How often do you see your friends?

[Anonymous]

We see our closest friends probably about once a month. We would love to get together more often but between busy work and home schedules and one of us being away or already having plans at least one or two weekends a month, that is about all we have time for. And sadly, these friends live in the same county as us, North Arlingon, so no more than a 10 minute drive away. Other good friends, but not closest, we see about once every 2 months. Strange thing is that when we were expats living abroad, we saw our friends all the time. I wonder why that is? I don't know what the difference is.

[Anonymous]

My friends all live in the city I moved here from -- so individually, I see them a minimum of every 8 weeks to a maximum of every 6 months. It stinks. Regardless of how good your marriage is, you need girlfriend time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a couple, DH & I-Once a month.

Myself and my girlfriends-Once a week or more.

OP here. Do you see the same people once a month, though? Like, how often do see John and Jane Friend? That's more what I intended by my post, originally.

Not the same people maybe rotate around 3 old friends. We've met quite a few new friends through our kids, and with those friends we do a montly dinner club, rotating 4 houses. Its great, all the kids play while we catch up. We also all have young toddlers, so we always make our dinner club nights start early, around 5.

[Anonymous]

Whenever we've moved, I've rushed to make new "friends" and had a nice time with them-- for a while. Then life intervenes. There's a few months of "we should get together" emails, then those stop. But I always have a few standbys. I've got two friends from high school I see every couple years. A few from college, again, every couple years. A handful from grad school we see every six months or every year. All added up, I've got a lot of friends! Real friends, the kind I could say anything to, ask anything of. What's funny is, if you'd asked me in high school, or college, or grad school, who my lifelong friends would be among the social circle I had then, I never would have guessed it right.

But in my daily life, I only have friendly acquaintaces. So while we have plenty of social occasions, spending time with my *real* friends is a make-my-year kind of occasion. The test of time seems to be so important here. The real friends are there, I know. I just don't know which ones they are. Only time will tell which of my current friendly acquaintances will be true, lifelong friends. So they're worth all the time and effort I have to give.

[Anonymous]

I am lonely too! None of my friends call anymore since the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Friends"? What are those?

I feel like I'm in a foxhole with dear spouse and dear children protecting and ducking and attacking when necessary. As a parent, I sometimes feel that we're under seige, facing an onslaught from all directions, engaging in critical battles, sometimes suffering a a wound or two. For example, for those of you who have been through the whole private school admissions process recently, you know it's a war zone out there. Okay, slight hyperbole to make a point -- with the time and effort raising dear children in an environment like Washington, DC, who has time for friends?

The thing of it is, my sense is that so many of us on this board, with similar questions, interests, and obsessions, would probably make the best of friends. Perhaps one day someone should coordinate a Happy Hour for all DCUM addicts, posters, and lurkers. Until then, pathetic as it may sound, you're basically my friends, so I suppose time spent here is time spent with friends.

LOL! Totally with you! Why don't you coordinate one? I'll come.

[Anonymous]

Loner here too especially post baby.

[Anonymous]

This post is sad to me because it seems like there are a lot of lonely people out there. I, too, don't see my friends as often as I would like. I do have 3 girlfriends from college who live here (3 of us in Arlington, one in D.C.) and we get together once a month for dinner. We have done this for 6-7 years now and have continued it through marriages and babies. I look forward to that dinner so much every month. As a couple, DH and I usually go out by ourselves when we go out. We should socialize more with other couples, but everyone seems so busy! I think (hope) as our kids get older, it will get easier.

[Anonymous]

If your friends don't call you since the baby they're jerks! That is so irritating to me.

I had some friends like that too but luckily not everyone is that way. Some of mine that stopped it was just like "Oh, we're going out and they won't want to come because of the baby" and they weren't really wrong, but honestly, we work to try to be understanding of their not wanting the baby around as much as they are about us having the baby around, so it's pretty stupid.

[Anonymous]

Wow! This thread is amazing to me and kind of confirms my views on how people operate in America. We moved here from the UK 6 years ago and miss our friends terribly.

However we have made some very good friends here that we see almost on a twice weekly basis - usually 2 of the three days of the weekend (i.e. Friday to Sunday) but sometimes on all 3. In addition our kids play together all the tine so we have even more chances to catch up when picking and dropping of our children. DH and I have tried really hard to make these friendships work and thank God we have been successful because it makes for a much richer and fuller life. I can't believe so many of you get by without that dimension to your lives.

