Best living situation for barely mobile 72 year old

[Anonymous]

So your plan is that you say to her "You need to move, we respect you a lot and we are super understanding and nonjudgmental." And she's like "Oke doke" and packs a bag, and goes... where?

If being respectful and understanding works, why not send your DH out to test that theory. "Knock knock it's me, your adult son, who is respectful and nonjudgmental!" And she'll be like "Okay, come into my hoarder-house, which I know is a firetrap that you will force me to permanently leave". Or she'll be like "No way" and then your DH will come home and tell you it didn't work, and then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the house like the last time you went in? Was there something that happened 10 years ago that made her stop letting you in?

Best case scenario she isn't a hoarder in the classic sense (attached to stuff, can't let go of trash), but has ended up there because of long standing mobility issues that prevent her from doing any housekeeping. Who takes out her trash, etc. if she can't go up and down the stairs?

OP here. The house was fine when I last saw it. Cleaner than mine.

We stopped visiting due to issues on our end (kid with SN that made traveling very unpleasant) and her desire to visit us. Until 2020 MIL traveled routinely for work and would visit 3 or 4 times a year. When my husband would travel to her city for work, the office he visited was far enough from her house it wouldn’t make sense for him to stay with her and she would offer to come to him.

So it was like a frog boiling in water- very gradual. Explanations always made sense in the context. Also, DH and his mom are very private people and just don’t talk about stuff in a way that is fundamentally different from my family of origin.

I’m feel a bit overwhelmed and discouraged but it was probably a good wake up call to have before we sit down and talk with MIL.

[Anonymous]

My cousins are going through something like this. My aunt and uncle were really sharp and fine until very recently. When they finally went inside their apartment, family members could not believe the condition they were living in. The fridge and the bathrooms were absolutely vile. And yes there were tons of smells and other things.

[Anonymous]

Well, it doesn't matter how it was before. If she won't let anyone in at all, either it's hoarding or it's some other mental health issue. Either way, you're being very naive if you think asking nicely will solve it.

It sounds like your DH is in denial or is willfully avoiding this problem. He needs to step up and do what it takes to ensure his mother is safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the house like the last time you went in? Was there something that happened 10 years ago that made her stop letting you in?

Best case scenario she isn't a hoarder in the classic sense (attached to stuff, can't let go of trash), but has ended up there because of long standing mobility issues that prevent her from doing any housekeeping. Who takes out her trash, etc. if she can't go up and down the stairs?

OP here. The house was fine when I last saw it. Cleaner than mine.

We stopped visiting due to issues on our end (kid with SN that made traveling very unpleasant) and her desire to visit us. Until 2020 MIL traveled routinely for work and would visit 3 or 4 times a year. When my husband would travel to her city for work, the office he visited was far enough from her house it wouldn’t make sense for him to stay with her and she would offer to come to him.

[b]So it was like a frog boiling in water- very gradual. Explanations always made sense in the context. Also, DH and his mom are very private people and just don’t talk about stuff in a way that is fundamentally different from my family of origin.

I’m feel a bit overwhelmed and discouraged but it was probably a good wake up call to have before we sit down and talk with MIL.

Secrets - never helped anyone. Look where all of you are now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sure there is some hoarding, probably far worse than we imagine.

DH is not going to force his way in. I think our best bet is to use her mobility issues as an excuse to move her and say that we will clean out her house when she is out (without judgment).


To answer the question about money. Her house is worth about $200-250k and is paid off or very close. She has a modest pension. I don’t have an idea about other savings but I think she’s not destitute but not whatever savings she has will get blown through quickly when she needs increased care.

If the house has been hoarded, it's worse wayyyyy less than you think.

[Anonymous]

She is a hoarder. Period. Full Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're going to like, show up and nonjudgmentally tell her to pack a suitcase and leave the property? What if she says no and refuses to answer the door?

There's really no way to do this other than your DH finding his motivation. If he can't even get her to let him in the door at all, I'm skeptical this will work.

No, we are going to talk with her about how her current living situation is unsustainable and ask her what she wants to do next. Then figure out a plan- with her- for the move. Offer to pay for help pack, or pay for movers and stay away, or whatever would make her most comfortable. I think honestly the biggest hurdle is going to be figuring out the plan for what’s next that’s affordable and meets her needs. I am probably naive.

