Where lifelong friends are made?

[Anonymous]

I think this is a dicy goal because making lifelong friends in college can sometimes depend on your personality, your fit for the school, and some luck of the draw (sometimes people just get unlucky with roommate assignments, dorms, or the cohort in their major).

A major factor is also where people go after college. I would consider where he might want to live after college and try to go to a school that tends to send a lot of alums there. I actually think this is the biggest factor at play. For instance, I know a lot of Notre Dame and Williams alums in the DC area who are still very good friends with their college friends. And I do think those schools tend to have pretty active alumni networks. BUT would you have the same experience if you moved to Seattle or Houston after college? I have no idea, but I would anticipate neither of those schools sends a ton of alumni to Seattle and that Williams, at least, doesn't send a lot of people to Houston.

Also, if you think you will do grad school, that can supersede undergrad friends because grad school tends to be more intense than undergrad, and you have smaller cohorts, and it encourages closeness a bit more in my experience. I have away more close friends from grad school than undergrad (though this might also be because I live in the city where I attended grad school, but am halfway across the country from where I attended undergrad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a dicy goal because making lifelong friends in college can sometimes depend on your personality, your fit for the school, and some luck of the draw (sometimes people just get unlucky with roommate assignments, dorms, or the cohort in their major).

A major factor is also where people go after college. I would consider where he might want to live after college and try to go to a school that tends to send a lot of alums there. I actually think this is the biggest factor at play. For instance, I know a lot of Notre Dame and Williams alums in the DC area who are still very good friends with their college friends. And I do think those schools tend to have pretty active alumni networks. BUT would you have the same experience if you moved to Seattle or Houston after college? I have no idea, but I would anticipate neither of those schools sends a ton of alumni to Seattle and that Williams, at least, doesn't send a lot of people to Houston.

Also, if you think you will do grad school, that can supersede undergrad friends because grad school tends to be more intense than undergrad, and you have smaller cohorts, and it encourages closeness a bit more in my experience. I have away more close friends from grad school than undergrad (though this might also be because I live in the city where I attended grad school, but am halfway across the country from where I attended undergrad).

+1 I still keep loosely in touch with a group from college and have 1 friend I visit every couple years but the school is in CA while I'm in DC. I know the friends who stayed in CA have much deeper connections and it was much more of a lifelong-friends experience for them, and would have for me if I'd stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very close with about a half a dozen friends I met at an HYP. My sisters who went to small liberal arts colleges are much closer with their high school friends. I don't know if there's a pattern to be read in that or not, probably not.

I know an older guy who went to Earlham who goes on a days long hike every year with his college buddies. So maybe Earlham? Idk

When I was in college, I had many male friends. I got along with the males more than my female classmates. While we hung out all through college, my male friends and I drifted apart after we got married. I regret not making closer female friends in college and grad school. I worked in a male dominated field and never had a close female colleague at work.

I made my closest friends after I became a mother.

+1
Though I had female friends in K-12, and hung out with plenty of women I liked and had fun with in college, I was slow to get the code of what makes adult female friendships closer. My style of friendship suited more male groups of friends--activity and interest based rather than intimacy based and so I ended up with more male college friends. (I have ADHD and I've since learned this is common for girls/women with ADHD). And as people got married, move away, it does get harder to keep up with friends generally---and even more so across genders. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s-early 30s that I started to recognize how women became close friends. Thanks for reminding me that this is something I should explicitly share with my HS daughter who has ADHD about developing friends in college. To OPs point, I think sharing stories about what you are happy with/regret about your own college friendships and asking them questions about what kinds of friendships they want--may be one way of planting seeds about this with your kid. Because I agree with most, it's the person not the school that matters most.

[Anonymous]

I went to a SLAC in PA and we all scattered different directions after graduation. We stayed close for a few years, but started drifting as we each met our spouses and settled in different areas. We are all on the east coast, but I haven't seen or spoken to them in probably a decade. Maybe that was us or maybe that was that the town where our college was located wasn't a post-graduation destination for any of us.

I think state schools maybe help that if you plan to stay in that state. I feel like UVA and JMU grads have more friends from their college years around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very close with about a half a dozen friends I met at an HYP. My sisters who went to small liberal arts colleges are much closer with their high school friends. I don't know if there's a pattern to be read in that or not, probably not.

I know an older guy who went to Earlham who goes on a days long hike every year with his college buddies. So maybe Earlham? Idk

When I was in college, I had many male friends. I got along with the males more than my female classmates. While we hung out all through college, my male friends and I drifted apart after we got married. I regret not making closer female friends in college and grad school. I worked in a male dominated field and never had a close female colleague at work.

I made my closest friends after I became a mother.