When we first arrived we were first struck by how hard it is to make friends here in America. Everyone appears on the surface to be very friendly but you find that a year down the line you really have not moved beyond the superficial - people just do not let you into their lives and their hearts– they are happy with being just acquaintances. We found this discouraging at first and put it down to the transient nature of Washington DC. It’s really sad because when you persevere and really get to know people they are surprised by how they actually like having GOOD and CLOSE friendships. DH and I decided to really work on the those couples/families that we particularly liked - we'd have impromptu get togethers, invite them over for supper, suggest going out for meals - and our consistency proved worthwhile because before too long invitations were reciprocated and now almost every weekend either we or our friends arrange something. It can be as simple as just hanging out after church on Sunday – throwing something on the barbeque or ordering out and chatting while kids play/ swim in the pool.

What struck us after a few years of this was that people would always comment on how happy they were to have met us and what good friends we are etc but we are just a normal family who are doing what we would normally do if we were back at home.
I make an effort to arrange play dates for the children so that they too have good valuable friendships that they enjoy developing. I still have friends I met when I was four years old. DH and I make an effort to catch up with all our old friends when we go back to the UK either by visiting or inviting them over if they live close by. We also keep in touch by email while be are here.

During the week , DH is home at 7, and DC in bed by 7.30. We have all night together to talk, watch movies, have sex and we even have date nights as we have alive-in nanny. At weekends we really enjoy having another dimension to our lives. It is very easy to become insular and yes we can get by without that girlfriend to have “chin wag” with or go shopping with or that male friend to have a beer with on occasion and it does take effort initially until it becomes a part of your life that you value but life is so much richer with a close circle of friends.

[Anonymous]

10:13 -- Yes, you are clearly superior to us American moms who don't have time for friends, sex or just hanging out.
Thank you for enlightening us. Now...for those not lucky enough to have live-in nannies and whose husbands work long hours....anyone from the real world care to offer some advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:13 -- Yes, you are clearly superior to us American moms who don't have time for friends, sex or just hanging out.
Thank you for enlightening us. Now...for those not lucky enough to have live-in nannies and whose husbands work long hours....anyone from the real world care to offer some advice?

I never said I am superior and I did not intend to come across that way. If you read the OP's post she asked if there is a way to change her situation. All I was offering was my experience and the view that yes, it can be changed but it takes effort. Having a live in nanny is immaterial (that was just an aspect of my life that I happened to mention) because DC is full of baby sitters and students willing to baby-sit. Many posters on this board have husbands who arrive home at 7-7.30 as I have read many times. Yes, there are others that work longer hours and frankly many of them are not home during the weekend either so it’s a moot point but my point was that there is time in the evenings to have alone time with your husband during the week. It is very easy to be insular in our lives and yes that is more the case in DC than other parts of the country and world in my experience, having lived in a few other countries, and I am not really sure why. I guess people just get used to living a certain way and sometimes do not really want to change it. They even enjoy the solitude and just want to be with their husbands and/or families. But it does not have to be that way if you do not want it to and the OP asked a question that I was attempting to answer and I am sorry if I upset you in doing so. That was not my intention. I cannot address every single person’s situation but was hoping to help with my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10:13 -- Yes, you are clearly superior to us American moms who don't have time for friends, sex or just hanging out.
Thank you for enlightening us. Now...for those not lucky enough to have live-in nannies and whose husbands work long hours....anyone from the real world care to offer some advice?

I never said I am superior and I did not intend to come across that way. If you read the OP's post she asked if there is a way to change her situation. All I was offering was my experience and the view that yes, it can be changed but it takes effort. Having a live in nanny is immaterial (that was just an aspect of my life that I happened to mention) because DC is full of baby sitters and students willing to baby-sit. Many posters on this board have husbands who arrive home at 7-7.30 as I have read many times. Yes, there are others that work longer hours and frankly many of them are not home during the weekend either so it’s a moot point but my point was that there is time in the evenings to have alone time with your husband during the week. It is very easy to be insular in our lives and yes that is more the case in DC than other parts of the country and world in my experience, having lived in a few other countries, and I am not really sure why. I guess people just get used to living a certain way and sometimes do not really want to change it. They even enjoy the solitude and just want to be with their husbands and/or families. But it does not have to be that way if you do not want it to and the OP asked a question that I was attempting to answer and I am sorry if I upset you in doing so. That was not my intention. I cannot address every single person’s situation but was hoping to help with my experience.