I am not trying to be mean but you sound very naive and immature. Do you think you can ‘ talk’ someone out of mental illness? That she is just going to snap out if it if you sound rational enough???

[Anonymous]

Is there a bathroom on the first floor? I'd move her bed to the first floor.

Have you had a consult with an orthopedic doc about knee replacements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 72 year old mother in law is having an increasingly hard time getting around, especially getting up and down stairs. She is of sound mind (mostly- see concern below) so DH and I know this is her decision to make, but would like to encourage her to sell her house and move.

She currently lives alone in an older 2 story house that only has a bathroom upstairs. Some days she says she can’t navigate the stairs at all and stays upstairs all day- eating food she brings up periodically.

She lives in a small city about 9 hours by car from us. When her knees are ok enough to get to her car, she can drive and she still has a lot of friends there. Although we would love to have her closer, we are pretty sure she wants to stay near her friends (which we completely support).

The one slight weirdness that gives me pause is that she refuses to allow anyone else in her house. She prefers to visit us, but on the occasions we visit her, we stay at a hotel and eat out. I can kind of see not wanting me or the kids in the house, but even when DH visits alone, he doesn’t get invited in. She wants to upgrade her internet connection but refused to allow the cable guy in. This has been going on for at least 10 years, and is not a reaction to Covid. She also hates to have things delivered and is convinced all packages will be stolen off her doorstep immediately (which they might be- some sections of her city are not great and the neighborhood might have gone downhill in the last decade).

The situation cannot continue for much longer. When she comes out for the holidays, I want to make DH and MIL think about ways to make her safer at home. They are a family that never talks about anything, so I am probably going to need to force the conversation. DH intellectually agrees but I know won’t push it.

What are the options we should present? Independent living facility? 55+ community? One story condo? DH was thinking one story house, but I think maintenance will be an issue long term and she should be someplace that accommodates a wheelchair if need be.

If she insists on staying in her current house, what should we ask for? Some sort of medical alert system? I’m concerned she won’t push it even if she’s immobilized because she won’t want anyone in her house.

It sounds like your MIL maybe a hoarder and that's why she doesn't want anyone in. Can you husband visit his mom and insist that he go in? Help her sort out her house? The problem is your mil is an adult so there isn't too much you can do as the in-law. You can present options but, you can't force someone to move and usually this happens when something happens ( ie a fall or medical emergency)

Given the dynamic between your dh and mom it doens't seem likely that you will be able to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Beyond engaging your MIL in conversation along the lines of "we are worried about you in that old house. we would be happy to help you transition to a more manageable place either here or closer to us" - what leverage does OP or her husband have?

People are making it sound like it's OP's responsibility to intervene and make this better, but this is not a child we are talking about.

Like most of us, OP will be waiting around for the other shoe to drop so she and her husband can clean up the mess (literally and figuratively). OP has no moral obligation to keep her MIL "safe." If the MIL is entrenched and not seeking help, that is her prerogative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beyond engaging your MIL in conversation along the lines of "we are worried about you in that old house. we would be happy to help you transition to a more manageable place either here or closer to us" - what leverage does OP or her husband have?

People are making it sound like it's OP's responsibility to intervene and make this better, but this is not a child we are talking about.

Like most of us, OP will be waiting around for the other shoe to drop so she and her husband can clean up the mess (literally and figuratively). OP has no moral obligation to keep her MIL "safe." If the MIL is entrenched and not seeking help, that is her prerogative.

Do you even read the entirety of the OP's original post? She literally asks what she should do, all while glossing over the obvious. So posters gave their honest advice, which she ASKED FOR.

Of course it is MIL's prerogative. But OP asked what she should do since her DH won't really do anything. I can't with people who ask for advice, then others give advice after being solicited, and then suddenly those responders are criticized. I mean, why even have DCUM at all?

[Anonymous]

I think I was reacting to the posters admonishing OP for not having "done something" yet. I'm not saying that people shouldn't give advice if OP is asking for it. I'm asking the question - beyond offering help and advice to her MIL, is there anything she can really "do"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I was reacting to the posters admonishing OP for not having "done something" yet. I'm not saying that people shouldn't give advice if OP is asking for it. I'm asking the question - beyond offering help and advice to her MIL, is there anything she can really "do"?

Call Senior Protective Services and ask for a well check.

[Anonymous]

Ideal is an assisted living near you. I would offer to get in a cleaning crew or offer to help clean it up. She probably struggles to clean and bring out the trash.