how bizarre to ask your child to go do YOUR job while they are visiting.

I agree with pp about asking which weekend she isn't working.

I don't get preferring to sit at home doing nothing while someone works. Assuming your parents are able bodied, do they do nothing to help you when they come visit? My mom does a lot to try to lighten my load while she's there - its all work I do otherwise, but why would she just sit around and watch me do it if we could do it together to make it a bit easier to me and have some time together? When family comes to visit us they take on some of the work and I do the same when I visit them. If the work your mom is literal work - what difference does it make? I'm helped my mom address envelopes for her volunteer job, weed her garden, repair things, cook etc. I truly cannot fathom either of us sitting around on our duffs watching the other one work while visiting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems crazy to me that you are so bothered by this. Think of all your mother must have done for you in your life and you begrudge her this? Ugh, I feel sorry for her having a kid like you.

+1 I was ready to take OP's side when they said they get pulled into "more involved" tasks, but then it was . . . picking something up or setting out name tags. I'm getting the feeling that OP is a man and thinks visiting family means mom doing for him, not him helping mom. He can't quite explain why this is a problem without articulating that he's a jerk, so he's worked himself up about university marketing budgets. It's kind of funny, really.

I like to assume the best of people. But I am getting an image of OP as a young man whose mom was a SAHM while he was growing up and he’s used to her doing all the work for him, serving him. Now she has a job outside the home AND is asking him to help, and he’s having trouble with the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Do you ask if it’s a good time to visit or just go at your convenience? I agree with the PPs who say to ask when she’ll be available for a visit without having to work. Event staffers dont have M-F 9 to 5 jobs.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, why wouldn’t you want to help your mom? We aren’t talking about manual labor but running an errand or doing name tags? I can’t imagine the level of entitlement one must feel to begrudge this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Mom works in events planning for a medium sized college in the town I grew up in. She's been in this job for about two years. Whenever my siblings and I have been up to visit, and there's an event at the college that occurs at the same time, she'll inevitably recruit us to help out to some degree. Sometimes its an innocuous task (ex. driving some programs from her office to an auditorium across campus), but other times it can be a more in-depth task (ex. pick up a catering order, help set up name tags for an event). These tasks are never "public facing," so we're not interacting with other university staff/event attendees. My Mom will always spin this as "oh, I really need your help! It'll be so quick, and it'll be a bonding experience!"

In the past, I've gone along with it, but lately, it's been bothering me more and more. We're taking time out of our schedules to travel and spend time with my parents, not to serve as free labor. I know that my Mom's university has budget issues, so I think that hiring extra staff isn't necessarily an option, but this feels wrong on a few different levels.

You can always stay where you are instead of going home.

[Anonymous]

Just be sure to only visit when she is off work in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to work while you’re in town, so she’s including you in her work. I don’t see the problem.

I agree with this take. She’s only been there two years, she may not have much flexibility on her schedule.

She wouldn't be doing this if her job was in more sensitive fields like medicine or investing. What does she do when she doesn't have her kids around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure to only visit when she is off work in the future.

My sister behaves like this. I traveled half way around the world with my kids to see her, and she saw it as a great opportunity to go out to dinner with local friends and use me for free baby sitting. I promptly organized to go and visit my own friends. Maybe the OP should plan a schedule of activities eg visits to other friends and relatives, so that she's not available for free labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked that so many posters are ok with just working someone elses job while theyre supposed to be visiting? Like how bizarre to ask your child to go do YOUR job while they are visiting.

I agree with pp about asking which weekend she isn't working.

I don't get preferring to sit at home doing nothing while someone works. Assuming your parents are able bodied, do they do nothing to help you when they come visit? My mom does a lot to try to lighten my load while she's there - its all work I do otherwise, but why would she just sit around and watch me do it if we could do it together to make it a bit easier to me and have some time together? When family comes to visit us they take on some of the work and I do the same when I visit them. If the work your mom is literal work - what difference does it make? I'm helped my mom address envelopes for her volunteer job, weed her garden, repair things, cook etc. I truly cannot fathom either of us sitting around on our duffs watching the other one work while visiting

You are doing volunteer tasks and domestic duties - not conference and event work where contracts and financial transactions and clients are involved.

[Anonymous]

Supposing the OP works for a law firm or a software company or a defense contractor. Is it OK for Mom to help them out with their job when she goes to visit them, or would this be illegal. I'm guessing the latter.