Best living situation for barely mobile 72 year old

[Anonymous]

My 72 year old mother in law is having an increasingly hard time getting around, especially getting up and down stairs. She is of sound mind (mostly- see concern below) so DH and I know this is her decision to make, but would like to encourage her to sell her house and move.

She currently lives alone in an older 2 story house that only has a bathroom upstairs. Some days she says she can’t navigate the stairs at all and stays upstairs all day- eating food she brings up periodically.

She lives in a small city about 9 hours by car from us. When her knees are ok enough to get to her car, she can drive and she still has a lot of friends there. Although we would love to have her closer, we are pretty sure she wants to stay near her friends (which we completely support).

The one slight weirdness that gives me pause is that she refuses to allow anyone else in her house. She prefers to visit us, but on the occasions we visit her, we stay at a hotel and eat out. I can kind of see not wanting me or the kids in the house, but even when DH visits alone, he doesn’t get invited in. She wants to upgrade her internet connection but refused to allow the cable guy in. This has been going on for at least 10 years, and is not a reaction to Covid. She also hates to have things delivered and is convinced all packages will be stolen off her doorstep immediately (which they might be- some sections of her city are not great and the neighborhood might have gone downhill in the last decade).

The situation cannot continue for much longer. When she comes out for the holidays, I want to make DH and MIL think about ways to make her safer at home. They are a family that never talks about anything, so I am probably going to need to force the conversation. DH intellectually agrees but I know won’t push it.

What are the options we should present? Independent living facility? 55+ community? One story condo? DH was thinking one story house, but I think maintenance will be an issue long term and she should be someplace that accommodates a wheelchair if need be.

If she insists on staying in her current house, what should we ask for? Some sort of medical alert system? I’m concerned she won’t push it even if she’s immobilized because she won’t want anyone in her house.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have a hard time getting around?

Is it possible for her to do some physical therapy to improve her mobility?

[Anonymous]

How much money does she have? Can she afford an assisted living community? Does she need knee replacements? Is she obese? Is she a hoarder?

[Anonymous]

She's a hoarder, probably hoarding trash because of her mobility issues. Just discarding things and not picking up because she physically cannot move around, and it has spiraled out of control. I am a child of hoarders. I know.

Your DH should insist on coming inside, why does he need to be invited in? The fact that she will not let service provider in is a HUGE red flag. This time it is the Internet provider, next time it could the HVAC, the plumber or electrician, meaning she could end up without heat or AC, electricity or running water. My parents let it get so bad they didn't have running water. The actress Alicia Witt's parents wouldn't let in the HVAC repair person, and they both died of hypothermia in their own home.

Your DH should tell his mother he will NOT hold any judgment, won't get upset with her, but that he is entering the house. If he has a key, I would go when he knows she isn't home. The only way to be sure is to see inside. Please help her.

[Anonymous]

OP. She has issues with her knees. She’s very obese as well. She’s had some mobility issues for at least 15 years and I don’t think it will get better long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 72 year old mother in law is having an increasingly hard time getting around, especially getting up and down stairs. She is of sound mind (mostly- see concern below) so DH and I know this is her decision to make, but would like to encourage her to sell her house and move.

She currently lives alone in an older 2 story house that only has a bathroom upstairs. Some days she says she can’t navigate the stairs at all and stays upstairs all day- eating food she brings up periodically.

She lives in a small city about 9 hours by car from us. When her knees are ok enough to get to her car, she can drive and she still has a lot of friends there. Although we would love to have her closer, we are pretty sure she wants to stay near her friends (which we completely support).

The one slight weirdness that gives me pause is that she refuses to allow anyone else in her house. She prefers to visit us, but on the occasions we visit her, we stay at a hotel and eat out. I can kind of see not wanting me or the kids in the house, but even when DH visits alone, he doesn’t get invited in. She wants to upgrade her internet connection but refused to allow the cable guy in. This has been going on for at least 10 years, and is not a reaction to Covid. She also hates to have things delivered and is convinced all packages will be stolen off her doorstep immediately (which they might be- some sections of her city are not great and the neighborhood might have gone downhill in the last decade).

