Question for Supervisors: Is it disrespectful to call in to a meeting vs. MS TEAMS?

[Anonymous]

Make an agenda. My boss and I are chatters and can easily get off topic or rehash same things. Now we make a written agenda that keeps us on track.

[Anonymous]

For the personal stuff, pick something benign and low-stakes for you to share and have that be your thing. For example, cooking, or what book you’re reading, or watching birds in your yard. You don’t have to be super entertaining. They just want to feel you are “letting them in.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the personal stuff, pick something benign and low-stakes for you to share and have that be your thing. For example, cooking, or what book you’re reading, or watching birds in your yard. You don’t have to be super entertaining. They just want to feel you are “letting them in.”

This is the great advice. My personal life is not fun, a child with special needs. The things we deal with or do on the weekend are not things the rest of the team wants to hear about, and frankly, I compartmentalize my life so that when I am at work, I put all of my difficult feelings on hold - that is the only way to get the job done & I need this job.

So, gardening is my thing. I have a patio garden that I treat with benign neglect - DH is the one who really was into gardening in the past, and I mostly keep it going for him. So it is not something I spend a lot of time on or care about much, but in work meetings, I’ll talk about that when they need that “sharing” - oh, it’s been so rainy here, the tomatoes aren’t doing well, or I have so much basil this year, it’s taking over everything - whatever. You need to learn the art of making conversation, because it is just required in some jobs.

[Anonymous]

I see that you mentioned that you are easy to offend - something else you may want to do is give other people the benefit of the doubt and presume good intent. What jumped out at me was how you reacted to the boss who mentioned her own miscarriages. Did she really say “I had three, you suck it up?” Or was she trying to relate and empathize? When I finally admitted to a miscarriage at work the number of people who came forward and mentioned their own/spouse’s experience was huge. No one was trying to tell me it was no big deal. So work on not presuming that people are criticizing or diminishing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a youngish black woman? I detect attitude along with a cynical hatred of “the Man.” You’re determined not to let your job and boss “own you,” but you’re in a system that requires their support.

It seems like your self-respect comes from not letting others get any more of you than is absolutely necessary. But, the reality is that you seem unfriendly, emotionally stingy, distant, and even arrogant. You can be your own person without making work a mere “transaction.”

People are hired because they can do the job, want to do the job, and are a joy to work with. It sounds like you can do the job, but couldn’t care less about the job and its people. Keep that up and you won’t go far in life.

To see what I mean, imagine yourself as the boss and you’re running your own company. Now, imagine interacting with an employee who just wishes you would get out of their face. Do you want your money paying someone like that or would you prefer someone who makes work enjoyable?

OP Here
Wow, close! Youngish, woman of color (not black). But yes, you are correct. I am amazed at your assessment. I am very emotionally stingy, distant. I could be arrogant depending on the topic. Work is definitely a transaction for me. I don't care much about the people and over the years less about the job.
I definitely wish would my boss would get out of my face and let me do my job. I have never enjoyed working with 80 percent of the people I have met throughout my career.

Very good assessment. Now how do I change to be more like everyone else?

I’m not the PP who wrote the assessment, but I have a suggestion that was given to me by one of my first managers.

In that job, I was a compartmentalizer and very private—kept my work and personal completely separate—and I’m by nature very task-oriented. When my manager and I met to go over my review, peer feedback was that I was standoffish, disinterested in people.

Manager gave me the advice of treating the social pieces of the job as tasks until they became habit. I started adding these as action items/tasks, anything from “chitchat” to “ask about Larla’s new puppy” as a task. I did not have a good memory for this stuff, so kept brief notes so I would be able to follow up.

If you view social niceties and meeting face time as falling under the umbrella of investing in relationships, it might make it easier for you to do them.

This pays off not only for networking, but makes getting your job done easier—when there are roadblocks or bumps along the way, it’s usually easier to find solutions when you have a positive connection.

Hope that perspective helps you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you call in are you doing other things besides engaging with your supervisor? Eating lunch, running errands.....

