Should adults ask for presents?

[Anonymous]

In my family, adults get gifts, but we all want things that range in price from like $20 to $200. One year my parents got me an apartment sized OXO salad spinner. I use it multiple times a week, and love it and think of them fondly each time! One year I got my mom a calendar with pictures of the breed of dog we used to have. Obviously not expensive, but it made her happy all the time.

[Anonymous]

My mother always asks for my Christmas wish list like I’m 5 and not 50. I used to refuse to provide one and said I didn’t want presents, but she always buys me a bunch of of presents anyway and if I don’t give her some guidance it’s just all useless crap. So I usually give her three or four ideas that are inexpensive and stuff I might actually use.

Your mother, OP, is bonkers, but then you knew that. Even if you bought her every item on her ridiculous list, she would probably find some thing to be unhappy about and disappointed in.

I would either
1. Buy her one thing from her list that you can afford if there is something like that
2. Buy her something truly strange, like a bizarre sculpture or lava lamp or something that would mystify her when she adds it to her post-Christmas present display
3. Get her some thing you genuinely think she would like and enjoy that is not on her list but that you want to give her. Then when she is unhappy just accept that this is how she is and you are doing your best to be a loving daughter and that is your part. She has to do her part and if she won’t there’s nothing you can do about it, so proceed with a light heart and pity for someone who spurns the loving gifts of their children.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is toxic.

I see nothing wrong with adults getting gifts but your story is way beyond that. She wants gifts but can’t give her own grandkids gifts?!? Everyone in my family is focused on getting gifts for the kids and making their holiday magical. Your mom is also pouting about her gifts.

I would back off spending holidays with such a person. Focus on your own family.

[Anonymous]

It’s completely normal in my family, OP. But then my mom, like yours, is a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s completely normal in my family, OP. But then my mom, like yours, is a narcissist.

Oh, and don’t ever confront her. Just buy her what she wants, or don’t, but don’t try to have a “sit down” with her or anything because she will just pout or cry because emotionally she is a child.

Ask me how I know.

(And for the record, my mother has given me zero gifts or cards or even phone calls for my birthday or Christmas in 30 years. But heaven forbid I don’t go all out for her.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In the same breath as asking what the grandchildren would like for Christmas, my mother sent me and my sister each separate, numbered lists of “what I want”, including the helpful instructions “just get me what is on this list, nothing more.” My list includes expensive specific art supplies more readily available near her than near me, discontinued items available only on eBay at a vast markup, etc. She tempers her demands by noting “these are the only things I need, don’t worry about getting anything else.”

There are variations of this behavior every year, but for some reason this is the first year that I’ve had enough and am mad. I haven’t asked for anything since I was 10 or 11! When I was in my 20s and making $30k/year in NYC, she would send elaborate lists that included things that could only be purchased at Bergdorfs or Saks, and when I had to get smaller or more affordable versions of things she would make sure I knew I got the wrong thing. She has always had more money than me.

Last year and the year before, I ignored the list. I got a gift basket thing of cute local consumable stuff from my city and called it a day. Later, she pouted, and told me all about the little things other people got her and that she “didn’t have enough to open.” Then she told me that her favorite thing to do was set up her gifts to look at all day on the 26th but she didn’t have enough to set up last year and it made her sad. Mind you, the rest of the year she spends downsizing and getting rid of stuff and complaining about having stuff.

It’s not like we have a cozy relationship and I don’t come from a family that showers each other in gifts. She doesn’t ask what I want or spend any time hunting down special stuff for me or my kids (I shop for them and wrap it “from Grandma”, she sends a check that is insufficient for what she’s told me to buy then) so it’s not like this a reciprocal love language for her. She has also been disappointed in me since I was a little girl and always telling me I was too greedy, too much, too loud, too homely, too uncool, etc.- the gifts have long felt like something I’m expected to do to make up for not being the daughter she wished she had.

Obviously there are layers to my situation, but my basic question is this:

Is it normal for adults to give other people their Christmas lists?

It's only normal if you ask for a list. I ask for ideas from my SIL for my niece/nephews, for example. I've also asked my parents is there anything they'd like in a year I can't think of anything. Or my DH asks me b/c he is a terrible gift giver. LOL.

But, other than that, no, I've never really heard of such things.

I would simply "drop the rope" as someone put it. You get what you want and can afford. She's going to be a pill either way, right. Then you simply ignore, ignore, ignore. When she pouts and whines and tries to make you feel bad "Ok, mom, well I gotta go. Talk to you in a few weeks." Do.Not.Indulge.Her.

[Anonymous]

I think it is completely obnoxious. My late 30s SIL still sends out a Christmas list of junk/toys she wants. She is a DINK with plenty of money while we are living frugally.
My side of the family only does real gifts for kids. Parents give adult children some cash and adult children give their parents some wine or some other nice consumable.

[Anonymous]

Sorry that your mom is a self-centered, emotionally stunted, adult-size child. Like you would with children, you have to calmly and consistently set boundaries and not allow her tantrums to manipulate you.