ASD Parents - do you have people over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a sign of a larger issue. You are allowing your special need kiddo to hold your family hostage. For years we let our ASD kiddo do the same. We started to break the cycle in middle school and wish I had done it sooner. The truth is she will never live independently if you allow this to continue. You are going to implement some behavioral guidelines and boundaries for her. The sooner the better. I know this sound hard and harsh but its critical for all of you. You CAN do it. Find a behaviorist who can help you. She needs to understand that in life she is not the center of the universe and if she acts like this in the real world she will never have a job, live independently etc. It won't be easy and you will have to endure tantrums etc as you transition from being controlled by her to forcing her to aceept the rules/boundaries but its so important for you and for her.

What’s a kiddo?

A common term of endearment for children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guest, my only "issue" would be with her interrupting conversation and demanding explanations. But I know kids who are like that and while it's annoying it only really bothers me if the parents consistently indulge the child instead of at least trying to shit it down.

Otherwise, can you explain more about why it's a problem that she won't play board games or video games?

She demands our attention much of the time but won’t take part in typical group activities.

I guess what I'm getting at is why do you need her to take part in group activities?

Or are you looking for advice on how to teach her that she can't demand your attention if she doesn't want to participate?

We’ve tried that. We’re working on that. I am unsure anyone would want to come over to our house and be with us as we work on that.

How old is your child?

I have an ASD child, and I don't have people over all the time as I'm an introvert, but I never hesitate to invite who I want to over. She loves having people over and it's my house. Yes, she also constantly interrupts and she is hyper, but your friends that love you, won't mind the behaviors of your child, unless they are extreme.

Op here. Child is 11. Only recently diagnosed. But things have been hard for a long time. She does not have an intellectual disability. She’s actually very bright. It’s part of the challenge and why she thinks she always should be part of adult conversations. PDA profile resonates a lot.

We are not in the exact situation but by the time our kids were that age (tween approaching teen years) we found it more pleasant to leave them at home and go out and socialize elsewhere. I understand you like to entertain at your house but maybe try getting a sitter and go out places without the kids. Our kids are older now and we have one with SN and one who is NT. We are past the babysitter ages and we could have people over and they would not bother us. We still prefer to have completely kid free evenings and meet other adults out without a teen coming in the kitchen for a snack at some point or thinking they are overhearing conversation.

[Anonymous]

Can you find a social group to help her with the interrupting, not eating all of the shared food, and playing games? Then you can have shared language around it to send boundaries at home and can have parties to help her practice? if not social group, would ABA work?

Hope you are able to invite people over soon.

[Anonymous]

What does her therapist suggest? She is in therapy z right? You aren't raising a feral child.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I get more stressed having relatives over vs friends. We don’t share our kids’ diagnosis with relatives who probably wouldn’t get it anyway. So it really stresses me out when my non- social asd kid doesn’t talk to my parents for more than 15 minutes and my adhd kid interrupts constantly. it is a train wreck. Plus we live far from relatives so we need to travel which necessitates multiple days of this. Im already dreading the next visit.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is hard, but I agree with others that you have to do it anyway. Can you do some family hosting, but also find a way to socialize either adults only or your husband handles the kids while you go out? It sounds like extended family is stressful, but if you have friends with or without friends I’m sure they will understand. I would start with shorter visits, like and hour or 2, and make sure you discuss expectations with her ahead of time. I wouldn’t stress about her eating the food - maybe make a kid plate and an adult plate? But if she interrupts adult conversations, etc I would just firmly redirect and correct - it is important for all kids to learn appropriate behavior in social situations. She doesn’t have to play with other kids, but she does need to quietly entertain herself/not be disruptive in adult situations. Maybe make a plan with your husband to either take turns managing her or settling her. You can explain to your friends ahead of time if you’re worried, but I assume if you are friends they already know your daughter. I have an ND kid who often chose not to join in when friends came over; with time he now participates. We also have friends with ND kids and my kids comment that they don’t play together when they visit, but they don’t really mind. It’s good for neurotypical kids to be around your daughter too - the world isn’t made only for NT individuals.

[Anonymous]

My son just turned 3 (diagnosed at 2.5) and we usually just have people over during nap times or after his bedtime, which is thankfully still early-ish. It got too hard to have people over while he was awake - he would get upset and I would feel bad so we just stopped.

[Anonymous]

I think it helps to go through your expectations ahead and tell her exactly what she will do: greet the guests, eat with the family. Then go watch a movie upstairs.

