Question for Supervisors: Is it disrespectful to call in to a meeting vs. MS TEAMS?

[Anonymous]

OP, your boss is using the job to replace their personal life, and feels insecure that their role is meaningless. A boss who had.actual work to do wouldn't care about face time and creepy socialization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. I agree that the video should be on. I started with the video on until my boss made a comment about my appearance. I didn't tell my boss that their comment made me uncomfortable. But I decided not to turn the video on again. I want to get along with people and I want to be someone that feel comfortable working with. I know that my behavior is hurting me professionally.

Ugh. I was going to say in general you should turn your camera on and just accept that your boss might go over time while talking about themselves (I used to get stuck in boss' office for 1 hour + with this BS in person and it was the worst), but I really feel you on boss wanting you to share personal stuff and making comments about your appearance. I'm an introvert and that really sucks! I actually don't care if people talk about themselves and I even ask questions and am interested, but I hate when they want me to share, because I have no life and it's very awkward.

OP here.

Yes. I know that we must "play the game" and not take things personal in the workplace. I know that I am not modeling behavior and I also know that most supervisors just want an ego stroke because they rarely receive appreciation from employees. I am not the most engaging employee. I accomplish my work and go home. This has really hindered me in many aspects and I come off as mysterious, secretive or apathetic. I am attempting to turn the ship around in order to earn more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. I agree that the video should be on. I started with the video on until my boss made a comment about my appearance. I didn't tell my boss that their comment made me uncomfortable. But I decided not to turn the video on again. I want to get along with people and I want to be someone that feel comfortable working with. I know that my behavior is hurting me professionally.

Ugh. I was going to say in general you should turn your camera on and just accept that your boss might go over time while talking about themselves (I used to get stuck in boss' office for 1 hour + with this BS in person and it was the worst), but I really feel you on boss wanting you to share personal stuff and making comments about your appearance. I'm an introvert and that really sucks! I actually don't care if people talk about themselves and I even ask questions and am interested, but I hate when they want me to share, because I have no life and it's very awkward.

OP here.

Yes. I know that we must "play the game" and not take things personal in the workplace. I know that I am not modeling behavior and I also know that most supervisors just want an ego stroke because they rarely receive appreciation from employees. I am not the most engaging employee. I accomplish my work and go home. This has really hindered me in many aspects and I come off as mysterious, secretive or apathetic. I am attempting to turn the ship around in order to earn more money.

YES! I have also been accused by my boss of "having a secret life" because I never have any fun weekend outings to report. No, I just have severe depression! Ugh! I really get you. Sometimes I wish I had kids because then I could make all the updates about my kid. You would think they would be happy if I do nothing but go to work and sleep. And I'm not antisocial, I really do ask others questions and am happy to hear about their stuff. (PP you're responding to).

[Anonymous]

OP, turn on the camera. This is your one-on-one with your boss. It’s one thing to dial in if it’s a big meeting and your can’t see who’s on the Hollywood Squares board anyway, but this is in lieu of your in-person check in which they might decide to make you do. It is indeed rude to not look at the person back if you have the means to do so (not if you’re on the road in your car or some other place without a camera).

Like others said, always schedule another meeting so that you can leave on time. But there is always going to be some interpersonal chit chat, in part because managers are taught to “appreciate the whole person.” But since you admit you don’t always appreciate the soft skills, looking at people in a professional context and looking engaged is a very important one. I have one employee who comes into my office for many things and drives me nuts, but I sit there and listen, nod, and smile because that’s how this employee processes things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, turn on the camera. This is your one-on-one with your boss. It’s one thing to dial in if it’s a big meeting and your can’t see who’s on the Hollywood Squares board anyway, but this is in lieu of your in-person check in which they might decide to make you do. It is indeed rude to not look at the person back if you have the means to do so (not if you’re on the road in your car or some other place without a camera).

Like others said, always schedule another meeting so that you can leave on time. But there is always going to be some interpersonal chit chat, in part because managers are taught to “appreciate the whole person.” But since you admit you don’t always appreciate the soft skills, looking at people in a professional context and looking engaged is a very important one. I have one employee who comes into my office for many things and drives me nuts, but I sit there and listen, nod, and smile because that’s how this employee processes things.

OP Here
You are correct. I will video in more often. I was in denial that it mattered until my boss revealed their frustration with our meetings. I appreciate your professional advice and have recognized the role I must play if I expect this to be a healthy working relationship or move forward in my career.

[Anonymous]

YES! I have also been accused by my boss of "having a secret life" because I never have any fun weekend outings to report. No, I just have severe depression! Ugh! I really get you. Sometimes I wish I had kids because then I could make all the updates about my kid. You would think they would be happy if I do nothing but go to work and sleep. And I'm not antisocial, I really do ask others questions and am happy to hear about their stuff. (PP you're responding to).

OP
I agree and empathize. Due to my reaction to my boss, I wondered if I was depressed, but I am not. I have so many other things going on in my life that I just want to get work over and done with so I can have a few mental moments to myself. I don't necessarily need socialization from my co-workers. I know them all very well. Also, I noticed that socializing often means that you get called to do other non-work related activities that take up so much time and energy.

