Which grade does bullying begin?
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Anonymous
The relational aggression was the girls. ^^ |
Anonymous
+1. We moved from one of the more affluent (wealthy) ESs to a strong ES/MS/HS path that was more UMC and ethnically diverse. My then rising 5th grade DD fought the move, hard. A month into her new school, I asked her how it was going, and the answer was: "Mom, the kids are so much nicer here.". It stayed that way through HS. My DD was not a queen bee. She was more of “a few close friends” kid. But she says she was never bullied. The year before we moved (DD after 4th grade and Dd after 2nd) I volunteered once a month as a lunchroom monitor (give the teachers a lunch break, etc). 3-4 girls from DD’s class where standing around on of DD’s friends. She on the heavy side of normal, but healthy and actively participated in athletics and dance outside of school. She had a very nutritious lunch packed, but the Queen Bees were *writing every bite she took in a notebook*. To take home and get the calorie count and report it back to her the next day to “help her be less fat”. They were telling her that fat girls shouldn’t be eating bananas. I told the girls to go back to their seats and cut it out, and reported it to the teacher in charge who shrugged in a “kids will be kids” way. So, I emailed the teacher who was basically like “yeah, kids can be mean sometimes”. I was horrified. That happened to a 9-10 year old, and that the teachers and Admin just let it happen. Probably because these girls moms ran the PTA, hadna lotmofmtime enrgy and money to spend, and the newish principal wasnt willing or able to cross them. I ended up talking to the girls mom, who was a friend/acquaintance. She had no idea this was going on. I knew the mothers of some of the girls who were bullying DD’s friend and they were 40 year old mean girls (which is not a good look, no matter how much Botox you get)! They very snotty about the fact I worked, in a condescending, "pconcern trolling, “it must ne so hard to be away from your kids all day, but maybe your husband will be able to suppprt you and kids one day". Michele Obama was telling you to Rise Above at the time, so I just said, "maybe". I thought but didn't say: B**ch, I survived law school and the bar. I can survive you. AND, I’m. d*mn well going to use my degree (plus I hate cooking, cleaning, decorating, etc). Meanwhile, several of these women were SAHMs with FT nannies on early release Monday (still a thing then), after school and weekend. These were the moms who laid by their pools at end of the year get together and moaned about being unable to move a piano lesson away from the nanny's day off, and it was just too much stress to for them to deal with the lesson by themselves so they were thinking about cancelling the lessons. The other WOH mom and I in the group just looked at each other and left, said oir goodbyes and left. I was an EC co-leader, and the prior year, when DD was in 3rd grade and we were at an activity, I watched some of the same kids bully a girl who was a bit "off" in how she presented herself and later got a Dx of HFS and ADHD. They were mimicking her body language and tone and were saying in loud whispers that that the girls and I could both hear that the "re**rd" shouldn't be in a group with "normal" kids. I called the mothers of the 2 ringleaders. one was "Don’t over react to kids being kids". The other mother flat out accused me of lying and said (i kid you not)— Larla would never do tnat because we are Unitarians". W.T.A.F???h We moving anyway for a number of reasons, including Dh and I not fitting in because we both worked. Getting closed to his job But what sealed the deal was the cafeteria incident. And the day that DS came home upset (2nd grade) because kids were mocking him for being poor. Why did they think a lawyer and a software engineer was poor? Because we didn't have an in ground pool. WTF? I didn’t want my kids to grow up in a bubble where the kids who live in “only” $800k homes (20 years ago. At least double that today) were “The Poors” because no pool, where a mom who worked had her kid excluded from outings and play dates, because they were scheduled on early release Monday and I worked (moms were expected to be there with the kid. And on and on. And because ai knew if this was accepted by parents and the school in 4 th grade, MS and HS were going to be a living he11. BTW— the ADHD/HFA kid moved to private in HS after absolutely shocking bullying that the school did not address. As in, a boy she had a crush on combing her to send a topless picture in 8th grade, then blasted it school wide (no real consequences at the school or from local LEO the mom contacted). The a little bit pudgy girl’s family also moved to a less wealth/ more UMC FCPS pyramid. And one of my fiends had a SPED daughter a couple of grades behind my kids. They spent years looking for a Dx to explain her cognitive impairment and off mannerisms and finally genetic testing showed a rare illness. They moved to a different pyramid. I don’t want to cave for bullies, but if the parents and school allowed it, ai wanted my kids out of there. And, a I’m not saying our new schools were perfect. But the education was great and bullying went way, way down. The saddest part of all of it is that among the girls who bullied (DS moved as a rising 3rd grader and had not hit much bullying yet), the worst offenders had mothers who either refused to believe their kid could do any wrong or were themselves bullies (this was not an area where dads were very involved. Over six years and multiple ECs, I literally never saw some of the dads). My DH and one other were often the only dads showing up for PT conferences, to chaperone trips, to help man GS cookie booths, etc. Check in with your kids. Let them know being bullied is not somehow their fault and they should always come to you. IME (which I know is limited) the bullying often gets “half naked pics distributed to a middle school” bad before parents find out. And realize you can’t choose your kids friend group in MS and ES. . But you can certainly influence it, by signing them up for ECs with and encouraging them to have play dates with nice kids with nice, down to Earth parents who would shut down bullying behavior. Kids don’t just wake up one day as bullies. They often have spent their lives watch mom and dad bully others, and themselves started bullying with no consequences. |
