ASD Parents - do you have people over?
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Anonymous
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Husband and I are outgoing and social. Late diagnosed ASD kid has relatively low support needs but is also super rigid and attention seeking.
I miss friends. I miss having people over. I can’t figure out how to do it in our small house without triggering our kid. She won’t play board games or video games or games with rules. She won’t watch movies. She inserts herself into every conversation demanding explanations even when it’s not relevant to her. She binges good food put out for guests. She’s beloved and exhausting and I was raised around enough perfectionism that I can’t figure out how to be a good host while also tending to her needs so I just never have people over. It’s lonely. Our house is reasonably clean and well decorated. My husband is a great cook. We miss friends. How do other people manage this? Clearly we need more friends with neurodiverse kids who get it. Working on that. |
Anonymous
| We are not in the dmv, but I am feeling this hard! Tonight my “typical” dd is having a sleepover party, and my borderline asd / adhd eldest daughter has been so challenging. Crying over perceived inequities, interrupting the other kids… We have 2 highly social kids so we socialize anyway. We prep our eldest, which helps, but unfortunately she often ends up going to time out at least once or just getting mad and sulky. She says she likes our gatherings though, and she is always allowed to go to her room and have privacy/space. I do get so embarrassed sometimes which I hate to admit |
Anonymous
| DH takes DS to visit his parents and I have friends over while they're away. Sigh. |
Anonymous
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How old is she? Could you have a teen/college”sitter” or family member essentially take her somewhere for 3 hours while you have people over? Could she handle you telling her you are having a “grown up game night/movie night/etc” so you made other plans for her? Does she ever spend the night with a grandparent or anyone else?
We entertain regularly, but our daughter has profound ID and autism. She is super low functioning so she has a sitter during these times. I realize our situation is quite different, but just thought I would throw this idea out there. |
Anonymous
A sitter is a good idea. Could the sitter take her to a movie or another activity. Also, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Good friends will understand and be willing to work with your daughter’s challenges. Just have them over any way. |
Anonymous
| Do you have family nearby? Could your child go to grandparents for a special evening while you have company? Or can grandparents/babysitter stay home with your kid while you go out for dinner with friends? Are certain hours of the day better- for example, maybe brunch so your ASD can easily get some air and space in your backyard if needed? I’m sorry op. |
Anonymous
| The answer to question is no. |
Anonymous
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OP - grandparents aren’t nearby and child isn’t comfortable with them overnight (see prior reference to perfectionist upbringing.)
When child was younger we would have other families with kids over but now our kid really doesn’t play well with other kids. Sigh. |
Anonymous
| This is a sign of a larger issue. You are allowing your special need kiddo to hold your family hostage. For years we let our ASD kiddo do the same. We started to break the cycle in middle school and wish I had done it sooner. The truth is she will never live independently if you allow this to continue. You are going to implement some behavioral guidelines and boundaries for her. The sooner the better. I know this sound hard and harsh but its critical for all of you. You CAN do it. Find a behaviorist who can help you. She needs to understand that in life she is not the center of the universe and if she acts like this in the real world she will never have a job, live independently etc. It won't be easy and you will have to endure tantrums etc as you transition from being controlled by her to forcing her to aceept the rules/boundaries but its so important for you and for her. |
Anonymous
| How old is she? Is it that she wants to be involved in the socializing and gets triggered, or does she not want to participate at all because the whole thing's unpleasant for her? Is she able to be set up in another room with a preferred movie or TV show and snacks and have a parent check in on her every half hour? |
Anonymous
What’s a kiddo? |
Anonymous
+100 truthfully, my son has moderate asd, cognitive issues, adhd-severe. We have people over all the time and are not lonely an all. He is also attention seeking, eats the appetizers (well, he tries anyway!), needs o go to bed at a certain time, is rigid and overly emotional/dysregulated all the time. We’ve made family socializing part of the routine and give him an individual screen in a separate room if it gets too much. It helps that our friends are down to earth people. |
Anonymous
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As a guest, my only "issue" would be with her interrupting conversation and demanding explanations. But I know kids who are like that and while it's annoying it only really bothers me if the parents consistently indulge the child instead of at least trying to shit it down.
Otherwise, can you explain more about why it's a problem that she won't play board games or video games? |
Anonymous
She demands our attention much of the time but won’t take part in typical group activities. |
Anonymous
I guess what I'm getting at is why do you need her to take part in group activities? Or are you looking for advice on how to teach her that she can't demand your attention if she doesn't want to participate? |