Should adults ask for presents?

[Anonymous]

In the same breath as asking what the grandchildren would like for Christmas, my mother sent me and my sister each separate, numbered lists of “what I want”, including the helpful instructions “just get me what is on this list, nothing more.” My list includes expensive specific art supplies more readily available near her than near me, discontinued items available only on eBay at a vast markup, etc. She tempers her demands by noting “these are the only things I need, don’t worry about getting anything else.”

There are variations of this behavior every year, but for some reason this is the first year that I’ve had enough and am mad. I haven’t asked for anything since I was 10 or 11! When I was in my 20s and making $30k/year in NYC, she would send elaborate lists that included things that could only be purchased at Bergdorfs or Saks, and when I had to get smaller or more affordable versions of things she would make sure I knew I got the wrong thing. She has always had more money than me.

Last year and the year before, I ignored the list. I got a gift basket thing of cute local consumable stuff from my city and called it a day. Later, she pouted, and told me all about the little things other people got her and that she “didn’t have enough to open.” Then she told me that her favorite thing to do was set up her gifts to look at all day on the 26th but she didn’t have enough to set up last year and it made her sad. Mind you, the rest of the year she spends downsizing and getting rid of stuff and complaining about having stuff.

It’s not like we have a cozy relationship and I don’t come from a family that showers each other in gifts. She doesn’t ask what I want or spend any time hunting down special stuff for me or my kids (I shop for them and wrap it “from Grandma”, she sends a check that is insufficient for what she’s told me to buy then) so it’s not like this a reciprocal love language for her. She has also been disappointed in me since I was a little girl and always telling me I was too greedy, too much, too loud, too homely, too uncool, etc.- the gifts have long felt like something I’m expected to do to make up for not being the daughter she wished she had.

Obviously there are layers to my situation, but my basic question is this:

Is it normal for adults to give other people their Christmas lists?

[Anonymous]

No it’s not typical. But you already know that. And despite it being unusual, it’s who your mom is. You don’t have to use the list. But she’ll be disappointed if you don’t. So the question for you is this. Do you give what she wants or do you give what you want to give her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No it’s not typical. But you already know that. And despite it being unusual, it’s who your mom is. You don’t have to use the list. But she’ll be disappointed if you don’t. So the question for you is this. Do you give what she wants or do you give what you want to give her.

Or do you give up the charade/drop the rope and get her nothing? You will disappoint her no matter what, my mother is the same, so save your money and stress and don’t get her anything. If she asks, you can say you’ve stopped giving other adults gifts since they can buy what they want themselves. Or make a donation to charity in her name and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

No - not normal. Especially from parents.

I’d skip it all this year. Just opt out. When she complains, just change the subject.

[Anonymous]

It is normal for adults to give suggestions if you ask for it. It is handy to know my mother-in-law would like new gardening gloves or a new printer.

It isn’t the list that seems crazy, it’s the entire attitude around receiving gifts that is totally off.

[Anonymous]

We do adult gifts and getting a list of wants to pick from is always handy. You can set your budget and get her something from the list.

[Anonymous]

The list is not the issue, but you know that.

[Anonymous]

I’d actually appreciate a list in the cases where adult gifts are still expected, because trying to figure out what to get for an old person who has everything and then some is really annoying to me. But your mom sounds incredibly difficult otherwise. I think adult gifts need to stop in most cases.

[Anonymous]

The list is good. The items on the list are bad.

Forward the list to your dad and ask for $ to cover it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The list is good. The items on the list are bad.

Forward the list to your dad and ask for $ to cover it.

+1

Adults do not need gifts.

[Anonymous]

In general I think adults shouldn't preemptively ask, but if someone asks what you'd like, it's nice to give them a couple of ideas. Having been the recipient of way too many sweaters I hate that someone picked up on clearance at JCPenney, I'm starting to do this more. I try to keep suggestions in the $15-40 range, even though the stuff I really want is more like $80-100, because I know my family's norms.

I think your mom sounds totally obnoxious, though. Way over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The list is good. The items on the list are bad.

Forward the list to your dad and ask for $ to cover it.

Unfortunately my dad is not alive anymore. He was alive during my low salary years and never asked for anything but also never reacted to my mom’s demands. He probably would have given me money to cover the gifts but we both would have been punished if my mom had found out!

[Anonymous]

Not normal op.

[Anonymous]

That is crazy! Especially since you haven’t gotten gifts since you were 10/11??

I would reply, Mom, stop sending me Christmas lists! I don’t buy adults gifts anymore.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, do you realize that you've asked for expensive gifts all my life, which is entitled and ridiculous, considering you've always had more money than me? I should have stopped indulging you a long time ago. This year is the year. Your spoiled child act is so revolting."

Don't give her anything. At all. Also don't expect any gifts, however small, from her. And no inheritance either.