My son is older but he does a ton of chores when we have people over (replenishing crackers, clearing the table, loading the dishwasher). It gives him a concrete task which we appreciate and it makes him happier than socializing. I don’t expect him to spend the whole time with the guests either—he cannot sit and chill with other people, it’s not possible for him.

My experience is that hanging out with other families with ND kids was pretty stressful for all of us and way too chaotic—more fun just to get together with the moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she? Could you have a teen/college”sitter” or family member essentially take her somewhere for 3 hours while you have people over? Could she handle you telling her you are having a “grown up game night/movie night/etc” so you made other plans for her? Does she ever spend the night with a grandparent or anyone else?

We entertain regularly, but our daughter has profound ID and autism. She is super low functioning so she has a sitter during these times. I realize our situation is quite different, but just thought I would throw this idea out there.

A college age sitter and outings is what worked for us. DD enjoys their trips to the movies, etc. and we can relax and socialize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it helps to go through your expectations ahead and tell her exactly what she will do: greet the guests, eat with the family. Then go watch a movie upstairs.

My son is older but he does a ton of chores when we have people over (replenishing crackers, clearing the table, loading the dishwasher). It gives him a concrete task which we appreciate and it makes him happier than socializing. I don’t expect him to spend the whole time with the guests either—he cannot sit and chill with other people, it’s not possible for him.

My experience is that hanging out with other families with ND kids was pretty stressful for all of us and way too chaotic—more fun just to get together with the moms.

All of this.

A house of ND kids is not relaxed, replenishing socializing ime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a guest, my only "issue" would be with her interrupting conversation and demanding explanations. But I know kids who are like that and while it's annoying it only really bothers me if the parents consistently indulge the child instead of at least trying to shit it down.

Otherwise, can you explain more about why it's a problem that she won't play board games or video games?

She demands our attention much of the time but won’t take part in typical group activities.

I guess what I'm getting at is why do you need her to take part in group activities?

Or are you looking for advice on how to teach her that she can't demand your attention if she doesn't want to participate?

We’ve tried that. We’re working on that. I am unsure anyone would want to come over to our house and be with us as we work on that.

How old is your child?

I have an ASD child, and I don't have people over all the time as I'm an introvert, but I never hesitate to invite who I want to over. She loves having people over and it's my house. Yes, she also constantly interrupts and she is hyper, but your friends that love you, won't mind the behaviors of your child, unless they are extreme.

Op here. Child is 11. Only recently diagnosed. But things have been hard for a long time. She does not have an intellectual disability. She’s actually very bright. It’s part of the challenge and why she thinks she always should be part of adult conversations. PDA profile resonates a lot.

I have a similar child, I socialize out of the house with adults or have a college student take her on outings. This is not a profile that will lead to relaxing socializing with others. You need to meet those needs for you and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a sign of a larger issue. You are allowing your special need kiddo to hold your family hostage. For years we let our ASD kiddo do the same. We started to break the cycle in middle school and wish I had done it sooner. The truth is she will never live independently if you allow this to continue. You are going to implement some behavioral guidelines and boundaries for her. The sooner the better. I know this sound hard and harsh but its critical for all of you. You CAN do it. Find a behaviorist who can help you. She needs to understand that in life she is not the center of the universe and if she acts like this in the real world she will never have a job, live independently etc. It won't be easy and you will have to endure tantrums etc as you transition from being controlled by her to forcing her to aceept the rules/boundaries but its so important for you and for her.

What’s a kiddo?

Not to threadjack, but this response made me laugh out loud. I agree--the term "kiddo" is so disrespectful and infantalizing--it really sets off a red flag for me about practitioners who use this term in reference to my child.

I think you are being oversensitive, pp. Not worth crossing off a provider who could really help your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it helps to go through your expectations ahead and tell her exactly what she will do: greet the guests, eat with the family. Then go watch a movie upstairs.

My son is older but he does a ton of chores when we have people over (replenishing crackers, clearing the table, loading the dishwasher). It gives him a concrete task which we appreciate and it makes him happier than socializing. I don’t expect him to spend the whole time with the guests either—he cannot sit and chill with other people, it’s not possible for him.

My experience is that hanging out with other families with ND kids was pretty stressful for all of us and way too chaotic—more fun just to get together with the moms.

All of this.

A house of ND kids is not relaxed, replenishing socializing ime.

DP who also agrees.