Former Victim Of Domestic Violence 🙁

[Anonymous]

No advice, but this thread just makes me think so much of the song Landed by Ben Folds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vPygzPSg8M

[Anonymous]

I find that when it comes to issues of DV, unless the victim leaves immediately and never returns — it is nearly impossible to find sympathy or support.

[Anonymous]

You burned your friends out OP. It’s extremely hard to stand by and watch someone hurt themselves repeatedly. They are not your parents or therapists, and are not bound to love you unconditionally. They had to distance themselves for their own mental health, especially if you were drawing them into the details. Just consider this part of the collateral consequences of the abuse. I’m sorry. If any of these friends were truly good friends of long-standing before the abusive relationship, you could try addressing it with them directly.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the friends feared your abuser as well and don’t want any part of the situation. Abusers often reach/intimidate their victims indirectly through their victims workplace, family members, friends. My ex ran into my friend and charmed her and asked her for my new phone number, she gave it to him.

[Anonymous]

When I left my abusive ex and he was convicted of assault pretty much every friend I had in the DC are walked away. Many wouldn't say it out loud but the ones that did believed I shouldn't have contacted police and that I was ruining his life.

Anyway, move on. You'll find your new tribe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that when it comes to issues of DV, unless the victim leaves immediately and never returns — it is nearly impossible to find sympathy or support.

I left immediately and lost all of my friends. They took his side despite the fact that there was plenty of evidence to convict him and he was convicted. I was the wicked woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to do some self examination to understand the you went back. Did you think he’ll change and he’s really sorry? Did you think his behavior could be justified? Or, were you a little afraid of him harming you if you didn’t do what he said and acquiescence was for your perceived safety?

Unfortunately my experience is 1000% genuine.
I wish I did make this up and get 2023 back again instead of wasting so much time with this loser.

I am in therapy addressing my reasons for staying w/this abusive man so long.
I am in my 40’s & my children have recently flew the coop so some of it was due to loneliness I am sure as well as a distraction from missing my kids.
Also I had been single over a decade + it was nice to have someone tell me how pretty I was, how much they loved me, wanted me, etc.

I really wish my friends would believe that yes, I was guilty for returning to my abuser yet I am not guilty of being dishonest in all I endured.

Sometimes it's not about blame or responsibility or what you are guilty of. Sometimes that is just not relevant.

Relationships can be destroyed in many ways. People can get burned out or be dealing with their own issues of trauma that were brought up again when they were involved in another unhealthy relationship, even peripherally.

OP, you can't argue them into liking you again, or valuing you the way you want to be valued. You can't present an airtight argument that will force them to care about you if their caring sensors are just burned out.

You have your lief back. Allow other people to have their own lives and make their own decisions, just like you. Find people who want to spend time with you instead of focusing on trying to turn that clock back.

[Anonymous]

^^"You have your life back" [your own life, the part that belongs to you -- not the lives of other people]

[Anonymous]

I am sorry to say this but you have a tendency to attract problems and call me cold or whatever but I avoid such people like the plague because I tend to be sucked in
So yeah start presenting as a person in control of your life and maybe some friends will come back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry to say this but you have a tendency to attract problems and call me cold or whatever but I avoid such people like the plague because I tend to be sucked in
So yeah start presenting as a person in control of your life and maybe some friends will come back

Harsh but true. I think it depends on what kind of friends these were. If they were new friends or casual acquaintances that she drew into her intense personal problems, she cannot really expect them to stay around. If they were true friends she had for a long time, then I would expect them to make more of an effort to revive the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry to say this but you have a tendency to attract problems and call me cold or whatever but I avoid such people like the plague because I tend to be sucked in
So yeah start presenting as a person in control of your life and maybe some friends will come back

Harsh but true. I think it depends on what kind of friends these were. If they were new friends or casual acquaintances that she drew into her intense personal problems, she cannot really expect them to stay around. If they were true friends she had for a long time, then I would expect them to make more of an effort to revive the friendship.

DP. I'd point out that we have no idea how much of an effort was already made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was with an abusive man the majority of last year.

It was just awful.
He hit me, trapped me in his house for hours & left bruises on me often.

I complained to friends about him and they usually offered their support + encouraged me to leave him.

But I took him back - about 4x overall.
Eventually they grew tired of me complaining to them, then going back to him and their support turned into anger.
Some accused me of making it all up because (understandably so!) I kept returning to him after abusive incidents.

I finally got into therapy and found the strength and willpower to leave him for good.
I was granted a restraining order and am now truly happy and free.

The problem is that my friends are still mad that I took him back all of those times and they still think I lied about the abuse.

I 1000% understand their anger and frustration at my back + forth behavior, however I never lied about being abused.

How do I regain the trust of these friends?

Have them watch The Maid, mini series

Maybe they’ll get it then.

You gotta do what you gotta do.

I thought that portrayal in The Maid was actually really great at showing both sides of the relationship and how she was unreliable with no plan and no support system when she left, but left anyway. While he had supportive parents and a job. And he cleaned himself up and got sober for her and their family while she just planned without him and left with their daughter. It really did justice to his character which is unusual in these stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry to say this but you have a tendency to attract problems and call me cold or whatever but I avoid such people like the plague because I tend to be sucked in
So yeah start presenting as a person in control of your life and maybe some friends will come back

May you find yourself alone when life's difficulties find you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On average, a woman will usually return to her abuser an average of seven times. Yes! Seven!
And just because a woman takes her abuser back in does not indicate that she concocted all of her previous abuse incidents for pity.
It just means that she needs more time to value herself more to see she does not deserve the harsh treatment any longer.

All of this. Abusers often seek out people with low self-esteem, limited social contacts, or other easy ways of establishing a "power over" dynamic.

It's not nearly as easy to break out of as you'd hope, and those who reach out deserve support, every time, because they're fighting for their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On average, a woman will usually return to her abuser an average of seven times. Yes! Seven!
And just because a woman takes her abuser back in does not indicate that she concocted all of her previous abuse incidents for pity.
It just means that she needs more time to value herself more to see she does not deserve the harsh treatment any longer.

All of this. Abusers often seek out people with low self-esteem, limited social contacts, or other easy ways of establishing a "power over" dynamic.

It's not nearly as easy to break out of as you'd hope, and those who reach out deserve support, every time, because they're fighting for their lives.

But the “rescuers” have to maintain their own boundaries for the same reason - because it can become easy for lines to be blurred and to try to control the victim by “getting them to leave” because the victim is so helpless. After a few rounds of this when the victim goes back or refuses to help themselves, the “rescuers” may need to take a step back. Be there when they need you sure, but the dynamic is different. Victim ultimately has to take responsibility for themselves.