I did not think the person who posted this came across as condescending. I agree with some of this but not all. Yes, DC is more transient than some other parts of the country and difficult to establish long-term relationships bc people are here less than 5 years and then they're off to their next destination. However, I don't find people living in England, Germany, Holland, France, & Spain to be all that "friendly". It's my experience that people in countries are set in their lives with their family and long-time friends (childhood, college) that they don't seem all that welcoming, unless of course you initiate and are persistent. I think it takes a lot of effort and time to get to know people whether you're in the US or living abroad as a foreigner.

Curious to know if this poster is from a large city or a small town? There's a big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! This thread is amazing to me and kind of confirms my views on how people operate in America. We moved here from the UK 6 years ago and miss our friends terribly.

However we have made some very good friends here that we see almost on a twice weekly basis - usually 2 of the three days of the weekend (i.e. Friday to Sunday) but sometimes on all 3. In addition our kids play together all the tine so we have even more chances to catch up when picking and dropping of our children. DH and I have tried really hard to make these friendships work and thank God we have been successful because it makes for a much richer and fuller life. I can't believe so many of you get by without that dimension to your lives.

When we first arrived we were first struck by how hard it is to make friends here in America. Everyone appears on the surface to be very friendly but you find that a year down the line you really have not moved beyond the superficial - people just do not let you into their lives and their hearts– they are happy with being just acquaintances. We found this discouraging at first and put it down to the transient nature of Washington DC. It’s really sad because when you persevere and really get to know people they are surprised by how they actually like having GOOD and CLOSE friendships. DH and I decided to really work on the those couples/families that we particularly liked - we'd have impromptu get togethers, invite them over for supper, suggest going out for meals - and our consistency proved worthwhile because before too long invitations were reciprocated and now almost every weekend either we or our friends arrange something. It can be as simple as just hanging out after church on Sunday – throwing something on the barbeque or ordering out and chatting while kids play/ swim in the pool.

What struck us after a few years of this was that people would always comment on how happy they were to have met us and what good friends we are etc but we are just a normal family who are doing what we would normally do if we were back at home.
I make an effort to arrange play dates for the children so that they too have good valuable friendships that they enjoy developing. I still have friends I met when I was four years old. DH and I make an effort to catch up with all our old friends when we go back to the UK either by visiting or inviting them over if they live close by. We also keep in touch by email while be are here.

During the week , DH is home at 7, and DC in bed by 7.30. We have all night together to talk, watch movies, have sex and we even have date nights as we have alive-in nanny. At weekends we really enjoy having another dimension to our lives. It is very easy to become insular and yes we can get by without that girlfriend to have “chin wag” with or go shopping with or that male friend to have a beer with on occasion and it does take effort initially until it becomes a part of your life that you value but life is so much richer with a close circle of friends.

I don't know if it is necessarily America that is different, but the fact that many people who live here in D.C. are not from here, so their real friends (those they grew up with, went to college with, etc) are not here. To the poster from England, I am interested to know if the friends you left in England were ones who you grew up with, or were they ones you had made later in life? Because I think that has a lot to do with it. For me, my real friends are those who I have known a long time, and I do think the older you get, the harder it is to make new friends. Because the older you get, the busier you are with jobs, kids, etc. So, I don't think it is an American thing, but more of a later in life it gets more difficult to spend the time to make those really close friends you make in elementary, high school,and college.

[Anonymous]

A suggestion. For a while (life has recently gotten in the way), my DH and I were trying for date night once a month and entertaining another family for an early dinner once a month. The latter provided a fun way to stay in touch with old friends and develop friendships with new ones (i.e. that family we've seen at church every weekend for the last 5 years with kids our same age and with whom we've become very friendly.) I got to those Dream Dinners or Let's Dish and typically serve one of these pre-maid meals so it's not too much work. It's also perfectly fun to just invite another family for Pizza. Have thought about hiring a neigbor's 12 year/old to come and entertain the kids so the adults don't have to do as much but haven't done that yet.

Being a working parent is a very insular experience. I work part-time so I see several SAHM mom's regularly on my days off. But my DH has almost no social life other than lunches downtown.