How often do you see your friends?

[Anonymous]

I did not think the person who posted this came across as condescending. I agree with some of this but not all. Yes, DC is more transient than some other parts of the country and difficult to establish long-term relationships bc people are here less than 5 years and then they're off to their next destination. However, I don't find people living in England, Germany, Holland, France, & Spain to be all that "friendly". It's my experience that people in countries are set in their lives with their family and long-time friends (childhood, college) that they don't seem all that welcoming, unless of course you initiate and are persistent. I think it takes a lot of effort and time to get to know people whether you're in the US or living abroad as a foreigner.

Curious to know if this poster is from a large city or a small town? There's a big difference.

I really did not intend to sound condescending and I went back and reread my post and still don't think I was but I apologize to all who felt that way.

To answer your question we lived in London which is not a small town.

You may be right that friendships take work wherever you live but I have to say that after living in England, Germany, even Africa and spending some time in France, I have found the US to be the hardest to break through with friendships. It could be a function of age – we moved to the US when I was 37 and my husband 32 but the key really is perseverance. We had NO real friends for about 2 years but now we have several who we see very regularly. I guess my point to the OP is that if she really wants to make a change there are ways but it takes work initially and then it just flows.

[Anonymous]

I think seeing friends and entertaining other couples is very tough when you have toddlers. We used to love to have people over for dinner, but it's next to impossible and definitely not enjoyable with our 2 year old constantly demanding attention. We'd have to hire a sitter and if we do that, we'd rather go out.
The other thing is I think a lot of people with small children don't get babysitters -- either because of money or other reasons (not having someone they trust).
So, it's hard to socialize for a number of reasons. I do think as our kids get older it will get much easier to entertain and to bring them to friends' houses.
Most of my socializing is with girlfriends. For our date nights, DH and I usually go out alone.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. The toddler years are incredibly tough. Somehow it is easier when you have toddler + big sister. The older siblings often create the play that entertains the seconds. Also, I think seconds tend to be less demanding of parental involvement. We really started inviting other families over once our youngest was close to 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Friends"? What are those?

I feel like I'm in a foxhole with dear spouse and dear children protecting and ducking and attacking when necessary. As a parent, I sometimes feel that we're under seige, facing an onslaught from all directions, engaging in critical battles, sometimes suffering a a wound or two. For example, for those of you who have been through the whole private school admissions process recently, you know it's a war zone out there. Okay, slight hyperbole to make a point -- with the time and effort raising dear children in an environment like Washington, DC, who has time for friends?

The thing of it is, my sense is that so many of us on this board, with similar questions, interests, and obsessions, would probably make the best of friends. Perhaps one day someone should coordinate a Happy Hour for all DCUM addicts, posters, and lurkers. Until then, pathetic as it may sound, you're basically my friends, so I suppose time spent here is time spent with friends.

LOL! Totally with you! Why don't you coordinate one? I'll come.

Me too. I'm imagining nametags...everyone named "Anonymous."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! This thread is amazing to me and kind of confirms my views on how people operate in America. We moved here from the UK 6 years ago and miss our friends terribly.

However we have made some very good friends here that we see almost on a twice weekly basis - usually 2 of the three days of the weekend (i.e. Friday to Sunday) but sometimes on all 3. In addition our kids play together all the tine so we have even more chances to catch up when picking and dropping of our children. DH and I have tried really hard to make these friendships work and thank God we have been successful because it makes for a much richer and fuller life. I can't believe so many of you get by without that dimension to your lives.

When we first arrived we were first struck by how hard it is to make friends here in America. Everyone appears on the surface to be very friendly but you find that a year down the line you really have not moved beyond the superficial - people just do not let you into their lives and their hearts– they are happy with being just acquaintances. We found this discouraging at first and put it down to the transient nature of Washington DC. It’s really sad because when you persevere and really get to know people they are surprised by how they actually like having GOOD and CLOSE friendships. DH and I decided to really work on the those couples/families that we particularly liked - we'd have impromptu get togethers, invite them over for supper, suggest going out for meals - and our consistency proved worthwhile because before too long invitations were reciprocated and now almost every weekend either we or our friends arrange something. It can be as simple as just hanging out after church on Sunday – throwing something on the barbeque or ordering out and chatting while kids play/ swim in the pool.

