Can I go on vacation out of state with my kids if DH and I have no custody agreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving your kids for 7 weeks isn't going to look good if it comes down to a custody battle.

You need a lawyer, and a plan. Just taking them isn't a plan, but leaving them for 7 weeks isn't either.

I don’t know, pp. It would be different if he was willing to take care of the kids on his own, but he wants the OP to come back and take care of the kids while he is at work, and then when he gets home, he will more or less ignore her and be kind of an ass, constantly threatening divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again. I have no plans to keep them out of state permanently. I have been taking them every summer for seven weeks since kindergarten. I like the idea of me just going for longer so he is compelled to take care of them and I can take care of my parents. But they will hate it. They don’t have a close relationship and he feeds them sugar and unhealthy meals and no structure with video games and movies. They will enjoy that for a few days but not for much longer. They tell me they are still hungry on the one night a week he gives them dinner.

Make meals for them that he can reheat. They cannot develop a close relationship if they don't spend time together. This is a good time for them to spend time together. Movies and video games is ok in moderation.

DP. I am kind of codependent and a pushover, but even I would struggle doing this.
The guy is threatening to file for divorce and custody, and then have the police come to her 80 year old parents house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again. I have no plans to keep them out of state permanently. I have been taking them every summer for seven weeks since kindergarten. I like the idea of me just going for longer so he is compelled to take care of them and I can take care of my parents. But they will hate it. They don’t have a close relationship and he feeds them sugar and unhealthy meals and no structure with video games and movies. They will enjoy that for a few days but not for much longer. They tell me they are still hungry on the one night a week he gives them dinner.

OP you need to focus on moving out and getting a custody agreement that sets all of this out. Unilaterally taking them away for months or leaving yourself is HIGHLY conflictual and not the way you want to go.

If you cannot or will not actually start the legal separation & custody process and insist on prolonging the “parallel parenting” in the same house, then you need to accept that you have to come to a compromise with him. He’s said no to 7 weeks - so you need to get to a midpoint. Ask him if 4 weeks works. You can also offer to put a temporary custody agreement in place before you go that makes clear it’s just a vacation and that you agree that your permanent residence is where he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually take my kids to see my parents for 7 weeks in the summer. I am a teacher so I can do this. They live across the country. DH and I are parallel parenting in same house but nothing formal filed. He said if I take them on the date I usually take them then he will file an order in court and get the police to come to my parent's house when I get there. I am going to talk to a lawyer, but since this "talk" just happened, looking to the folks on DCUM to tell me if he can actually do this. He also wants to dictate when I must come back. My parents are in their late 80s and they don't come here anymore so I want to spend as much time as possible and so do my kids who are in upper elementary. Legally, can he dictate my dates?

What are the police going to do when they get there? Is your husband going to come with them and get the kids? What’s he going to do with them when they get home and you are still with your parents? Is he expecting that you will just come back and parallel parent?

This sounds like more of a threat than a reality to me. He is scared, and he wants some control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again. I have no plans to keep them out of state permanently. I have been taking them every summer for seven weeks since kindergarten. I like the idea of me just going for longer so he is compelled to take care of them and I can take care of my parents. But they will hate it. They don’t have a close relationship and he feeds them sugar and unhealthy meals and no structure with video games and movies. They will enjoy that for a few days but not for much longer. They tell me they are still hungry on the one night a week he gives them dinner.

OP you need to focus on moving out and getting a custody agreement that sets all of this out. Unilaterally taking them away for months or leaving yourself is HIGHLY conflictual and not the way you want to go.

If you cannot or will not actually start the legal separation & custody process and insist on prolonging the “parallel parenting” in the same house, then you need to accept that you have to come to a compromise with him. He’s said no to 7 weeks - so you need to get to a midpoint. Ask him if 4 weeks works. You can also offer to put a temporary custody agreement in place before you go that makes clear it’s just a vacation and that you agree that your permanent residence is where he is.

I’m not the OP, but this sounds like a good idea to me.
Could you even get some kind of notarized document that says this without being legally separated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again. I have no plans to keep them out of state permanently. I have been taking them every summer for seven weeks since kindergarten. I like the idea of me just going for longer so he is compelled to take care of them and I can take care of my parents. But they will hate it. They don’t have a close relationship and he feeds them sugar and unhealthy meals and no structure with video games and movies. They will enjoy that for a few days but not for much longer. They tell me they are still hungry on the one night a week he gives them dinner.

Make meals for them that he can reheat. They cannot develop a close relationship if they don't spend time together. This is a good time for them to spend time together. Movies and video games is ok in moderation.

