How do you raise high achievers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two kids currently at top colleges. Here are some things we tried to do:

- Limit screen time as long as you can. We had zero screens until age 2 and held off on phones until 8th grade
- Expose them to the world…museums, age appropriate performing arts, gardens, travel, restaurants, wide range of people and experiences. Doesn’t have to be expensive and there are a lot of free things to do in the DMV area
- Have dinner together every night and talk with each other. When they are younger, okay guessing games at meals
- Attend their events, show interest and be supportive
- Let them try lots of things and quit at appropriate intervals if they know the activity is not for them
- If they find something they’re passionate about, let them go all in and support as much as you can afford and tolerate
- Applaud their effort and not so much their accomplishments
- Lead by example: volunteer, show up at work and at home, take care of your health, celebrate milestones large and small, love your own life fully

We did all this and more, and our kids did not end up at top colleges. They were always average students and didn’t develop strong interests despite encouragement. There is definitely a strong amount of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encouraging them to find something they love and have intrinsic motivation to succeed in. And nurturing that intrinsic motivation by not introducing extrinsic motivation (payment for good grades, etc.).

How do you “nurture intrinsic motivation” without using extrinsic motivation? You never say good job or give praise (extrinsic motivators)?

Your child is interested in something. You see what that thing is and how they make efforts to engage with it. You support those efforts. Maybe suggest an extension of them once in a while. Don’t force-march it. Be patient.

At the end you want both the intrinsic interest and a person who has the capacity to decide and execute for themselves. This includes not over-weighting “achievement” psychologically and not causing trauma that will ultimately harm the executive function capacity of the brain.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encouraging them to find something they love and have intrinsic motivation to succeed in. And nurturing that intrinsic motivation by not introducing extrinsic motivation (payment for good grades, etc.).

How do you “nurture intrinsic motivation” without using extrinsic motivation? You never say good job or give praise (extrinsic motivators)?

Your child is interested in something. You see what that thing is and how they make efforts to engage with it. You support those efforts. Maybe suggest an extension of them once in a while. Don’t force-march it. Be patient.

At the end you want both the intrinsic interest and a person who has the capacity to decide and execute for themselves. This includes not over-weighting “achievement” psychologically and not causing trauma that will ultimately harm the executive function capacity of the brain.

Good luck.

Finally a good answer . Wading through ish takes patience like shopping at TJ maxx 👍

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two kids currently at top colleges. Here are some things we tried to do:

- Limit screen time as long as you can. We had zero screens until age 2 and held off on phones until 8th grade
- Expose them to the world…museums, age appropriate performing arts, gardens, travel, restaurants, wide range of people and experiences. Doesn’t have to be expensive and there are a lot of free things to do in the DMV area
- Have dinner together every night and talk with each other. When they are younger, okay guessing games at meals
- Attend their events, show interest and be supportive
- Let them try lots of things and quit at appropriate intervals if they know the activity is not for them
- If they find something they’re passionate about, let them go all in and support as much as you can afford and tolerate
- Applaud their effort and not so much their accomplishments
- Lead by example: volunteer, show up at work and at home, take care of your health, celebrate milestones large and small, love your own life fully

We did all this and more, and our kids did not end up at top colleges. They were always average students and didn’t develop strong interests despite encouragement. There is definitely a strong amount of luck.

My husband graduated top of his class at an ivy law school and is now a big law partner. He also played a D1 sport. He watched so much freaking tv as a kid and played a ton of video games. Lots of other stuff on this list his parents didn't do.

My point is that success is mostly luck, and by that I mean you're born with drive and grit or you're not. He was lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t pay for grades - they need to be motivated on their own.

I read to them every night before bed - birth through 6th grade.

They need to do their best and they need to complete their HW / assignments etc.

My oldest is in 9th grade. I recently gave him a college book (the 2024 version) that my parents gave to me when I was in 9th gr and I basically said - I am not going to nag you. The reason why you want to get good grades is to go to a good college and you need to motivated on your own for that - I already went to college and I’m not going to micromanage you. It’s for you now - not for me.

What college book did you give him?

[Anonymous]

My child is a high try-er but not a high achiever. She has a few things in her life that she is passionate about and she works really hard at school. In spite of that, her achievements do not match her efforts or her ambition.

I was similar to her. My DH puts in pretty low effort but has always been able to achieve at a high level at whatever he cares about.

I think it’s a lottery and you have to hope that you have an intrinsically motivated kid who also happens to be extraordinarily talented at things with extrinsic rewards.