What struck us after a few years of this was that people would always comment on how happy they were to have met us and what good friends we are etc but we are just a normal family who are doing what we would normally do if we were back at home.
I make an effort to arrange play dates for the children so that they too have good valuable friendships that they enjoy developing. I still have friends I met when I was four years old. DH and I make an effort to catch up with all our old friends when we go back to the UK either by visiting or inviting them over if they live close by. We also keep in touch by email while be are here.

During the week , DH is home at 7, and DC in bed by 7.30. We have all night together to talk, watch movies, have sex and we even have date nights as we have alive-in nanny. At weekends we really enjoy having another dimension to our lives. It is very easy to become insular and yes we can get by without that girlfriend to have “chin wag” with or go shopping with or that male friend to have a beer with on occasion and it does take effort initially until it becomes a part of your life that you value but life is so much richer with a close circle of friends.

Good heavens, this was irritating to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! This thread is amazing to me and kind of confirms my views on how people operate in America. We moved here from the UK 6 years ago and miss our friends terribly.

However we have made some very good friends here that we see almost on a twice weekly basis - usually 2 of the three days of the weekend (i.e. Friday to Sunday) but sometimes on all 3. In addition our kids play together all the tine so we have even more chances to catch up when picking and dropping of our children. DH and I have tried really hard to make these friendships work and thank God we have been successful because it makes for a much richer and fuller life. I can't believe so many of you get by without that dimension to your lives.

When we first arrived we were first struck by how hard it is to make friends here in America. Everyone appears on the surface to be very friendly but you find that a year down the line you really have not moved beyond the superficial - people just do not let you into their lives and their hearts– they are happy with being just acquaintances. We found this discouraging at first and put it down to the transient nature of Washington DC. It’s really sad because when you persevere and really get to know people they are surprised by how they actually like having GOOD and CLOSE friendships. DH and I decided to really work on the those couples/families that we particularly liked - we'd have impromptu get togethers, invite them over for supper, suggest going out for meals - and our consistency proved worthwhile because before too long invitations were reciprocated and now almost every weekend either we or our friends arrange something. It can be as simple as just hanging out after church on Sunday – throwing something on the barbeque or ordering out and chatting while kids play/ swim in the pool.

What struck us after a few years of this was that people would always comment on how happy they were to have met us and what good friends we are etc but we are just a normal family who are doing what we would normally do if we were back at home.
I make an effort to arrange play dates for the children so that they too have good valuable friendships that they enjoy developing. I still have friends I met when I was four years old. DH and I make an effort to catch up with all our old friends when we go back to the UK either by visiting or inviting them over if they live close by. We also keep in touch by email while be are here.

During the week , DH is home at 7, and DC in bed by 7.30. We have all night together to talk, watch movies, have sex and we even have date nights as we have alive-in nanny. At weekends we really enjoy having another dimension to our lives. It is very easy to become insular and yes we can get by without that girlfriend to have “chin wag” with or go shopping with or that male friend to have a beer with on occasion and it does take effort initially until it becomes a part of your life that you value but life is so much richer with a close circle of friends.

Just curious: How much time does your husband spend with your child, given that your husband arrives home at 7:00 and your child goes to bed 30 minutes later? How much time do the two of you spend with your child without the live-in nanny involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:13 -- Yes, you are clearly superior to us American moms who don't have time for friends, sex or just hanging out.
Thank you for enlightening us. Now...for those not lucky enough to have live-in nannies and whose husbands work long hours....anyone from the real world care to offer some advice?