The situation cannot continue for much longer. When she comes out for the holidays, I want to make DH and MIL think about ways to make her safer at home. They are a family that never talks about anything, so I am probably going to need to force the conversation. DH intellectually agrees but I know won’t push it.

What are the options we should present? Independent living facility? 55+ community? One story condo? DH was thinking one story house, but I think maintenance will be an issue long term and she should be someplace that accommodates a wheelchair if need be.

If she insists on staying in her current house, what should we ask for? Some sort of medical alert system? I’m concerned she won’t push it even if she’s immobilized because she won’t want anyone in her house.

She's a hoarder, seriously. Your DH hasn't been inside in 10 years?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are absolutely right for pressing this issue. Agree that DH must force his way into the house to assess the situation — there must be a hoarding challenge. Sounds like you’ll need to insist on some type of assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Hoarding. Or some other condition that she's trying to conceal, like a really fundamentally unsafe living situation.

Ask yourself what would happen to her in a fire.

Your DH needs to go there and if she won't let him in, he needs to look in the windows. Or you go there as a family, make some excuse to get her out of the house while he goes and looks in the windows and sees what he can see. You cannot let this go on. It's fundamentally unsafe.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is in denial. One story house, for someone who can't manage her house well enough to open the door to anyone even her son? Come on.

She needs an assisted living that can care for her as her health continues to deteriorate.

[Anonymous]

She needs to be moved to one story living of some sort. Doesn't have to be assisted, could just be an apartment building with a high median age.

You can use some sort of medical excuse for an intervention: e.g. "you need knee surgery so let's rent you an accessible apartment for while you recover from that"

The hoarding will be much worse than you can imagine.

[Anonymous]

If you really want to force this, you can make an anonymous call to adult services for a wellness check. But then where will she go? You will need to have your plans teed up either to host her for a while, or to have an apartment she can move into immediately.

I think while your DH tries to find his backbone, you can research the assisted living options in her area. See if you can figure out what her health insurance is.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I am sure there is some hoarding, probably far worse than we imagine.

DH is not going to force his way in. I think our best bet is to use her mobility issues as an excuse to move her and say that we will clean out her house when she is out (without judgment).


To answer the question about money. Her house is worth about $200-250k and is paid off or very close. She has a modest pension. I don’t have an idea about other savings but I think she’s not destitute but not whatever savings she has will get blown through quickly when she needs increased care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sure there is some hoarding, probably far worse than we imagine.

DH is not going to force his way in. I think our best bet is to use her mobility issues as an excuse to move her and say that we will clean out her house when she is out (without judgment).


To answer the question about money. Her house is worth about $200-250k and is paid off or very close. She has a modest pension. I don’t have an idea about other savings but I think she’s not destitute but not whatever savings she has will get blown through quickly when she needs increased care.

How are you going to move her if she won't let anyone in the house? Like physically how does that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sure there is some hoarding, probably far worse than we imagine.

DH is not going to force his way in. I think our best bet is to use her mobility issues as an excuse to move her and say that we will clean out her house when she is out (without judgment).


To answer the question about money. Her house is worth about $200-250k and is paid off or very close. She has a modest pension. I don’t have an idea about other savings but I think she’s not destitute but not whatever savings she has will get blown through quickly when she needs increased care.

How are you going to move her if she won't let anyone in the house? Like physically how does that happen?

OP here. I’m working on the assumption that she’ll have to allow people in at that time as long as we emphasize how nonjudgmental people will be. I know she sounds mentally unwell but she seems pretty sound and reasonable.

[Anonymous]

So you're going to like, show up and nonjudgmentally tell her to pack a suitcase and leave the property? What if she says no and refuses to answer the door?

There's really no way to do this other than your DH finding his motivation. If he can't even get her to let him in the door at all, I'm skeptical this will work.