What one societal expectation, if removed, would make life easier for moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain when these expectations become reality?

Other than a mother/MIL commenting on something (that’s a family problem?) or the school calling the mom first, where and how do you feel these pressures?

Maybe I just DGAF but the whole Christmas magic thing, or nutritious meals - why do you feel like that’s on YOU as a mom? I assume my husband is equally as responsible for that stuff as I am so I don’t feel guilty if I don’t make it happen. So I’m trying to figure out where the guilt is coming from - is it self imposed? If so, let it go!

Letting it go is a process. You can't just put it back all on individuals. We are all shaped by cultural expectations. That's being human.

Intensive parenting needs to go. It's unrealistic and entirely a creation of middle class status anxiety.

But who is enforcing these expectations in your real life? I don’t even know what intensive parenting means! (And I have two kids).

[Anonymous]

Writ large — larger than most answers so far on this thread — I reject that the mom is the default go-to person for anything and everything. Huge to small.

Why can’t the other parent oversee the placement of a splint when Bobby breaks a finger on the playground? Or needs crayons, or speech therapy in network or a STEM camp with bus service or that Lego set or more leafy green vegetables? It’s the _everything_ is for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain when these expectations become reality?

Other than a mother/MIL commenting on something (that’s a family problem?) or the school calling the mom first, where and how do you feel these pressures?

Maybe I just DGAF but the whole Christmas magic thing, or nutritious meals - why do you feel like that’s on YOU as a mom? I assume my husband is equally as responsible for that stuff as I am so I don’t feel guilty if I don’t make it happen. So I’m trying to figure out where the guilt is coming from - is it self imposed? If so, let it go!

Regarding stuff like holiday magic and healthy meals, I find the bulk of the pressure comes from other moms. It can take a lot of forms. I have a few friends that constantly want to plan holiday outings with our kids during the holidays, and if I say no to any of it, they are not above laying a guilt trip about how much the kids would love a holiday train/gingerbread decorating/ice skating/light installation/etc. Or you get the people who openly judge anyone who lets their kid eat processed snacks or doesn't do a sit down meal with the family every single night.

I can ignore a lot of this and I'm good at saying no or "we do what works for our family." But that doesn't mean I don't feel the guilt sometimes. Even scrolling DCUM or my neighborhood listserve, I sometimes get this feeling of inadequacy. None of it comes from my mom or MIL. It's all other moms, including my sister and some of my good friends.

Actually I've had several friends tell me they appreciate that I'm honest about the challenges of parenthood and don't participate in the olympic-level sport of being the perfect mom. Which is a kind of backhanded compliment, but I actually am proud of it so I'll take it. I'm happy to be your resident mediocre mom who doesn't want make you feel inadequate. My kids seem happy.

I’m PP. You need better friends! I’m serious - I can’t think of a single time any of my friends have said anything like that.

The wife of my husband’s college friend once made a nasty comment about breastfeeding (I had twins and had to supplement with formula and she basically said my kids were going to suffer the rest of their lives) so I stopped spending any time with her. My husband could see his friend and I would attend group activities but I otherwise wouldn’t put myself anywhere near this woman’s presence again.

If it’s family (mother, MIL, sisters, SILs) then I get how hard that would be to escape. But DCUM and a neighborhood listserve? You may really want to talk to someone about why you feel the need to compare yourself to people who are probably not telling you the whole truth. Just imagine someone on here posting about the benefits of the vegan diet they feed their kids…when in reality the dad takes those kids out for McDonald’s afterwards because they all hate mom’s cooking!

I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just genuinely hoping you’ll free yourself from the shackles of someone else’s ridiculous expectations for your life. Learn to let those things go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Writ large — larger than most answers so far on this thread — I reject that the mom is the default go-to person for anything and everything. Huge to small.

Why can’t the other parent oversee the placement of a splint when Bobby breaks a finger on the playground? Or needs crayons, or speech therapy in network or a STEM camp with bus service or that Lego set or more leafy green vegetables? It’s the _everything_ is for

I’m the same. My husband is just as responsible for our children as I am. My kids have never once come home from school and blamed ME that they missed bringing something in. That was on both of us (and of course some things are on the kids but I’m talking things the teachers only email the parents about). If the teacher emails only you, ask the teacher to include your husband next time and forward the email to your husband so it’s on both of your plates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain when these expectations become reality?

Other than a mother/MIL commenting on something (that’s a family problem?) or the school calling the mom first, where and how do you feel these pressures?

Maybe I just DGAF but the whole Christmas magic thing, or nutritious meals - why do you feel like that’s on YOU as a mom? I assume my husband is equally as responsible for that stuff as I am so I don’t feel guilty if I don’t make it happen. So I’m trying to figure out where the guilt is coming from - is it self imposed? If so, let it go!

Regarding stuff like holiday magic and healthy meals, I find the bulk of the pressure comes from other moms. It can take a lot of forms. I have a few friends that constantly want to plan holiday outings with our kids during the holidays, and if I say no to any of it, they are not above laying a guilt trip about how much the kids would love a holiday train/gingerbread decorating/ice skating/light installation/etc. Or you get the people who openly judge anyone who lets their kid eat processed snacks or doesn't do a sit down meal with the family every single night.

I can ignore a lot of this and I'm good at saying no or "we do what works for our family." But that doesn't mean I don't feel the guilt sometimes. Even scrolling DCUM or my neighborhood listserve, I sometimes get this feeling of inadequacy. None of it comes from my mom or MIL. It's all other moms, including my sister and some of my good friends.