Anonymous
Wow. Diarrhea of the mouth, much? Or should I say keyboard. |
Anonymous
Adult bully, exhibit A |
Anonymous
I find this part interesting. In my experience, the wealthy tend to be fairly secure and less aggressive on a personal level (until you get to the so-rich-the-rules-don't-apply-to-me crowd, and most of those kids go to private). It's the UMC strivers that seem to feel like they have something to prove and do it by tearing down those they perceive as lesser than them to boost themselves up. It's like a sociological study for my spouse and me as neither of us grew up in the DMV. |
Anonymous
I'm so sorry for the things you saw. This is my fear too - I was bullied ruthlessly as a kid at a fancy private school. Don't think administration ever did anything about it beyond light reprimanding and it was definitely visible at times (e.g. spit balls fired at me throughout class). Rich kids can be awful. We are at a great DCPS school that is very effective at preventing and addressing bullying, it's clear that they take it very seriously. However moving to Fairfax county and worried about how my kids will fare at the next school. I really hope school admins take it as seriously as our current school. If there is anything that helps a bully, it's administration and parents that gloss over it as "kids will be kids". And yes, the PP's comment re: diarrhea is pretty exemplary of someone who is a bully. |
Anonymous
Our family is only one data point. Moving from an elementary school where many kids lived in houses that were $2 million plus (10 years ago) made a huge difference in terms of finding the type of peers we wanted for our kids. BUT, I’m sure some of the UMC kids in a high school of 2000+ were bullied. Going after and stereotyping an entire group like PP—be they wealthy, UMC “strivers” or FARMS/ ELL is neither helpful nor fair. And is, in fact, an example the sort of nastiness I didn’t want my kids around. Rich kids who might mock UMC “” strivers” because their parents mock UMC “strivers”. Our upper class school had serious bullying, especially among girls. A large part of the problem is that PTA moms seemed to be running the school, instead of the administrators. Which is certainly a leadership failure. But I would never say that’s true everywhere or imply upper class kids as a group were bullies. I’m talking about the experience one family at one school. To the poster complaining about the length of the post. Yes, I took some time on my lunch hour to cite specific examples of bullying I saw. Because bullying can take lots of forms and can be physical or psychological or even criminal, like distributing nude pics of a minor. When we were at a wealthy public ES, I never saw or heard of physical bullying, even among boys. Instead it was more psychological bullying that established and reinforced the status of the bullies. I think parents of ES kids should be aware of the type of things that can go on, so they can talk to and support their kid. My friend would never have dreamed that her 4th grader was being terrorized a lunch. Her kid didn’t tell her, probably because she was embarrassed. 9 year olds might shove someone on the playground when they get frustrated. But the don’t just naturally do the more sophisticated things like getting together as a group publicly— in front of a parent, with zero worry that they might get in trouble (which they didn’t) and announce for the diary every bite the less thin kids eats and announce her calories the next day. They are creating a situation where that kid can’t eat her (nutritious lunch). They are learning it somewhere. And what really stands out, looking back, is that the worst offenders among the girls had mothers who were grown up mean girls. Then again, they did drive UMC and SPED kids out of the school. Which may have been the goal all along. And the larger point is keep talking to your kid. No matter what their SES. You might be shocked at the crap happening at a young age. |
Anonymous
NP. One mean comment is not bullying. The word has become so overused that it’s not useful anymore. Being mean isn’t nice, but it’s not bullying. |
Anonymous
The school has the name of a street. |
Anonymous
So you it’s doesn’t count as bullying unless you are mean X number of times? What is X? How many times can other kid hit or publicly shame your kid before it counts as bullying? 6? 10? 20? I suspect the first time happens to your kid you won’t be so quick to dismiss it? Or are you saying being mean and bullying are somehow different? Because they aren’t. It’s bullying the first time you “fat shame” a 4th grader. And the second time and the 10 th time. I’m beginning to see where these bullies get the idea this is acceptable. |
Anonymous
| third is rough. |
Anonymous
| The girls who bullied my kids in third in fourth grade had moms orchestrating the PTA meetings and adm. As a new parent at this school, one PTA meeting was enough for me to taste the bitterness and predict bullying from moms and daughters. |
Anonymous
tl;dr |
Anonymous
Haycock. It's the worst. |
Anonymous
Yes. The moms who pull their kids back when limits are tested are worth their weight in gold. |