DP. I am kind of codependent and a pushover, but even I would struggle doing this.
The guy is threatening to file for divorce and custody, and then have the police come to her 80 year old parents house.

And she’s threatening to take the kids out of state for 2 months while preparing to file for custody. I don’t agree with his threats but he’s not wrong to be concerned.

OP is coming off as a bit self-centered and clueless here - exactly like the type of person who would do something like decide “oh, it’s so nice here with the grandparents, obviously the best thing for the kids is to just stay here. I can get a new teaching job easily enough and mom & dad will let us stay here until I get on my feet.”

OP needs to face the reality of the situation and get the ball rolling on an actual custody agreement. And also accept that the era of spending 7 weeks with the grandparents is likely over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually take my kids to see my parents for 7 weeks in the summer. I am a teacher so I can do this. They live across the country. DH and I are parallel parenting in same house but nothing formal filed. He said if I take them on the date I usually take them then he will file an order in court and get the police to come to my parent's house when I get there. I am going to talk to a lawyer, but since this "talk" just happened, looking to the folks on DCUM to tell me if he can actually do this. He also wants to dictate when I must come back. My parents are in their late 80s and they don't come here anymore so I want to spend as much time as possible and so do my kids who are in upper elementary. Legally, can he dictate my dates?

What are the police going to do when they get there? Is your husband going to come with them and get the kids? What’s he going to do with them when they get home and you are still with your parents? Is he expecting that you will just come back and parallel parent?

This sounds like more of a threat than a reality to me. He is scared, and he wants some control.

No, he could absolutely file for emergency custody and then get the order enforced by local police. This is not something to take lightly. Who knows if he would actually do it. But taking the kids out of state unilaterally for months is a really very bad idea. OP needs to wrap her head around the fact that she needs to compromise.

[Anonymous]

I don't think most people would be okay with the other parent taking the kids out of state for a couple months while going through divorce. I doubt OP would have been okay if her husband told her he was taking the kids out of state for the summer to his parents house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving your kids for 7 weeks isn't going to look good if it comes down to a custody battle.

You need a lawyer, and a plan. Just taking them isn't a plan, but leaving them for 7 weeks isn't either.

I don’t know, pp. It would be different if he was willing to take care of the kids on his own, but he wants the OP to come back and take care of the kids while he is at work, and then when he gets home, he will more or less ignore her and be kind of an ass, constantly threatening divorce.

He is working. He cannot take off seven weeks. She is setting this up so he cannot win. Go for a few weeks alone then return with the kids. Kids can be home with dad and do a few weeks in camp. She is the child care in the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most people would be okay with the other parent taking the kids out of state for a couple months while going through divorce. I doubt OP would have been okay if her husband told her he was taking the kids out of state for the summer to his parents house.

She probably will not come back and then he’s out of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks again. I have no plans to keep them out of state permanently. I have been taking them every summer for seven weeks since kindergarten. I like the idea of me just going for longer so he is compelled to take care of them and I can take care of my parents. But they will hate it. They don’t have a close relationship and he feeds them sugar and unhealthy meals and no structure with video games and movies. They will enjoy that for a few days but not for much longer. They tell me they are still hungry on the one night a week he gives them dinner.

Make meals for them that he can reheat. They cannot develop a close relationship if they don't spend time together. This is a good time for them to spend time together. Movies and video games is ok in moderation.

DP. I am kind of codependent and a pushover, but even I would struggle doing this.
The guy is threatening to file for divorce and custody, and then have the police come to her 80 year old parents house.

The guy isn’t threatening anything. He does not want the kids gone that long. Op refuses to leave the kids and will not compromise.

[Anonymous]

In a divorce if he gets shared custody you will not be able to take them for 7 consecutive weeks in the summer. At most 2.

[Anonymous]

Why does it have to be 7 weeks or nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leaving your kids for 7 weeks isn't going to look good if it comes down to a custody battle.

You need a lawyer, and a plan. Just taking them isn't a plan, but leaving them for 7 weeks isn't either.

I don’t know, pp. It would be different if he was willing to take care of the kids on his own, but he wants the OP to come back and take care of the kids while he is at work, and then when he gets home, he will more or less ignore her and be kind of an ass, constantly threatening divorce.

It's hard to make the case that someone shouldn't have the kids because they are an ass and ignore them, when you had not problem leaving them with that person for 7 weeks.

Generally being an ass and ignoring people is very hard to prove in divorce court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. He doesn’t want me to go on my own as then he would have to take care of them. I would love to go when my school ends but I am staying an extra 3 weeks because he won’t take vacation to take care of them alone. And his parents who are only an hour away won’t do it either.

Well I'd be sure to document that for the court. In writing if possible. Doesn't seem like he can handle custody m