What one societal expectation, if removed, would make life easier for moms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remembering so many minor minor events.

I can calendar, I can set reminders, I can show for big events with cookies.

Somehow I successfully have my kid wear pajamas on each Monday in December (or what have you). But the amount of brain space this has to take … it isn’t worth the squeeze.

Major stuff good. Minor stuff I’m pulling off. But “remember to send $3 labeled on Thursday” “remember to send party supplies” (done) “remember they wear their special shirts Friday” “remember you middle schooler wants to send $5 for the donut fundraiser that only benefits the football team” “remember Thursday is teacher supply day” (that I agree with) “remember book fair closes. Give them money in their eWallet” “remember to send cookies supplies by next week”

All of it together is so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll start:
making holidays special for entire families.

Correct. I dropped the rope on this. I have all boys. My future DILS can thank me for not setting expectations.

I dunno; I’d worry that this just means your sons won’t associate holidays as important / priorities in your family, and will feel no need to spend them with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Remembering so many minor minor events.

I can calendar, I can set reminders, I can show for big events with cookies.

Somehow I successfully have my kid wear pajamas on each Monday in December (or what have you). But the amount of brain space this has to take … it isn’t worth the squeeze.

I have given up on this with kid #2. And she doesn’t seem to care much about it.

Totally with you on the brain space issue

Preschool for each of our kids was more intense on this stuff. More minor things, and it FEELS bad for the kids if you miss things. They all are more important, yet still minor.

I’m glad to be done with preschool. It’s gotten slightly easier with our oldest in MS. Now she has to remember.

But preschool was like “early pickup on Friday, class party on Thursday, grandparents day (oh you have no local grandparents, but you can show up), send in pasta for our craft Tuesday, it’s their star student day next week so make this craft at home, the parade will be next month but parents can help get it together next Saturday”

[Anonymous]

Clean house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remembering so many minor minor events.

I can calendar, I can set reminders, I can show for big events with cookies.

Somehow I successfully have my kid wear pajamas on each Monday in December (or what have you). But the amount of brain space this has to take … it isn’t worth the squeeze.

It's really hard. And sometimes you don't know what's going to matter. Sometimes you put effort into remembering some thing and your kid did want care, the school doesn't care, other parents are like "wait, you did that?"

But on the other hand my DD still brings up the time two full years ago when misunderstood an expectation for her dance class and she therefore was unable to participate in a 20 minute exhibition that took place during a class. Like literally she brought this up last night, "Remember when I couldn't do that thing because you didn't bring the right color leotard?" Me: "are you talking about the thing two years ago?" Her: "yes, I'm still so sad, all my friends got to do it and I didn't. I'll always be sad about that."

SIGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Defaulting to calling moms when school child is sick and school has both parents phone numbers.

obviously this excludes lesbian couples, sorry.

Does that happen because moms fill out the forms and put themselves as the 1st name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Defaulting to calling moms when school child is sick and school has both parents phone numbers.

obviously this excludes lesbian couples, sorry.

Does that happen because moms fill out the forms and put themselves as the 1st name?

NP. It’s not too common to have “parent/guardian 1” and “parent/guardian 2.” They usually have spaces for mother and father. When it doesn’t specify I always put my husband first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll start:
making holidays special for entire families.

Correct. I dropped the rope on this. I have all boys. My future DILS can thank me for not setting expectations.

I dunno; I’d worry that this just means your sons won’t associate holidays as important / priorities in your family, and will feel no need to spend them with you

Nah, if they get time off from school and have good time together as a family playing Mario kart and eating cookies or whatever, it’ll be as special as it needs to be. Just not Disney magical. If her sons don’t want to spend Christmas with her when they are older…well that’s just absurd and now I feel like you’re kind of ridiculous for saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Defaulting to calling moms when school child is sick and school has both parents phone numbers.

obviously this excludes lesbian couples, sorry.

I’m a teacher and second this. Actually, it should be expanded to contacting home for any reason. Call both parents.

I email both parents about any academic or behavior concern. If one parent contacts me, I cc the other in my reply.

[Anonymous]

The societal expectation that women need to follow societal expectations

[Anonymous]

Planning and executing magical birthday parties and vacations.

[Anonymous]

Being the family cook

I pay my house cleaner extra hours to batch cook dinners to cover 4 nights a week. The other three my kid eats a tortilla with melted cheese and fruit and the adults get takeout or go out. We eat lunch out both weekend days.

I just refuse to deal with meals other than breakfast anymore.

[Anonymous]

Can someone explain when these expectations become reality?

Other than a mother/MIL commenting on something (that’s a family problem?) or the school calling the mom first, where and how do you feel these pressures?

Maybe I just DGAF but the whole Christmas magic thing, or nutritious meals - why do you feel like that’s on YOU as a mom? I assume my husband is equally as responsible for that stuff as I am so I don’t feel guilty if I don’t make it happen. So I’m trying to figure out where the guilt is coming from - is it self imposed? If so, let it go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain when these expectations become reality?

Other than a mother/MIL commenting on something (that’s a family problem?) or the school calling the mom first, where and how do you feel these pressures?

Maybe I just DGAF but the whole Christmas magic thing, or nutritious meals - why do you feel like that’s on YOU as a mom? I assume my husband is equally as responsible for that stuff as I am so I don’t feel guilty if I don’t make it happen. So I’m trying to figure out where the guilt is coming from - is it self imposed? If so, let it go!

Letting it go is a process. You can't just put it back all on individuals. We are all shaped by cultural expectations. That's being human.

Intensive parenting needs to go. It's unrealistic and entirely a creation of middle class status anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone explain when these expectations become reality?

Other than a mother/MIL commenting on something (that’s a family problem?) or the school calling the mom first, where and how do you feel these pressures?

Maybe I just DGAF but the whole Christmas magic thing, or nutritious meals - why do you feel like that’s on YOU as a mom? I assume my husband is equally as responsible for that stuff as I am so I don’t feel guilty if I don’t make it happen. So I’m trying to figure out where the guilt is coming from - is it self imposed? If so, let it go!

Regarding stuff like holiday magic and healthy meals, I find the bulk of the pressure comes from other moms. It can take a lot of forms. I have a few friends that constantly want to plan holiday outings with our kids during the holidays, and if I say no to any of it, they are not above laying a guilt trip about how much the kids would love a holiday train/gingerbread decorating/ice skating/light installation/etc. Or you get the people who openly judge anyone who lets their kid eat processed snacks or doesn't do a sit down meal with the family every single night.

I can ignore a lot of this and I'm good at saying no or "we do what works for our family." But that doesn't mean I don't feel the guilt sometimes. Even scrolling DCUM or my neighborhood listserve, I sometimes get this feeling of inadequacy. None of it comes from my mom or MIL. It's all other moms, including my sister and some of my good friends.

Actually I've had several friends tell me they appreciate that I'm honest about the challenges of parenthood and don't participate in the olympic-level sport of being the perfect mom. Which is a kind of backhanded compliment, but I actually am proud of it so I'll take it. I'm happy to be your resident mediocre mom who doesn't want make you feel inadequate. My kids seem happy.