I never said I am superior and I did not intend to come across that way. If you read the OP's post she asked if there is a way to change her situation. All I was offering was my experience and the view that yes, it can be changed but it takes effort. Having a live in nanny is immaterial (that was just an aspect of my life that I happened to mention) because DC is full of baby sitters and students willing to baby-sit. Many posters on this board have husbands who arrive home at 7-7.30 as I have read many times. Yes, there are others that work longer hours and frankly many of them are not home during the weekend either so it’s a moot point but my point was that there is time in the evenings to have alone time with your husband during the week. It is very easy to be insular in our lives and yes that is more the case in DC than other parts of the country and world in my experience, having lived in a few other countries, and I am not really sure why. I guess people just get used to living a certain way and sometimes do not really want to change it. They even enjoy the solitude and just want to be with their husbands and/or families. But it does not have to be that way if you do not want it to and the OP asked a question that I was attempting to answer and I am sorry if I upset you in doing so. That was not my intention. I cannot address every single person’s situation but was hoping to help with my experience.

I don't think having a live in nanny is immaterial. I think if my husband and I had what is essentially a third parent living in our house with us, we'd have more time for cultivating friendships and having sex all night long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:13 -- Yes, you are clearly superior to us American moms who don't have time for friends, sex or just hanging out.
Thank you for enlightening us. Now...for those not lucky enough to have live-in nannies and whose husbands work long hours....anyone from the real world care to offer some advice?

I never said I am superior and I did not intend to come across that way. If you read the OP's post she asked if there is a way to change her situation. All I was offering was my experience and the view that yes, it can be changed but it takes effort. Having a live in nanny is immaterial (that was just an aspect of my life that I happened to mention) because DC is full of baby sitters and students willing to baby-sit. Many posters on this board have husbands who arrive home at 7-7.30 as I have read many times. Yes, there are others that work longer hours and frankly many of them are not home during the weekend either so it’s a moot point but my point was that there is time in the evenings to have alone time with your husband during the week. It is very easy to be insular in our lives and yes that is more the case in DC than other parts of the country and world in my experience, having lived in a few other countries, and I am not really sure why. I guess people just get used to living a certain way and sometimes do not really want to change it. They even enjoy the solitude and just want to be with their husbands and/or families. But it does not have to be that way if you do not want it to and the OP asked a question that I was attempting to answer and I am sorry if I upset you in doing so. That was not my intention. I cannot address every single person’s situation but was hoping to help with my experience.

I don't think having a live in nanny is immaterial. I think if my husband and I had what is essentially a third parent living in our house with us, we'd have more time for cultivating friendships and having sex all night long.

LOL! You'd be so tired from all that sex, you'd really need the live-in nanny! It seems like this poster doesn't work, either -- she only mentions when her husband comes home, not herself. Maybe she needs the nanny so she can keep up with all the sex and movies. (I know I'm mean, but really. . . .)

[Anonymous]

I found the UK mom to be extremely irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found the UK mom to be extremely irritating.

Me too. If we could afford a live-in our lives would be completely different. And socializing is maybe a teeny bit easier with the pool!

[Anonymous]

We see our friends weekly and sometimes during the week. We all attend the same religious services and usually go to each others houses for dinner and/or lunch - even with babies, toddlers and older kids. I had 10 adults (5 couples) and 6 kids (ages 2 months-3 yrs) over for lunch a few weeks ago.

Now that I just had my baby and am on maternity leave, I meet up with my friends who arealso at home regularly during the week to go for walks or to the park.

sometimes we'll also meet for dinner or other activities.

You just have to make it work. I would go crazy without my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:13 -- Yes, you are clearly superior to us American moms who don't have time for friends, sex or just hanging out.
Thank you for enlightening us. Now...for those not lucky enough to have live-in nannies and whose husbands work long hours....anyone from the real world care to offer some advice?

I never said I am superior and I did not intend to come across that way. If you read the OP's post she asked if there is a way to change her situation. All I was offering was my experience and the view that yes, it can be changed but it takes effort. Having a live in nanny is immaterial (that was just an aspect of my life that I happened to mention) because DC is full of baby sitters and students willing to baby-sit. Many posters on this board have husbands who arrive home at 7-7.30 as I have read many times. Yes, there are others that work longer hours and frankly many of them are not home during the weekend either so it’s a moot point but my point was that there is time in the evenings to have alone time with your husband during the week. It is very easy to be insular in our lives and yes that is more the case in DC than other parts of the country and world in my experience, having lived in a few other countries, and I am not really sure why. I guess people just get used to living a certain way and sometimes do not really want to change it. They even enjoy the solitude and just want to be with their husbands and/or families. But it does not have to be that way if you do not want it to and the OP asked a question that I was attempting to answer and I am sorry if I upset you in doing so. That was not my intention. I cannot address every single person’s situation but was hoping to help with my experience.