LOL. At first no. I used to cut out all activities and give my supervisor my undivided attention. After several late arrivals, long rambling about my supervisors' pets, uncles and nieces, I have started to multi-task. So yes, you are correct, now I run errands, eat lunch and sometimes I just tune my supervisor out until they start talking about work-related things again. I acknowledge that it is wrong.

How can you not know this behavior is disrespectful?

[Anonymous]

There has been great advice given to OP going forward. One suggestion is to make a small list of 'personal/social' chat topics for the call. OP already mentioned her patio garden. Music you listen to or musical artists your boss listens to, ex: Did you hear the new Justin Timberlake song? It sounds like his other songs. Love it/don't like it, what about you? Did you watch the Grammys?
Other topics: Superbowl, hobbies, travel, Netflix/streaming shows you or your boss are watching, how are their kids doing, new workout you are doing or thinking about doing, books you or they are reading.
I think just a little bit of effort with pay of in spades. You can do this! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Your boss does not care your personal life he wants to talk what he wants to talk about.

As someone once said about me I love to talk and talk a lot but I say nothing. He was right.

I know what my bosses like and I talk about that. Their football team, their favorite vacation spot, their favorite food, their hobby, their favorite stocks, the weather, traffic, their car.

I research before meetings online or even watch game on TV to discuss. I never talk family, work, religion, politics. I was at one company five years before people knew I had kids and no one my current company even knows my religion or nationality.

I sold business 10 years and every sale we do chit chat and out to dinner and I talk and talk but if you listen closely I told you nothing and just expanding on topics clients like.

And never say anything sad. Sign of weakness. My mom died, my kids up sick all night no one cares. You are just a Debbie Downer.

And care. Boss says I am really looking forward that Pars/Dolphin game watch at least the highlights to talk about it. Go to a restaurant he recommends.

[Anonymous]

Op, unless your lunch is set at a predetermined time by your manager, having to cut a meeting short with your boss becasue "it runs into lunch" is a weak excuse.

If you care about your career, you should turn on your camera, learn to prioritize, and engage your boss in her bs.

Also, it's "Teams" not "TEAMS."

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this kindly (and I think this is overused on this site) but is it possible you are in the autism spectrum? Your description of yourself makes it sound that way. Either way, it may help you to research some of the tools that autistic adults use when dealing with interpersonal issues in the workplace.

It’s hard for us to tell whether your boss’s chit chat goes beyond what is normal—it may be that because you are so introverted they are over compensating. At any rate, I think there is probably a response where you can say “oh, that’s so cute (if about a dog cat or child)/ so cool (if about a hobby/trip) or so interesting (about something they read) and then transition over to work matters. For example:

Boss — how are you doing? I’m riding high because this weekend my toddler learned to jump off the furniture and deciddd to yell “to infinity and beyond” every single time.

You— That’s so cute! I’m sure she is keeping you really busy. If we can, I’d like to go over the finance figures for Thursday’s meeting to make sure I have those in the right format for what you want to achieve. I can screen share if that’s helpful.”

[Anonymous]

I agree with the above about the chitchat building relationships. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but we are not robots.
HOWEVER, if you need to limit the time because you need to run an errand (or whatever) during your lunchtime and you can't just push it off until the meeting ends, it's reasonable to set an agenda (Teams meeting notices are a good venue) and then, fairly early in the meeting, metnion that you have a "hard stop" at noon because you <have an appointment> <have a repair person coming><are meeting someone for lunch> etc..

[Anonymous]

I have the reverse situation, a weekly meeting with one of my direct reports who is a talker and likes to be on video. I otherwise don't need to do a lot of video meetings. I block off the 30 minutes after our scheduled call because I know we're always going to run over, and I make a point of being on video for my call with her. Our professional relationship works really well because I make an effort to connect with her in a way that is meaningful for her. And she is one of my most reliable and loyal employees, in part I'm sure to our relationship. It seems like this is a great way to connect better with your boss, both as an employee and as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make an agenda. My boss and I are chatters and can easily get off topic or rehash same things. Now we make a written agenda that keeps us on track.

This. Ask for an agenda for these meetings going forward. On a one-on-one, perhaps you can say you are feeling like the meetings get off track and you'd like to help keep them on track so that you can complete other tasks in a timely manner