Former Victim Of Domestic Violence 🙁

[Anonymous]

And the "rescuers" may have their own struggles, and they are responsible for drawing and keeping those boundaries for themselves. Someone with a history of depression, anxiety, PTSD, their own history of abuse, or many other struggles -- of which you might not now or ever be aware -- may need to provide that support. They are responsible to themselves and to others who are depending on them.

You don't get to insist that people let themselves be climbed on and pushed under to save someone who is drowning, PP. There is always the caveat of "if you can," and you are not the privileged person to decide what other people can and cannot handle.

[Anonymous]

You know, friends are not therapists, and friends are not perfect. They are human with their own lives, wants, needs, reactions, triggers and trauma, and if they chose to walk away, you need to respect that.

Have you considered how triggering and trauma-inducing it might have been for them? They might well have experienced or witnessed abuse that they tried to warn someone about, only to be ignored or diminished. And then that pattern was repeated by you going back to your abuser, despite their desperate attempts to help you.

They might have been hurt by your actions and inactions, and if they chose to walk, that’s valid and that’s not something you get to “fix” or try to cast them as the bad guy.

Ask me how I know…

[Anonymous]

Not being in a position to help anymore is not a commentary on whether OP or other victims deserve help, or whether they are at fault, or anything at all about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not being in a position to help anymore is not a commentary on whether OP or other victims deserve help, or whether they are at fault, or anything at all about them.

Right. And not being in a position to help (anymore) doesn't entitle a "friend" to blame that on the victim. Yes, take care of yourself. You can do that without being crappy to others.

[Anonymous]

So I've been your friend (sort of). I was there for my friend many times during the abuse. Dropping things if she needed me, giving her money.helping her find other support to leave, etc. By the 3rd time she went back to him, I was angry. Logically I knew that was the reality of leaving an abuser. But it just made me so mad that I had done SO much for her and the second he loved bombed her and promised he'd changed, she would go right back. I never doubted the abuse because I saw it first hand but we had other friends make comments like "well it can't be that bad if she keeps going back."

By the 5th time, DH had to intervene because he was worried about the impact on my own mental health. So I took a big step back and found some online support groups to kind of work through my own emotions. I set boundaries and became more distant. When she finally left, our friendship was pretty damaged. She was angry at me for my boundaries and I was angry at her for what I felt like was her inability to see how her behavior impacted me.

We didn't talk for a couple of years and then she reached out. She'd done therapy and really turned her life around. She apologized for what she put me through and I apologized for not being there for her much towards the end. We are friends again but it took some work.

[Anonymous]

Send them some literature or web links to info about the cycle of abuse. Congratulations on freeing yourself from that relationship, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not being in a position to help anymore is not a commentary on whether OP or other victims deserve help, or whether they are at fault, or anything at all about them.

Right. And not being in a position to help (anymore) doesn't entitle a "friend" to blame that on the victim. Yes, take care of yourself. You can do that without being crappy to others.

No disagreement. But if the victim blames and shames the friend for not being there for them, that's also being crappy. Both of those are bad things.

[Anonymous]

A true + genuine friend is one who will provide unconditional love, support as well as companionship and loyalty.

Period.
No exceptions.
None.

If someone is being abused in a relationship w/their partner, then the fault only lies w/the perpetrator - not anyone else.

So to get angry or frustrated at the victim makes zero sense.
A good friend is always present for their friend, 24/7/365.
They would understand how scary and dangerous it likely is to leave an abusive relationship and will not judge their friend’s actions/decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You burned your friends out OP. It’s extremely hard to stand by and watch someone hurt themselves repeatedly. They are not your parents or therapists, and are not bound to love you unconditionally. They had to distance themselves for their own mental health, especially if you were drawing them into the details. Just consider this part of the collateral consequences of the abuse. I’m sorry. If any of these friends were truly good friends of long-standing before the abusive relationship, you could try addressing it with them directly.

This sadly. You became toxic when constantly asking for advice and help and than returning to your abuser.

Good people, even good friends, can only take so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry to say this but you have a tendency to attract problems and call me cold or whatever but I avoid such people like the plague because I tend to be sucked in
So yeah start presenting as a person in control of your life and maybe some friends will come back

May you find yourself alone when life's difficulties find you.

Interesting that you are wishing ill on someone that has shown they have boundaries. I am guessing you are an abuser yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A true + genuine friend is one who will provide unconditional love, support as well as companionship and loyalty.

Period.
No exceptions.
None.

If someone is being abused in a relationship w/their partner, then the fault only lies w/the perpetrator - not anyone else.

So to get angry or frustrated at the victim makes zero sense.
A good friend is always present for their friend, 24/7/365.
They would understand how scary and dangerous it likely is to leave an abusive relationship and will not judge their friend’s actions/decisions.

So this person who is being abused can't be a true friend, because they can't be there for a friend 24/7/365, "Period No exceptions None," right?

What if that victim gets away and then deals with PTSD, suicidality, what have you? Are they not ever allowed to say "I'm too traumatized with my own history to be here at 2am for you when I'm dealing with my own suicidal thoughts?"

Sounds like you want a stuffed animal, not a real person as your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the "rescuers" may have their own struggles, and they are responsible for drawing and keeping those boundaries for themselves. Someone with a history of depression, anxiety, PTSD, their own history of abuse, or many other struggles -- of which you might not now or ever be aware -- may need to provide that support. They are responsible to themselves and to others who are depending on them.

You don't get to insist that people let themselves be climbed on and pushed under to save someone who is drowning, PP. There is always the caveat of "if you can," and you are not the privileged person to decide what other people can and cannot handle.

You sound like a self absorbed person who has very little to give to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not being in a position to help anymore is not a commentary on whether OP or other victims deserve help, or whether they are at fault, or anything at all about them.

Right. And not being in a position to help (anymore) doesn't entitle a "friend" to blame that on the victim. Yes, take care of yourself. You can do that without being crappy to others.

This. This is all one sad PP posting over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not being in a position to help anymore is not a commentary on whether OP or other victims deserve help, or whether they are at fault, or anything at all about them.

Right. And not being in a position to help (anymore) doesn't entitle a "friend" to blame that on the victim. Yes, take care of yourself. You can do that without being crappy to others.

No disagreement. But if the victim blames and shames the friend for not being there for them, that's also being crappy. Both of those are bad things.

You’re really confused about what friendship is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry to say this but you have a tendency to attract problems and call me cold or whatever but I avoid such people like the plague because I tend to be sucked in
So yeah start presenting as a person in control of your life and maybe some friends will come back

May you find yourself alone when life's difficulties find you.

Interesting that you are wishing ill on someone that has shown they have boundaries. I am guessing you are an abuser yourself.

You need to stop presenting yourself as anyone’s “friend.” You clearly aren’t and need to work on yourself more, without the fake self image.