Actually I've had several friends tell me they appreciate that I'm honest about the challenges of parenthood and don't participate in the olympic-level sport of being the perfect mom. Which is a kind of backhanded compliment, but I actually am proud of it so I'll take it. I'm happy to be your resident mediocre mom who doesn't want make you feel inadequate. My kids seem happy.

I’m PP. You need better friends! I’m serious - I can’t think of a single time any of my friends have said anything like that.

The wife of my husband’s college friend once made a nasty comment about breastfeeding (I had twins and had to supplement with formula and she basically said my kids were going to suffer the rest of their lives) so I stopped spending any time with her. My husband could see his friend and I would attend group activities but I otherwise wouldn’t put myself anywhere near this woman’s presence again.

If it’s family (mother, MIL, sisters, SILs) then I get how hard that would be to escape. But DCUM and a neighborhood listserve? You may really want to talk to someone about why you feel the need to compare yourself to people who are probably not telling you the whole truth. Just imagine someone on here posting about the benefits of the vegan diet they feed their kids…when in reality the dad takes those kids out for McDonald’s afterwards because they all hate mom’s cooking!

I’m not trying to be rude, I’m just genuinely hoping you’ll free yourself from the shackles of someone else’s ridiculous expectations for your life. Learn to let those things go!

This comment IS rude and ignores what I actually said in my comment. Someone asked where the pressure came from. I explained where I feel it. I didn't say I succumb to it or walk around feeling bad all the time. I'm not "shackled." But the level of judgment in your comment is a really good example of how moms cannot win. Apparently according to you, I can't even admit I sometimes feel mom guilt correctly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remembering so many minor minor events.

I can calendar, I can set reminders, I can show for big events with cookies.

Somehow I successfully have my kid wear pajamas on each Monday in December (or what have you). But the amount of brain space this has to take … it isn’t worth the squeeze.

Major stuff good. Minor stuff I’m pulling off. But “remember to send $3 labeled on Thursday” “remember to send party supplies” (done) “remember they wear their special shirts Friday” “remember you middle schooler wants to send $5 for the donut fundraiser that only benefits the football team” “remember Thursday is teacher supply day” (that I agree with) “remember book fair closes. Give them money in their eWallet” “remember to send cookies supplies by next week”

All of it together is so hard.

Agree with this one. I’ve pretty much just stopped and… the world has gone on. I feel a little bad sometimes because I do understand that those things bring joy and teachers/coaches deserve acknowledgment and volunteers are needed to make everything happen - but I can’t handle it coming from all angles. I volunteer heavily for one thing, occasionally over-donate, and try not to beat myself up for skipping 12 sign up geniuses, missing all PTA meetings, and having my kids forget spirit week or donating to the school raffle. They youngest is 10 and I’ve adopted an attitude with the kids of “if this is important to you, you need to make sure it happens.” Luckily DH takes up some of the slack so our family only kind of has a reputation as slackers.

[Anonymous]

Benefits tied to employment. We need more parent friendly work hours and Medicare for all so one spouse isn’t stuck slogging 40-50 hours a week to get health care for family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a failure if you’re not thin after kids

Also being a failure if you are not a director at F500 after multiple kids 🧒

[Anonymous]

But 40 hours a week in the minimum time for a full time job. How is that slogging?

[Anonymous]

Going back to work when your baby is 8-14 weeks old, so essentially no maternity leave, and hitting the ground running at the same 45-55+ hours a week job you’ve always had. It should be far more common and feasible to work part time or, like, 35-40 hours a week but not more, at professional careers after having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll start:
making holidays special for entire families.

If you don't like societal expectations, change your society. I am Christian and no one in my surroundings put any pressure on women. We all created by image of God, so no demand to be thin. Husbands are equally involved in child raising with any single family I know, sometimes even more than moms. People fall into this fad pushed by the media on them and then suffer tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going back to work when your baby is 8-14 weeks old, so essentially no maternity leave, and hitting the ground running at the same 45-55+ hours a week job you’ve always had. It should be far more common and feasible to work part time or, like, 35-40 hours a week but not more, at professional careers after having kids.

That's not societal expectation--that's the need for two incomes and bad worker protections in this country from our corporate, capitalistic culture. The societal part is when the witches in their 50s are like "I did it so you should too" instead of making it easier for those who come after them. That is the really effed up thinking. People who say "I did it and I turned out OK" really did not turn out OK....

[Anonymous]

I’m the mom. I want to be the default parent. I want to be the one taking care of holidays and birthday parties. My husband doesn’t care about that stuff and it would suck for me if we didn’t have it. I care more about school stuff and everything like that.

I hate that society is starting to tell me that it’s wrong that I’m doing more of the kid stuff than my husband. I hate that people somehow think I’m pressured to do all that because of society when it’s really just in my nature to care about it.

[Anonymous]

Autonomous nuclear families. That’s what makes all of this so hard.

If we were living in true communities, where there were lots of hands to help raise our kids, things would be so, so much easier.

I was just reading the other day something about how in agrarian societies, the typical child had 15 caregivers, 8 on a regular basis. Can you imagine how much easier life would be with that kind of support?

[Anonymous]

If this is magic wand time, I’d like society to want a better healthcare system. I’d like for my kids to see doctors and dentists and specialists at school, preferably without me there. The amount of time and stress and effort it takes to manage all of the appointments. If they need to see the kid they can do it at school, then follow up with me later. 99% of the appointments I go to really don’t even need my kids to be present.