+1
Though I had female friends in K-12, and hung out with plenty of women I liked and had fun with in college, I was slow to get the code of what makes adult female friendships closer. My style of friendship suited more male groups of friends--activity and interest based rather than intimacy based and so I ended up with more male college friends. (I have ADHD and I've since learned this is common for girls/women with ADHD). And as people got married, move away, it does get harder to keep up with friends generally---and even more so across genders. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s-early 30s that I started to recognize how women became close friends. Thanks for reminding me that this is something I should explicitly share with my HS daughter who has ADHD about developing friends in college. To OPs point, I think sharing stories about what you are happy with/regret about your own college friendships and asking them questions about what kinds of friendships they want--may be one way of planting seeds about this with your kid. Because I agree with most, it's the person not the school that matters most.

Can you share with me? I don't think I really understand it.

[Anonymous]

Kindergarten.

I still have the same childhood BF, grew up in the same street. Then- a few friends each decade of my life--college, work colleagues, mom friends, neighbor, etc.

My Senior in HS has the same core 6 friends that met in elementary school. They all attend different HS now but still get together most weekends. Very close. Several have been admitted to the same school (not planned) which is pretty cool.

[Anonymous]

My HS student isn't close with anyone from Kindergarten and we never moved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kindergarten.

I still have the same childhood BF, grew up in the same street. Then- a few friends each decade of my life--college, work colleagues, mom friends, neighbor, etc.

My Senior in HS has the same core 6 friends that met in elementary school. They all attend different HS now but still get together most weekends. Very close. Several have been admitted to the same school (not planned) which is pretty cool.

Same experience for me and my son. Those young friendships are special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a dicy goal because making lifelong friends in college can sometimes depend on your personality, your fit for the school, and some luck of the draw (sometimes people just get unlucky with roommate assignments, dorms, or the cohort in their major).

A major factor is also where people go after college. I would consider where he might want to live after college and try to go to a school that tends to send a lot of alums there. I actually think this is the biggest factor at play. For instance, I know a lot of Notre Dame and Williams alums in the DC area who are still very good friends with their college friends. And I do think those schools tend to have pretty active alumni networks. BUT would you have the same experience if you moved to Seattle or Houston after college? I have no idea, but I would anticipate neither of those schools sends a ton of alumni to Seattle and that Williams, at least, doesn't send a lot of people to Houston.

Also, if you think you will do grad school, that can supersede undergrad friends because grad school tends to be more intense than undergrad, and you have smaller cohorts, and it encourages closeness a bit more in my experience. I have away more close friends from grad school than undergrad (though this might also be because I live in the city where I attended grad school, but am halfway across the country from where I attended undergrad).

Interesting about the grad school aspect! I’ve always pictured grad school students to be so busy and career focused with less time for friendships, so this is nice to hear.

I also think that where college grads end up living makes a big difference in keeping their connections long term.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I get what you are saying but a good parent gives roots and wings. Your child needs to develop his own friends. Start with finding a good college fit. Discuss activities and hobbies.

There is no one way to make friends or recipe for who gets college friends that keep in touch. My closest friend is from middle school. I have friends from different periods of my life. I don’t have ADHD- what was that about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am very close with about a half a dozen friends I met at an HYP. My sisters who went to small liberal arts colleges are much closer with their high school friends. I don't know if there's a pattern to be read in that or not, probably not.

I know an older guy who went to Earlham who goes on a days long hike every year with his college buddies. So maybe Earlham? Idk

When I was in college, I had many male friends. I got along with the males more than my female classmates. While we hung out all through college, my male friends and I drifted apart after we got married. I regret not making closer female friends in college and grad school. I worked in a male dominated field and never had a close female colleague at work.

I made my closest friends after I became a mother.

+1
Though I had female friends in K-12, and hung out with plenty of women I liked and had fun with in college, I was slow to get the code of what makes adult female friendships closer. My style of friendship suited more male groups of friends--activity and interest based rather than intimacy based and so I ended up with more male college friends. (I have ADHD and I've since learned this is common for girls/women with ADHD). And as people got married, move away, it does get harder to keep up with friends generally---and even more so across genders. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s-early 30s that I started to recognize how women became close friends. Thanks for reminding me that this is something I should explicitly share with my HS daughter who has ADHD about developing friends in college. To OPs point, I think sharing stories about what you are happy with/regret about your own college friendships and asking them questions about what kinds of friendships they want--may be one way of planting seeds about this with your kid. Because I agree with most, it's the person not the school that matters most.

What is the code? Trying to help my DD learn this…

[Anonymous]

Not in touch with anyone I knew in college, and I am fine with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's not the college, it's the fit. If the college is a good fit for your child, they will hopefully find other like-minded kids where they have a lot in common and can become lifelong friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kindergarten.

I still have the same childhood BF, grew up in the same street. Then- a few friends each decade of my life--college, work colleagues, mom friends, neighbor, etc.

My Senior in HS has the same core 6 friends that met in elementary school. They all attend different HS now but still get together most weekends. Very close. Several have been admitted to the same school (not planned) which is pretty cool.

This is my 11th grade son and his friend group. There are 6 of them who met at age 4 in PK. They're still best friends 13 years later although they all attend different high schools.
They do things like get together and eat breakfast on the weekends.
I imagine they'll be friends when they're 80.