Great-grandparent Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh called his mom and it looks like she and fil can barely afford to go, she was so upset about tickets, hotel…so I will watch the dog but does that change how you see the situation? Should we pay for in laws’s expenses instead to alleviate that burden for them? We cannot do it if kids also go as such last minute tickets are $400+and I think we will have to cover some funeral expenses. It complicates an already very sad time.

I think that would be a nice gesture to spend the money you would have used on you and Dh for his parents, and that way it doesn't disrupt childcare. People will understand a couple with young kids can't make it. But if Dh actually wants to go, try to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Dh would definitely go regardless of whether we help in-laws with expenses. Just wondering about dcs who are teens. I am telling them about great grandma today after school and would like to tell them if they are going or not. We have not had this situation before and I am at a loss as to what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh would definitely go regardless of whether we help in-laws with expenses. Just wondering about dcs who are teens. I am telling them about great grandma today after school and would like to tell them if they are going or not. We have not had this situation before and I am at a loss as to what to do.

If it were me, I'd send your husband and pay for his parents' flights. Unless your kids are begging to go, I wouldn't send them. Let your husband focus on supporting his parent through this, rather than trying to solo parent your kids at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh would definitely go regardless of whether we help in-laws with expenses. Just wondering about dcs who are teens. I am telling them about great grandma today after school and would like to tell them if they are going or not. We have not had this situation before and I am at a loss as to what to do.

If it were me, I'd send your husband and pay for his parents' flights. Unless your kids are begging to go, I wouldn't send them. Let your husband focus on supporting his parent through this, rather than trying to solo parent your kids at the same time.

This. The kids can stay home and help you take care of the dog.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It brought great comfort to my parents and in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh called his mom and it looks like she and fil can barely afford to go, she was so upset about tickets, hotel…so I will watch the dog but does that change how you see the situation? Should we pay for in laws’s expenses instead to alleviate that burden for them? We cannot do it if kids also go as such last minute tickets are $400+and I think we will have to cover some funeral expenses. It complicates an already very sad time.

I wrote above the 3 points suggesting you go, but it's
More important for the person's child and their spuose to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that if at all possible, you show up when someone dies.

Thats too little, too late. I think people should show up when one is sick or needs help. No need for phony social performance.

This

[Anonymous]

To me it would depend on how far, how expensive, and what would the kids miss at school. Preference probably would be all go for the funeral for a couple days and then the non-blood-related spouse fly home with the kids to minimize school time missed while the related spouse stays to help as needed, spend time with family, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh would definitely go regardless of whether we help in-laws with expenses. Just wondering about dcs who are teens. I am telling them about great grandma today after school and would like to tell them if they are going or not. We have not had this situation before and I am at a loss as to what to do.

Do the kids know their great grandmother?

[Anonymous]

Your entire family should go. This was your living relative (now your ancestor). You are very blessed that you have living relatives of that generation. Why would you not claim or be witness to your own history and family?

And yes, you also pay for your ILs to go if they cannot afford the trip. You can cut down on Christmas gifts this year.

[Anonymous]

Are you at a loss because it feels irresponsible to spend the money or would spending the money actually jeopardize needs like food and shelter? To me this is what money is for so you can have permission to do it if everyone going + paying for in laws + paying for a sitter is what you feel is right. If it takes a few months to replace the savings, it's okay.

This is meant supportively because this seems like why you may feel torn. I'm sorry for your loss either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course. When my great-grandmother died, everyone in my family who was alive attended. When I was an adult and my grandmother died, everyone in my family who was alive attended.

I would take them if you can. It may be their only chance to see the extended family gathered, and even if it doesn't seem meaningful at the time, it may be important to them later, maybe much later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you at a loss because it feels irresponsible to spend the money or would spending the money actually jeopardize needs like food and shelter? To me this is what money is for so you can have permission to do it if everyone going + paying for in laws + paying for a sitter is what you feel is right. If it takes a few months to replace the savings, it's okay.

This is meant supportively because this seems like why you may feel torn. I'm sorry for your loss either way.

I am at a loss about all of this. In addition of the grief of losing her, it's a larger situation: Dh's grandpa is still alive and with dementia. We've been dealing with that, a fall for grandma, then surgery and hospitalization for the past month, and dh and fil just both went last month because of it and spent time dealing with it all. So it's one piece among many and there will be more expenses coming, not to mention figuring care for grandpa which isn't done yet as this is all happening at once. I am also concerned about in-laws and their support going forward since they cannot afford a hotel or rental car for a few days. Dh is absolutely going, it's just a lot to deal with and on our mind beyond the funeral. The family situation is hard beyond finances as well so it's not going to be a celebration of life and just a very hard time, which feels so wrong since she truly was a wonderful woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course. When my great-grandmother died, everyone in my family who was alive attended. When I was an adult and my grandmother died, everyone in my family who was alive attended.

I would take them if you can. It may be their only chance to see the extended family gathered, and even if it doesn't seem meaningful at the time, it may be important to them later, maybe much later.

I am going to tell them this afternoon. Dh is holding off on ticket and we will see what kids want to do. The family is very small with strained relationships and will not gather beyond a grave site funeral and possible lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh would definitely go regardless of whether we help in-laws with expenses. Just wondering about dcs who are teens. I am telling them about great grandma today after school and would like to tell them if they are going or not. We have not had this situation before and I am at a loss as to what to do.

Do the kids know their great grandmother?

Yes, they knew her well. We visited as much as we could, the visited when able to (not in the past few years), we spoke on the phone often. She was a very warm person. The rest of the family has had strained, distant relationships. It's just fil's brother, his two adult kids. We actually don't know if great-grandma's dh will come or should even come due to dementia and is ability to register what is going on or manage it physically.