Sister is unhappy about how FaceTime calls with our niece are going

[Anonymous]

How wonderful that you and your sister have each other- a close relationship that from your post, it seems you both value and care about. And you both want your daughters to have a close relationship as well!

The posts calling your sister "insane" or things along those line are harsh.

I agree with the suggestions to trying scheduling a time for it and see how that works out. Your sister is happy to answer your FT calls whenever, wherever. That doesn't work for you- so what would work for you on a more consistent basis, so your sister doesn't feel like it's a one-sided thing where only she is interested in facilitating the relationship?

Also, your sister will need to accept your limit of around ten minutes. You can reiterate that boundary. That's what works for you and your daughter.

No need to feel terrible about your niece feeling sad.

[Anonymous]

The expectations she has developmentally inappropriate and the relationship is too forced this way. You could do very short Facetimes or find other ways for them to connect without screens. Now and then via snail mail, send eachother drawings with a letter they dictate to mom to write or email a silly photo they help decide on like "crazy hat/hair/outfit" or make a quick 2-minute video of the child's choosing to send the other giving a message like "Can't wait until we pretend to be police-ladies/princesses/doctors/silly hat ladies again" or "This is my new puppy Larlo and he can't wait to meet you!" OR have the kid perform if the child wants to something such as "new karate move, a little silly dance, dress up and pretend to be someone, since a sing" but it MUST be the child's idea and then mom approved. Don't force or script anything.

It's great the kids like eachother a lot and you both want to support the relationship, but she needs to understanding pushing too hard can backfire and it's not for her to dictae "they must do Facetime." They need to find their way and keep it fun and light.

+Maybe have them chose some themes from a list like "crazy hat, crazy hair, holding favorite storybook, favorite dress-up" and email a photo to the other dressed up or holding the them

[Anonymous]

OMG apparently I can't speak English or quote properly until I have had enough coffee. Hopefully you understood me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a three year old daughter, and my sister also has a three year old daughter. Sister lives about 6 hours away, so we only see them every few months, but it’s always a good time.

To help build a relationship between the two cousins, we try to FaceTime. I’ll be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Facetiming with a three year old; the set up is kind of awkward, and her attention span is 10 mins at most. I’ll admit that my sister initiates the calls much more frequently than I do, and I’m not great at returning her calls. It always seems like she calls at not great times (ex right during dinner or bedtime), but again, it’s on me to return her call. Also worth mentioning that I’ll FT her, and she’ll pick up when she’s not in a FT friendly environment (ex. loud restaurant, sporting event), but she’ll continue the call like it’s not a big deal.

Sister called me yesterday to tell me that she’s unhappy that I’m not doing a better job facilitating the relationship between the two cousins. She said that our niece gets said whenever I don’t answer the Facetime calls. Again, I do admit that I’m not great at returning the calls, so I’m in the wrong about that for sure, but I feel pretty terrible that our niece is sad about that. 

I then asked her what she’d like me to do better, and she said that she’d like the cousins to have actual conversation, and for me not to hang up the call after 10 mins. I reiterated to her that sometimes I don’t pick up because it’s a bad time, or DD is fussy, and I want the call to be a good experience for all. Her response was “oh I understand, but if she’s fussy, maybe we can help her feel better.”
So I’m at a crossroads with this. On one hand, my lack of picking up/initiating the calls deserved to be called out, and I feel especially terrible that my niece is sad over this. On the other hand, I can’t help but think her expectations are a little unrealistic. I mean they’re both three years old, is she expecting that they are hold a conversation for a whole hour?

I can't believe she can do 10 minutes. That's a long time for a three year old. I have no advice. I hate Facetime - we live 1000 miles away from all family and it's the only way we ever see anyone, so we have to do it. My kid is 10 and is just now able to have a conversation and care about it. Your sister is being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all of the replies, but we have family half way around the world (grandparents) so I have experience with this.

We do a standing weekly breakfast call. Computer at the kitchen table, kid is eating and less squirmy, and will sit in a chair to face the screen. We also included a regular book reading activity.

Key for us was routine. Same time each week, same format, and the kid figured out what to do.

[Anonymous]

During the pandemic my husband spent a small fortune to buy both sets of grandparents and a few other family members Portals so that video calling with our little kids (and my nieces and nephews) wasn't so painful. They have a camera that tracks movement, so as long as the kids stay in the room they stay on the screen. A unexpected byproduct was that the kids figured out they could "play" through the screen so they would ask us to turn them on and they would build legos together or things like that. I cannot imagine we would have been able to do that holding a phone on them. We continue to use them for a weekly family call and it's still way easier than a phone or even a computer. So maybe you can make some peace by investing in a different device to make it easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet your niece keeps pestering your sister about wanting to talk with her cousin. Your sister is transferring that stress to you.

Continue the calm approach. And as pp suggested, a set day is probably better for 3 uear olds.

Oh, see I think the sister wants the calls to happen and the niece couldn't care less. My girls are 9 and they still hate Facetime calls.

[Anonymous]

A scheduled time is better but

FaceTiming is awful!!!! It’s boring and as an adult, I hate it.

[Anonymous]

We have FaceTime calls with ILs and SIL almost every day, some times twice a day with our 3 year old. Everyone loves it! Everyone gets that it’s not always perfect and you don’t always have a real conversation and sometimes our toddler wants to just play with Memojis on FaceTime and asks ILs to do the same, but it’s really built their relationship quite substantially because they live across the country. I think you should make more of an effort. You don’t have to hang up if there’s fussing, just put the phone down for a minute until things calm down. We follow our toddler around with the phone to show them what they’re up to. I vote make more of an effort.

[Anonymous]

you need a hobby
your sibling is not a hobby

[Anonymous]

Larla, they are three, they can barely hold an in person conversation.
Calm your a** down.

[Anonymous]

Your sister needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to manage her little girl's expectations. She should not be saying let's call DD and then the child is disappointed when you don't answer. You all should schedule and let her daughter be pleasantly surprised.

+1 drop the rope

You can't be managing everyone's emotions

Kids build a relationship from time together in person. When they are older they may FT but not as a chore.

[Anonymous]

Marco polos are a great idea- my kids love sending them to grandparents
And +1 for a set time every week for 10 min — maybe even wait on that until they are 4 or 5.

[Anonymous]

To avoid disappointment have her check in with you first to see if it is a good time, without mentioning anything to her kid. 8-10 minutes is the max expected at that age.