[Anonymous]

I had literally thousands of update meetings with my boss or staff. Personal chit chat is a part of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had literally thousands of update meetings with my boss or staff. Personal chit chat is a part of it

OP Here- Yes I agree. I have started to write down generic, neutral topics that I can speak on to keep our meetings light hearted and to make myself appear. more agreeable with my boss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had literally thousands of update meetings with my boss or staff. Personal chit chat is a part of it

OP Here- Yes I agree. I have started to write down generic, neutral topics that I can speak on to keep our meetings light hearted and to make myself appear. more agreeable with my boss.

Depressed PP. This is a good idea. Sometimes I feel anxious before the check in if I don't have anything interesting to say, so I try to think of light things, but am not always successful.

[Anonymous]

Don’t call in all the time. Do the video from time-to-time and when calling in give as a reason that MS Teams is acting up, which is probably true most of the time anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you a youngish black woman? I detect attitude along with a cynical hatred of “the Man.” You’re determined not to let your job and boss “own you,” but you’re in a system that requires their support.

It seems like your self-respect comes from not letting others get any more of you than is absolutely necessary. But, the reality is that you seem unfriendly, emotionally stingy, distant, and even arrogant. You can be your own person without making work a mere “transaction.”

People are hired because they can do the job, want to do the job, and are a joy to work with. It sounds like you can do the job, but couldn’t care less about the job and its people. Keep that up and you won’t go far in life.

To see what I mean, imagine yourself as the boss and you’re running your own company. Now, imagine interacting with an employee who just wishes you would get out of their face. Do you want your money paying someone like that or would you prefer someone who makes work enjoyable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a youngish black woman? I detect attitude along with a cynical hatred of “the Man.” You’re determined not to let your job and boss “own you,” but you’re in a system that requires their support.

It seems like your self-respect comes from not letting others get any more of you than is absolutely necessary. But, the reality is that you seem unfriendly, emotionally stingy, distant, and even arrogant. You can be your own person without making work a mere “transaction.”

People are hired because they can do the job, want to do the job, and are a joy to work with. It sounds like you can do the job, but couldn’t care less about the job and its people. Keep that up and you won’t go far in life.

To see what I mean, imagine yourself as the boss and you’re running your own company. Now, imagine interacting with an employee who just wishes you would get out of their face. Do you want your money paying someone like that or would you prefer someone who makes work enjoyable?

OP Here
Wow, close! Youngish, woman of color (not black). But yes, you are correct. I am amazed at your assessment. I am very emotionally stingy, distant. I could be arrogant depending on the topic. Work is definitely a transaction for me. I don't care much about the people and over the years less about the job.
I definitely wish would my boss would get out of my face and let me do my job. I have never enjoyed working with 80 percent of the people I have met throughout my career.

Very good assessment. Now how do I change to be more like everyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you a youngish black woman? I detect attitude along with a cynical hatred of “the Man.” You’re determined not to let your job and boss “own you,” but you’re in a system that requires their support.

It seems like your self-respect comes from not letting others get any more of you than is absolutely necessary. But, the reality is that you seem unfriendly, emotionally stingy, distant, and even arrogant. You can be your own person without making work a mere “transaction.”

People are hired because they can do the job, want to do the job, and are a joy to work with. It sounds like you can do the job, but couldn’t care less about the job and its people. Keep that up and you won’t go far in life.

To see what I mean, imagine yourself as the boss and you’re running your own company. Now, imagine interacting with an employee who just wishes you would get out of their face. Do you want your money paying someone like that or would you prefer someone who makes work enjoyable?

OP Here
Wow, close! Youngish, woman of color (not black). But yes, you are correct. I am amazed at your assessment. I am very emotionally stingy, distant. I could be arrogant depending on the topic. Work is definitely a transaction for me. I don't care much about the people and over the years less about the job.
I definitely wish would my boss would get out of my face and let me do my job. I have never enjoyed working with 80 percent of the people I have met throughout my career.

Very good assessment. Now how do I change to be more like everyone else?

Poster who wrote original comment here.

As for caring about your work, get in a line of work that you care about.

As for the people thing, you need to do some reflection and maybe consider therapy. It strikes me that you have an issue with people in authority. Your gut response is to see them as the enemy and to respond accordingly. Why is that?

Did you or your family have some pivotal experiences? Did you heavily engage in university classes that stressed oppressor/victim relationships? If so, you need to re-evaluate this line of thinking because it’s not productive.

EVERY relationship has power dynamics, but that doesn’t mean every relationship has to be antagonistic. For example, a parent has a lot of power over a child, but that power can be used to provide for and guide the child to positive outcomes, like financial independence and emotional maturity.

Likewise, the child - perhaps unknowingly - has power over their parent. When a child responds well to the parent, the parent is proud and wants to help even more.

Cynically, this could be interpreted as manipulation, but it is also love. Love is when someone extends themselves for your benefit. The love cycle works best when it is met with appreciation and reciprocation.

[Anonymous]

Poster who wrote original comment here.