[Anonymous]

They’re just born that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t pay for grades - they need to be motivated on their own.

I read to them every night before bed - birth through 6th grade.

They need to do their best and they need to complete their HW / assignments etc.

My oldest is in 9th grade. I recently gave him a college book (the 2024 version) that my parents gave to me when I was in 9th gr and I basically said - I am not going to nag you. The reason why you want to get good grades is to go to a good college and you need to motivated on your own for that - I already went to college and I’m not going to micromanage you. It’s for you now - not for me.

What college book did you give him?

+1 I was wondering the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two kids currently at top colleges. Here are some things we tried to do:

- Limit screen time as long as you can. We had zero screens until age 2 and held off on phones until 8th grade
- Expose them to the world…museums, age appropriate performing arts, gardens, travel, restaurants, wide range of people and experiences. Doesn’t have to be expensive and there are a lot of free things to do in the DMV area
- Have dinner together every night and talk with each other. When they are younger, okay guessing games at meals
- Attend their events, show interest and be supportive
- Let them try lots of things and quit at appropriate intervals if they know the activity is not for them
- If they find something they’re passionate about, let them go all in and support as much as you can afford and tolerate
- Applaud their effort and not so much their accomplishments
- Lead by example: volunteer, show up at work and at home, take care of your health, celebrate milestones large and small, love your own life fully

This is a really lovely post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t pay for grades - they need to be motivated on their own.

I read to them every night before bed - birth through 6th grade.

They need to do their best and they need to complete their HW / assignments etc.

My oldest is in 9th grade. I recently gave him a college book (the 2024 version) that my parents gave to me when I was in 9th gr and I basically said - I am not going to nag you. The reason why you want to get good grades is to go to a good college and you need to motivated on your own for that - I already went to college and I’m not going to micromanage you. It’s for you now - not for me.

What college book did you give him?

Edition?

Author?

Editor?

Copyright date?

Yeah this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two kids currently at top colleges. Here are some things we tried to do:

- Limit screen time as long as you can. We had zero screens until age 2 and held off on phones until 8th grade
- Expose them to the world…museums, age appropriate performing arts, gardens, travel, restaurants, wide range of people and experiences. Doesn’t have to be expensive and there are a lot of free things to do in the DMV area
- Have dinner together every night and talk with each other. When they are younger, okay guessing games at meals
- Attend their events, show interest and be supportive
- Let them try lots of things and quit at appropriate intervals if they know the activity is not for them
- If they find something they’re passionate about, let them go all in and support as much as you can afford and tolerate
- Applaud their effort and not so much their accomplishments
- Lead by example: volunteer, show up at work and at home, take care of your health, celebrate milestones large and small, love your own life fully

This is a really lovely post.

It is but it's more about good parenting and a good household than creating a high achiever. I still think it's a good list. I'd rather be a good parent than produce anything specific.

[Anonymous]

I have really intense ambitious kids. I wish they could dial it down a few degrees. I'm not like this but my husband is.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who claims they did it and can tell you how to do it fails to realize they got lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not luck. It's tons of nurturing. Play lots of educational games with them. Do random math questions or spelling questions. We play jeopardy or "know your times tables" while driving in the car. Put them in extracurricular activities that they show promise in.

Whatever Jan

Her kids are probably still young. Jan, do you still feed them all organic and no refined sugar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two kids currently at top colleges. Here are some things we tried to do:

- Limit screen time as long as you can. We had zero screens until age 2 and held off on phones until 8th grade
- Expose them to the world…museums, age appropriate performing arts, gardens, travel, restaurants, wide range of people and experiences. Doesn’t have to be expensive and there are a lot of free things to do in the DMV area
- Have dinner together every night and talk with each other. When they are younger, okay guessing games at meals
- Attend their events, show interest and be supportive
- Let them try lots of things and quit at appropriate intervals if they know the activity is not for them
- If they find something they’re passionate about, let them go all in and support as much as you can afford and tolerate
- Applaud their effort and not so much their accomplishments
- Lead by example: volunteer, show up at work and at home, take care of your health, celebrate milestones large and small, love your own life fully

We did all this and more, and our kids did not end up at top colleges. They were always average students and didn’t develop strong interests despite encouragement. There is definitely a strong amount of luck.

+1 I literally could have written that list. We did and do all of that. One of mine is certainly smart enough to handle a top college, but had zero ambition to even apply to one, and is very happy where he is; the other is bright and works really hard, but has ADHD, so grades are terrible.