Great-grandparent Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that if at all possible, you show up when someone dies.

Thats too little, too late. I think people should show up when one is sick or needs help. No need for phony social performance.

You're showing up to be a support for the spouse/children/siblings of the deceased, not the actual dead person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you at a loss because it feels irresponsible to spend the money or would spending the money actually jeopardize needs like food and shelter? To me this is what money is for so you can have permission to do it if everyone going + paying for in laws + paying for a sitter is what you feel is right. If it takes a few months to replace the savings, it's okay.

This is meant supportively because this seems like why you may feel torn. I'm sorry for your loss either way.

I am at a loss about all of this. In addition of the grief of losing her, it's a larger situation: Dh's grandpa is still alive and with dementia. We've been dealing with that, a fall for grandma, then surgery and hospitalization for the past month, and dh and fil just both went last month because of it and spent time dealing with it all. So it's one piece among many and there will be more expenses coming, not to mention figuring care for grandpa which isn't done yet as this is all happening at once. I am also concerned about in-laws and their support going forward since they cannot afford a hotel or rental car for a few days. Dh is absolutely going, it's just a lot to deal with and on our mind beyond the funeral. The family situation is hard beyond finances as well so it's not going to be a celebration of life and just a very hard time, which feels so wrong since she truly was a wonderful woman.

I’m sorry for your loss and I totally understand why you are feeling conflicted as to how to handle this. Since your in-laws are struggling with the loss it might very well be a comfort to them to have their grandchildren there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that if at all possible, you show up when someone dies.

Thats too little, too late. I think people should show up when one is sick or needs help. No need for phony social performance.

You're showing up to be a support for the spouse/children/siblings of the deceased, not the actual dead person.

You are also showing up to honor the memory of your loved one and to take solace from others who are also grieving and remembering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your entire family should go. This was your living relative (now your ancestor). You are very blessed that you have living relatives of that generation. Why would you not claim or be witness to your own history and family?

And yes, you also pay for your ILs to go if they cannot afford the trip. You can cut down on Christmas gifts this year.

I don't know how much you spend on Christmas gifts, but paying the travel expenses for a large group of people (OP, OP's spouse, the two inlaws, and at least two children) will be thousands of dollars. Probably 2500+ for the flights alone, at least two hotel rooms, at least two rental cars or a minivan, food, funeral clothes---OP is looking at at least $5,000. I don't spend nearly that much on Christmas gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think dh will take the kids. In-laws are local to us so I might have to stay to watch their dog. Kids have many memories of her as we called frequently and visited yearly.

Then yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh would definitely go regardless of whether we help in-laws with expenses. Just wondering about dcs who are teens. I am telling them about great grandma today after school and would like to tell them if they are going or not. We have not had this situation before and I am at a loss as to what to do.

Do the kids know their great grandmother?

Yes, they knew her well. We visited as much as we could, the visited when able to (not in the past few years), we spoke on the phone often. She was a very warm person. The rest of the family has had strained, distant relationships. It's just fil's brother, his two adult kids. We actually don't know if great-grandma's dh will come or should even come due to dementia and is ability to register what is going on or manage it physically.

It would be really nice if the kids and you could all attend the funeral but if it would help your in-laws for you to stay at home and watch the dog that also would be appropriate. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Can your in-laws not afford it or are they just cheap? My MIL has millions but refuses to pay for a rental car or hotel and tries to get people to give her miles. In her mind she twists it that she is doing them a favor so their miles don’t go to waste and her guest room crashing is a visit. She would squawk very loudly at paying for last minute flights and a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Not cross country with the entire family. And definitely not during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your in-laws not afford it or are they just cheap? My MIL has millions but refuses to pay for a rental car or hotel and tries to get people to give her miles. In her mind she twists it that she is doing them a favor so their miles don’t go to waste and her guest room crashing is a visit. She would squawk very loudly at paying for last minute flights and a hotel.

They can't afford it, truly. I couldn't tell you if they have $200 or 2k in their bank account, but they have had to borrow money from us in the past. It's just a bad situation all around.

[Anonymous]

This applies to any family funerals - you go if you can make it if it’s a support to the people alive and you can afford it. I did not attend every funeral myself since we are not local and a plane ticket across the country was not always possible. We never considered taking the entire family for all great grandparents, great aunts, great uncles, etc. Last minute plane tickets are often too expensive for all.

[Anonymous]

^ I’m talking about my grandparents, aunts and uncles who would be the greats for my kids. I never knew my great relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that if at all possible, you show up when someone dies.

Thats too little, too late. I think people should show up when one is sick or needs help. No need for phony social performance.

I agree.
Traveling across country is a huge expense.
There's no way my family (Dh and I and our kids) would be able to afford last minute plane tickets for all of us-plus rental car, hotel rooms (there's six of us) meals out, etc.
My mom was very adamant that children shouldn't go to funerals, even local ones. My great grandfather died when I was 12 and we lived within about 1/2 hour drive and she would not let my younger brothers and I go to the funeral (I assume I had school that day.) Shortly after that we moved across country and a couple years later my great grandmother (wife of the above great grandfather) died and only my mom went to the funeral.

I find that so sad. In my family, funerals are for everyone, including babies. Death is part of life. And children are a huge comfort during social death rituals like wakes. In a family, we all participate in saying goodbye to a loved one and supporting our family members who are grieving.

12 year olds can learn so much from elders and learn so much from people who gather to honor them in death.