Sister is unhappy about how FaceTime calls with our niece are going

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be better to schedule these calls for a recurring set time, and I think your sister is being unrealistic.

+1.

I can't tell you how much I HATE and LOATHE Facetime calls. We did them with my parents and no matter what, my kids always wanted to "perform" on video. They wouldn't have a conversation and then my husband or I would end up trying to corral the kids while trying to have an adult conversation with my parents. I was so glad when my kids were old enough to just talk on the phone.

Anyway, tell your sister you need a set time. That way, her daughter is not disappointed. And also, 10 minutes is plenty for their age. 10 minutes twice a week would be great.

[Anonymous]

Why can you just set it ip in advance? Not a set recurring time but like: “does later today work around 5pm?” Just arrange it a few hours before.

[Anonymous]

It’s really sweet that she wants to do this. I wish I had a sister and wish my kids had cousins.

I can see how it could drive you crazy, though.

[Anonymous]

This seems really unrealistic to me. They are 3! I’m amazed you make it 10 minutes. Have you ever tried Marco Polo? It’s a free app where you send video messages back and forth. It can be way better for young kids. I often Marco Polo with my sister (just our own messages) but the kids like to send messages back and forth too and it’s soooo much less pressure than a FaceTime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be better to schedule these calls for a recurring set time, and I think your sister is being unrealistic.

+1 My sister wanted me to FT her kids and have a close relationship with her DD, which I want too. She’s 10 now and for the past 7 years she truly does not want anything to do with me. She’s getting slightly better, but my sister would force her to listen to me read her a story. I think my sister also badmouths me in front of her DD, so shocker.

When she visits, the one rule I ask for is for them to eat at the kitchen table. But, my sister breaks the rule hours after arriving, which I know makes her DD anxious. I never broke rules at her house with my older kids, and would never talk about her negatively in front of them.

I think my sister blames me, but I think this forcing just makes everyone uncomfortable. Over her $hit.

[Anonymous]

Schedule it. Give your child an object to show them or a story to tell them about. Have a regular schtick - tell each other a joke or something that the kids get accustomed to looking forward to.

Another thing is to exchange actual mail. Mail all those drawing you don’t want to hang on to over to them!

[Anonymous]

FaceTime with 3 year olds is ridiculous. Tell your sister so and get the girls together more often for in-person connections.

[Anonymous]

Obviously there are bad times where you can’t take a Facetime call.

However, if the issue is that your daughter is fussy, I vote you take the call and let your sister see what it’s like facetiming with a fussy 3 year old. If your daughter screams, cries, runs from the room, etc., well that’s why you normally wouldn’t answer, but you’re trying it your sister’s way.

On the off-chance that your sister is right and they put your daughter in a good mood, everyone wins. In the more likely event that the call is a disaster, maybe your sister will realize that some times are better than others and be grateful of your consideration in sparing them your child’s fussiness.

[Anonymous]

No 3 year old is able to do more than 10 minutes on a Facetime call. That's absolutely crazy. They have the attention span of a puppy.

I'd schedule a once a week call for 10 minutes. That's as much as little kids can handle.

Your sister needs to get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you, I would be unhappy if they were FaceTiming me at random & then were mad at me if I didn’t pick up.
Talk to sister & tell her you need more lead time for your schedule - make it a rule that you guys text each other before you pick up the phone & FaceTime. Like text at least an hr or 2 ahead & see if it is a good day/time. If she isn’t willing to do that, then too bad, no ft.
It is a nice idea but you & sister sound fundamentally different in your communication - how you will only pick up if it’s a good time, and she’ll interrupt her dinner in a restaurant to pick up. The only way for you 2 to get on the same of is to text in advance - then you will be able to schedule & prep, and she will avoid disappointing her DD (which is on her, not you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a three year old daughter, and my sister also has a three year old daughter. Sister lives about 6 hours away, so we only see them every few months, but it’s always a good time.

To help build a relationship between the two cousins, we try to FaceTime. I’ll be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Facetiming with a three year old; the set up is kind of awkward, and her attention span is 10 mins at most. I’ll admit that my sister initiates the calls much more frequently than I do, and I’m not great at returning her calls. It always seems like she calls at not great times (ex right during dinner or bedtime), but again, it’s on me to return her call. Also worth mentioning that I’ll FT her, and she’ll pick up when she’s not in a FT friendly environment (ex. loud restaurant, sporting event), but she’ll continue the call like it’s not a big deal.

Sister called me yesterday to tell me that she’s unhappy that I’m not doing a better job facilitating the relationship between the two cousins. She said that our niece gets said whenever I don’t answer the Facetime calls. Again, I do admit that I’m not great at returning the calls, so I’m in the wrong about that for sure, but I feel pretty terrible that our niece is sad about that. 

I then asked her what she’d like me to do better, and she said that she’d like the cousins to have actual conversation, and for me not to hang up the call after 10 mins. I reiterated to her that sometimes I don’t pick up because it’s a bad time, or DD is fussy, and I want the call to be a good experience for all. Her response was “oh I understand, but if she’s fussy, maybe we can help her feel better.”
So I’m at a crossroads with this. On one hand, my lack of picking up/initiating the calls deserved to be called out, and I feel especially terrible that my niece is sad over this. On the other hand, I can’t help but think her expectations are a little unrealistic. I mean they’re both three years old, is she expecting that they are hold a conversation for a whole hour?

"Susan, I will try to be better about returning calls but I'm busy. So I cannot always talk when (niece) calls. But, they are three. And I think the short calls are all that we can expect right now. And I think expecting more is a little unrealistic for the age. But I'm sure it will be better as they get older. It would be better if they could see each other more. Maybe we can get something on the calendar for spring break?"

I would not indulge about this beyond that. Her expectations are completely unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

I like the Marco Polo idea!

Some other ideas:
You both check out the same book from the library and one adult reads it aloud, the other parent/kid combo can turn pages at the right times

You both set up the same activity ... I would pick something open-ended/low stakes, like painting or coloring ... kids can color and show each other the pictures afterwards.

Another idea would be to send a stuffed animal back and forth and take it on little adventures and send pics or a letter back and forth (or text them)

I think reframing expectations might be good. Short and sweet is better at this age for sure.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others that your sister's expectations are unrealistic. We started doing weekly video chatting with family during the lockdown because we are all long distance (2 kids under 5 on both ends). I agree with others that having a pre-set time (start and stop) will be the best approach to managing expectations/making it a routine.

I also found my young kids responded much better to a larger screen- phones were an absolute no go, but if we could cast the phone or hook up a laptop to the TV, it would hold their attention longer (not long, but longer!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be better to schedule these calls for a recurring set time, and I think your sister is being unrealistic.

This. I’d say 10 minutes seems good. Toddlers just don’t care about this and your sister is projecting. She needs to stop telling her kid that she’s going to call you. That is on her.

Schedule more visits. Kids easily fall into a rhythm even if they see each other only a few times a years.

[Anonymous]

By 3, my kid was capable of pushing bedtime by 15 minutes, so if a FaceTime call from a relative comes, I can let the stay up to chat with Grandma or whoever.