As for caring about your work, get in a line of work that you care about.

As for the people thing, you need to do some reflection and maybe consider therapy. It strikes me that you have an issue with people in authority. Your gut response is to see them as the enemy and to respond accordingly. Why is that?

Did you or your family have some pivotal experiences? Did you heavily engage in university classes that stressed oppressor/victim relationships? If so, you need to re-evaluate this line of thinking because it’s not productive.

EVERY relationship has power dynamics, but that doesn’t mean every relationship has to be antagonistic. For example, a parent has a lot of power over a child, but that power can be used to provide for and guide the child to positive outcomes, like financial independence and emotional maturity.

Likewise, the child - perhaps unknowingly - has power over their parent. When a child responds well to the parent, the parent is proud and wants to help even more.

Cynically, this could be interpreted as manipulation, but it is also love. Love is when someone extends themselves for your benefit. The love cycle works best when it is met with appreciation and reciprocation.

OP Here
Authority INCORRECT-  I don't have problems with authority. I don't have any problems with following, obeying, and taking orders from a leader, no matter the race, color, orientation/income. In the past, I worked menial jobs, and I hold absolute respect for people brave enough to lead. I think this has helped me go very far in life. I think the problem is that often leaders abuse this dynamic and start asking so much of me that I break.

University-CORRECT! I studied counseling, and it was a very draining and demanding field filled with underpaid young women who could barely care for themselves. So yes, I definitely felt the oppressor/victim relationship dynamic during my studies and chose a different area of study. I also had a bad experience with a trusted male boss that forever changed how I viewed the professional world.

Relationships- CORRECT! I had a miscarriage once at work, and my boss told me that she had three miscarriages. I knew immediately that my health, feelings, and experiences did not matter in the work world. All that matters is that I maintain the relationship hierarchy with my boss, feeling in power.

Appreciation/Reciprocation: CORRECT! I am learning how to reciprocate in my job. I am easily offended, and so many things that my boss says make my blood boil. But I ignore the comments, do my job, and try to be a results-oriented employee.

Once again, I appreciate your responses and sharing your observations based on my comments. While this is difficult to accept and demoralizing, I know that I have to change if I expect to earn any more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Poster who wrote original comment here.

As for caring about your work, get in a line of work that you care about.

As for the people thing, you need to do some reflection and maybe consider therapy. It strikes me that you have an issue with people in authority. Your gut response is to see them as the enemy and to respond accordingly. Why is that?

Did you or your family have some pivotal experiences? Did you heavily engage in university classes that stressed oppressor/victim relationships? If so, you need to re-evaluate this line of thinking because it’s not productive.

EVERY relationship has power dynamics, but that doesn’t mean every relationship has to be antagonistic. For example, a parent has a lot of power over a child, but that power can be used to provide for and guide the child to positive outcomes, like financial independence and emotional maturity.

Likewise, the child - perhaps unknowingly - has power over their parent. When a child responds well to the parent, the parent is proud and wants to help even more.

Cynically, this could be interpreted as manipulation, but it is also love. Love is when someone extends themselves for your benefit. The love cycle works best when it is met with appreciation and reciprocation.

OP Here
Authority INCORRECT-  I don't have problems with authority. I don't have any problems with following, obeying, and taking orders from a leader, no matter the race, color, orientation/income. In the past, I worked menial jobs, and I hold absolute respect for people brave enough to lead. I think this has helped me go very far in life. I think the problem is that often leaders abuse this dynamic and start asking so much of me that I break.

University-CORRECT! I studied counseling, and it was a very draining and demanding field filled with underpaid young women who could barely care for themselves. So yes, I definitely felt the oppressor/victim relationship dynamic during my studies and chose a different area of study. I also had a bad experience with a trusted male boss that forever changed how I viewed the professional world.

Relationships- CORRECT! I had a miscarriage once at work, and my boss told me that she had three miscarriages. I knew immediately that my health, feelings, and experiences did not matter in the work world. All that matters is that I maintain the relationship hierarchy with my boss, feeling in power.

Appreciation/Reciprocation: CORRECT! I am learning how to reciprocate in my job. I am easily offended, and so many things that my boss says make my blood boil. But I ignore the comments, do my job, and try to be a results-oriented employee.

Once again, I appreciate your responses and sharing your observations based on my comments. While this is difficult to accept and demoralizing, I know that I have to change if I expect to earn any more money.




Good luck, OP. You seem very open to honest feedback and assessment, which is promising.

One final comment: based on your last thoughts, work has included some bad experiences for you - bosses abused power, a trusted male boss betrayed you, work might have caused or cared less about your health/miscarriage. I can see how that might create a dynamic where you want to standup for yourself and set boundaries. That’s fair.

But, especially in a new job, be very careful about these presumptions. If you start pushing back against a new boss based on old experiences that have nothing to do with them, they’re not going to understand where you’re coming from. Over time, they’ll become frustrated with you, which you may then interpret as proof that they’re a jerk, just like your other bosses.

In other words, you need to understand your past experiences, but you must break the cycle of seeing every boss as the enemy. If you truly have an abusive boss, leave, of course.