HS Son--no friends

[Anonymous]

Have you asked him how he feels about the situation? If he’s okay with it, it’s probably fine to let him be while suggesting that he may have more fun if he engages with peers. If he expresses some interest in wanting to increase socializing then ask if he wants some suggestions. By high school, the kids really have to do this themselves with your support behind the scenes if they want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

OP, I could have written these posts myself (except I don't know what "EC" is). My 9th-grader doesn't have a single friend in HS, although he had a group of close friends pre-Covid. Then a couple moved away and the others sort of drifted their own way in HS, plus he was in completely different classes and never saw them. He eats alone every single day and from what I understand does not speak to another human all day. And no one speaks to him. He is terribly lonely, depressed, and suffers from social anxiety. He wants friends but just can't bring himself to say anything to anyone. We made him join some clubs, hoping that would help, but he just sits there alone too. I don't have any idea what to do for him.

Sadly, our HS is huge, and he had some athletic interests but most of the teams are filled with elite athletes, and he is good, but probably not quite good enough, and even a lot of the clubs are competitive. In one case, the process of trying out was so overwhelming - loud, chaotic, and competitive just to get to the front of the line to perform a skill - that he was paralyzed by anxiety over the environment and couldn't even complete the try-out.

He has a few friends that don't go to his high school, and I try to make plans with them on weekends, but as they find their own activities with their own HS friends it becomes more and more difficult. I am at a total loss.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation. DS has a lot of acquaintances, he is never alone at lunch time. Everyone I've run into at his school say nothing but nice things about him. But come weekends or term breaks, he is by himself. He doesn't seem to mind but it worries me. His birthday is coming up and I am encouraging him to invite at least a couple of kids to no avail. He is great with adults, very mature for his age.

[Anonymous]

Make him choose a sport or a club or a job or a volunteer gig or an online activity with a team.

Let him do what he likes, with like minded people.

[Anonymous]

My 14yo does have friends but rarely hangs out with friends. He does play sports. He never seems to hang out with them outside of practice. During games and matches, teammates will high five him and cheer. I believe he does have a group he sits with at lunch.

I would encourage your child to join and try out new clubs at school. I encouraged my son to join as many clubs as possible even though he would probably rather just come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

He likes seeing plays but is not into theater? I’m confused.

Film club. Journalism and ask to review all the school plays and community plays. Interview the cast/crew. Join the set design crew.

[Anonymous]

From the replies it is clear that most people have no idea what social anxiety is.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest doing cross country and track. It tends to be a very welcoming environment. Workouts will be very intense. But socially it's very low key and cool. Regardless of anything, after two months you'll be very fit. During covid, it was the first thing that opened up since it was outdoors. And there were a gazillion kids who were starved for human interaction. So it became immensely popular. I think that vibe has carried over. The meets are important of course. But the social vibe is real. And it's a very convenient sport. Meets right after school. All you need to do is run. And you get better very quickly when you're a teenager. It was a godsend for my son during the covid time. Went from dork to stud. Still competes in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

OP, I could have written these posts myself (except I don't know what "EC" is). My 9th-grader doesn't have a single friend in HS, although he had a group of close friends pre-Covid. Then a couple moved away and the others sort of drifted their own way in HS, plus he was in completely different classes and never saw them. He eats alone every single day and from what I understand does not speak to another human all day. And no one speaks to him. He is terribly lonely, depressed, and suffers from social anxiety. He wants friends but just can't bring himself to say anything to anyone. We made him join some clubs, hoping that would help, but he just sits there alone too. I don't have any idea what to do for him.

Sadly, our HS is huge, and he had some athletic interests but most of the teams are filled with elite athletes, and he is good, but probably not quite good enough, and even a lot of the clubs are competitive. In one case, the process of trying out was so overwhelming - loud, chaotic, and competitive just to get to the front of the line to perform a skill - that he was paralyzed by anxiety over the environment and couldn't even complete the try-out.

He has a few friends that don't go to his high school, and I try to make plans with them on weekends, but as they find their own activities with their own HS friends it becomes more and more difficult. I am at a total loss.

Honestly anxiety meds would probably go a long long way here.

It’s not normal to be paralyzed by anxiety to talk to people and you can’t really talk someone out of that. Most kids once medicated to reduce the anxiety are able to get therapy and social skills training to start working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest doing cross country and track. It tends to be a very welcoming environment. Workouts will be very intense. But socially it's very low key and cool. Regardless of anything, after two months you'll be very fit. During covid, it was the first thing that opened up since it was outdoors. And there were a gazillion kids who were starved for human interaction. So it became immensely popular. I think that vibe has carried over. The meets are important of course. But the social vibe is real. And it's a very convenient sport. Meets right after school. All you need to do is run. And you get better very quickly when you're a teenager. It was a godsend for my son during the covid time. Went from dork to stud. Still competes in college.