I don't think having a live in nanny is immaterial. I think if my husband and I had what is essentially a third parent living in our house with us, we'd have more time for cultivating friendships and having sex all night long.

LOL! You'd be so tired from all that sex, you'd really need the live-in nanny! It seems like this poster doesn't work, either -- she only mentions when her husband comes home, not herself. Maybe she needs the nanny so she can keep up with all the sex and movies. (I know I'm mean, but really. . . .)

I do not get why the meanness. I do not think she was condescending at all, she gave her experience and point of view, she even apologized.
Because she has a nanny and is a stay at home mom and she can have sex and see movies ? because she said that it is hard to make friends in DC? Come on people !
I have not made any new friends in DC either, have been living here 7 years now, 3 of them without kids. The only friend I have got is a college friend I made when I was living in France. It was easier making friends in France, but I think it was because I was a student then, not sure how easy it would be to make friends with French people as a working mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found the UK mom to be extremely irritating.

I agree the post she made first was irritating, but she has apologized....twice.

Also, she wrote that she's from the UK and MANY people on here write how they hate it here and want to live in a small town in New England. What's the difference? She also later in her post specified her experience to DC. Just at first the word "American" was hard to get past My Parents were both raised by immigrants to the countries they grew up in and the Mom and Dad were from different countries (although all from Eastern Europe). My Mom immigrated here also from Israel. She always told me this "People are people. You get past the surface cultural differences and they are all the same". I completely agree with that statement. I work with people from all over the world and have had friends from everywhere. I've been to different countries as well and I think that a place may have an overall tone....but the people are all the same fundamentally. You can make friends if you can find the one common link. My husband always meets my friend's spouses and says "we have nothing in common". Bull! I can usually name 5 things he could talk to them about. There are very few people you will find you actually have nothing in common with....you just have to interested in what they are saying.

I will however agree that DC is a particuarly hard place to meet people. I think it's not JUST the transient aspect but also the size of the city and the VA/DC/MD conflicts (which area of which you're from). The snootiness on both sides of the economic scale (some people with money look down on those who don't have it and some people with no money look down on those who do). Overall though, people here just don't want to be judged! It seems impossible to get away from! There are a lot of people here. It's just hard to meet them.

You have to work to make friends here, but they are out there!

[Anonymous]

I guess for me and UK mom. . .she didn't write as someone who realized that others have different circumstances. I read it again and still find her irritating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I did not think the person who posted this came across as condescending. I agree with some of this but not all. Yes, DC is more transient than some other parts of the country and difficult to establish long-term relationships bc people are here less than 5 years and then they're off to their next destination. However, I don't find people living in England, Germany, Holland, France, & Spain to be all that "friendly". It's my experience that people in countries are set in their lives with their family and long-time friends (childhood, college) that they don't seem all that welcoming, unless of course you initiate and are persistent. I think it takes a lot of effort and time to get to know people whether you're in the US or living abroad as a foreigner.

Curious to know if this poster is from a large city or a small town? There's a big difference.

I really did not intend to sound condescending and I went back and reread my post and still don't think I was but I apologize to all who felt that way.

To answer your question we lived in London which is not a small town.

You may be right that friendships take work wherever you live but I have to say that after living in England, Germany, even Africa and spending some time in France, I have found the US to be the hardest to break through with friendships. It could be a function of age – we moved to the US when I was 37 and my husband 32 but the key really is perseverance. We had NO real friends for about 2 years but now we have several who we see very regularly. I guess my point to the OP is that if she really wants to make a change there are ways but it takes work initially and then it just flows.


I have lived in US, Europe and Africa as well and if I had to rank the friendliest continent : Africa first, then Europe, then US.
In US people smile a lot and wave a lot. That's pretty much about it.
In Europe they are more standoffish, do not smile as much.
In Africa they welcome you with open arms.