How did you assess your spouse for compatibility?

[Anonymous]

It’s different for every couple. My sister was 23 and married my BIL after six weeks. It’s been working for decades. My cousin dated the guy for 4 years and they both went in thinking it was great, then the marriage just didn’t gel. We stand at the alter with a beautiful stranger about whom we have an incredible hunch. It’s always a risk. Look out for things like alcohol addiction and controlling behavior of course. But there’s always a crap shoot element.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spend a lot of time with them in many different situations including with family. It’s not something you can do in six months so be prepared for at least a year. You want to see how they respond to the good, the bad and the ugly.

Agree with this. There are four instances I think of when thinking about how I knew DH was going to be a great husband.

1. My dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness when DH and I had been dating for 4 months. The support DH gave me was amazing.
2. I was working in a horrible environment but was stuck there for at least another 6 months. He helped me work out how to handle it. He helped me research options if I couldn't make it the 6 months. He was just incredibly supportive
3. We went to Paris together. Both of us had been there before so we spent our time just wandering and seeing where it took us. I realized I wanted him by my side for all my adventures.

The 4th is silly but when we were dating early on, he moved into a new apartment by himself. Prior to that he'd lived with his friends. He was SO excited and proud to show me how he decorated.

We've been married for 15 years and he's a great husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spent 8 weeks bumming our way through Europe sleeping outdoors, in hostels, and on trains. Being together 24/7 in some pretty dumpy places was a pretty good test of our compatibility.

This isn't the same kind of compatibility with finances, jobs, where you want to live, how many kids and how to raise them, etc...

+100.
I had a best friend turned love interest and we did this (bummed around Europe) and it was great. After around a year or two the real issues started to surface and it became clear this person was not spouse material. I got out before marriage or kids and every day I am thankful for the marriage I have now.

[Anonymous]

I think it takes time and you can really benefit from being first off in a non romantic relationship. I was an investment banker and he was a client and we were both young but doing well. We worked terrible hours on a couple of deals but he was always cool and calm while more senior people were going nuts. That really impressed me beyond the fact that he was good looking and fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dated him for 5 years before marriage. Still together after 20 years. I didn’t have a checklist, I just liked him.

I'm always curious about ppl who date for that many years before marriage. During that time, do you stray at all, have you already agreed you're getting married after the second or third year of dating? Have you actually only been w/ each other for 20-25 years?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to date the other person long enough that you truly feel you know them and they know you in a myriad of settings/circumstances, and they are still the person you most want to be with even in the most dire circumstances.

You should also be compatible in the following ways:
- sex drive
- life goals: children, lifestyle, fitness
- ways you recreate: interests, hobbies
- like both extended families (things will inevitably come up)
- both emotionally healthy or at least completely aware of and accepting of each others' struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated him for 5 years before marriage. Still together after 20 years. I didn’t have a checklist, I just liked him.

I'm always curious about ppl who date for that many years before marriage. During that time, do you stray at all, have you already agreed you're getting married after the second or third year of dating? Have you actually only been w/ each other for 20-25 years?

I met DH our freshman year of college - I was 19 and he was 18. We figured out we might want to date a few weeks after meeting right before the year ended, talked on the phone over the summer, and really started dating sophomore year. We dated 10 years - engaged after 9. We dated that long because he was dragging his heels / didn’t think marriage was necessary unless it was time to have kids and because we both wanted to finish graduate school first. We married because I gave him an ultimatum and that was 16 years ago. We have two kids - the first was born 5 years after we married. He kissed another woman and I was getting annoyed and accepted a date over cocktails with another man but otherwise to my knowledge there hasn’t been anyone else. I’ve definitely flirted pre marriage but nothing physical.

I liked that we had the similar value of picking the same college, both wanted kids, he was very calm during my melt downs, and he’s very funny. I tried breaking up with him a few times - all short lived - and realized I missed him and wanted to tell him about my day. Also, I really liked how caring he was in those times (like asking me if I’d like a ride home when I was upset or warning me about a guy who asked me out who was a creep- though I already knew that).

He’s still funny and smart and an excellent dad. We’re not compatible on some things (preferred level of tidiness / willingness to work for that; religion) but we make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated him for 5 years before marriage. Still together after 20 years. I didn’t have a checklist, I just liked him.

I'm always curious about ppl who date for that many years before marriage. During that time, do you stray at all, have you already agreed you're getting married after the second or third year of dating? Have you actually only been w/ each other for 20-25 years?

I met DH our freshman year of college - I was 19 and he was 18. We figured out we might want to date a few weeks after meeting right before the year ended, talked on the phone over the summer, and really started dating sophomore year. We dated 10 years - engaged after 9. We dated that long because he was dragging his heels / didn’t think marriage was necessary unless it was time to have kids and because we both wanted to finish graduate school first. We married because I gave him an ultimatum and that was 16 years ago. We have two kids - the first was born 5 years after we married. He kissed another woman and I was getting annoyed and accepted a date over cocktails with another man but otherwise to my knowledge there hasn’t been anyone else. I’ve definitely flirted pre marriage but nothing physical.

I liked that we had the similar value of picking the same college, both wanted kids, he was very calm during my melt downs, and he’s very funny. I tried breaking up with him a few times - all short lived - and realized I missed him and wanted to tell him about my day. Also, I really liked how caring he was in those times (like asking me if I’d like a ride home when I was upset or warning me about a guy who asked me out who was a creep- though I already knew that).

He’s still funny and smart and an excellent dad. We’re not compatible on some things (preferred level of tidiness / willingness to work for that; religion) but we make it work.

That's lovely. Good for you guys.

I think it actually works better if you're not compatible on everything. I think you need something to argue about at times to keep it from being mundane.

[Anonymous]

It took one conversation. May you be as lucky.

-Married 15 years

[Anonymous]

All marriage and commitment involves a leap of faith even if you are certain of your compatibility. People grow, change, pleasantly surprise you and also disappoint you.

I think strong predictors of compatibility have more to do with a persons loyalty and overall ability to commit, as well their temperament, flexibility, and ability to compromise. these factors help weather the inevitable stresses in the course of a marriage or any long-term relationship.

It also helps to discuss big ticket items you picture for your future to ensure you are either on the same page or can get on one (on things like: location -one person wants to move back to be near their family LA long term, or one person is a doctor and will have to follow wherever their residency is. Whether or not you want kids, and if you do, what religion will they be raised in? Do they share your values around family?

[Anonymous]

What do you hate about yourself? Be honest. Look for a person with those qualities and try to get them to like you. If you like them back you have a winner

[Anonymous]

Brains. I'm a smarts snob.