Or crew. Kids who start crew generally have no prior experience so it’s a low barrier to entry. The kids are on the quirky side so almost everyone fits in. They travel in a pack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest doing cross country and track. It tends to be a very welcoming environment. Workouts will be very intense. But socially it's very low key and cool. Regardless of anything, after two months you'll be very fit. During covid, it was the first thing that opened up since it was outdoors. And there were a gazillion kids who were starved for human interaction. So it became immensely popular. I think that vibe has carried over. The meets are important of course. But the social vibe is real. And it's a very convenient sport. Meets right after school. All you need to do is run. And you get better very quickly when you're a teenager. It was a godsend for my son during the covid time. Went from dork to stud. Still competes in college.

Or crew. Kids who start crew generally have no prior experience so it’s a low barrier to entry. The kids are on the quirky side so almost everyone fits in. They travel in a pack.

Does it cost money to join crew? It costs between 1k and 2k each year for each kid at McLean to join crew, IIRC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

OP, I could have written these posts myself (except I don't know what "EC" is). My 9th-grader doesn't have a single friend in HS, although he had a group of close friends pre-Covid. Then a couple moved away and the others sort of drifted their own way in HS, plus he was in completely different classes and never saw them. He eats alone every single day and from what I understand does not speak to another human all day. And no one speaks to him. He is terribly lonely, depressed, and suffers from social anxiety. He wants friends but just can't bring himself to say anything to anyone. We made him join some clubs, hoping that would help, but he just sits there alone too. I don't have any idea what to do for him.

Sadly, our HS is huge, and he had some athletic interests but most of the teams are filled with elite athletes, and he is good, but probably not quite good enough, and even a lot of the clubs are competitive. In one case, the process of trying out was so overwhelming - loud, chaotic, and competitive just to get to the front of the line to perform a skill - that he was paralyzed by anxiety over the environment and couldn't even complete the try-out.

He has a few friends that don't go to his high school, and I try to make plans with them on weekends, but as they find their own activities with their own HS friends it becomes more and more difficult. I am at a total loss.

Honestly anxiety meds would probably go a long long way here.

It’s not normal to be paralyzed by anxiety to talk to people and you can’t really talk someone out of that. Most kids once medicated to reduce the anxiety are able to get therapy and social skills training to start working.

But we don't know if he's actually anxious or just not interested. I wouldn't medicate a kid with anti-anxiety medications because Mom thinks he should be doing more socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make him choose a sport or a club or a job or a volunteer gig or an online activity with a team.

Let him do what he likes, with like minded people.

OP indicated ECs, extracurricular activities.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest doing cross country and track. It tends to be a very welcoming environment. Workouts will be very intense. But socially it's very low key and cool. Regardless of anything, after two months you'll be very fit. During covid, it was the first thing that opened up since it was outdoors. And there were a gazillion kids who were starved for human interaction. So it became immensely popular. I think that vibe has carried over. The meets are important of course. But the social vibe is real. And it's a very convenient sport. Meets right after school. All you need to do is run. And you get better very quickly when you're a teenager. It was a godsend for my son during the covid time. Went from dork to stud. Still competes in college.

I agree it is a welcoming environment, based on my son's experience. However, with respect to XC, the PP is not kidding when they say the workouts will be intense. My son played travel soccer and swam prior to moving over to XC, and he still found it difficult. He stuck with it, but it was a challenge. Freshman year, he said several boys he started with dropped out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest doing cross country and track. It tends to be a very welcoming environment. Workouts will be very intense. But socially it's very low key and cool. Regardless of anything, after two months you'll be very fit. During covid, it was the first thing that opened up since it was outdoors. And there were a gazillion kids who were starved for human interaction. So it became immensely popular. I think that vibe has carried over. The meets are important of course. But the social vibe is real. And it's a very convenient sport. Meets right after school. All you need to do is run. And you get better very quickly when you're a teenager. It was a godsend for my son during the covid time. Went from dork to stud. Still competes in college.

Or crew. Kids who start crew generally have no prior experience so it’s a low barrier to entry. The kids are on the quirky side so almost everyone fits in. They travel in a pack.

Does it cost money to join crew? It costs between 1k and 2k each year for each kid at McLean to join crew, IIRC.

Crew is cool, but it's a huge commitment and not something you throw someone into just to make friends.