HS Son--no friends

[Anonymous]

NP. I had no friends in HS and hated it. I was so happy when I got a car and could drive home for lunch. Miserable trying to eat lunch alone day after day. Though my mom had no idea. That said, not sure what she could have done. I just didn't know how to make friends.

[Anonymous]

I would try to find some way he could enjoy his niche interests around others - a club or organization- even if it was mixed age. Or online. There is nothing wrong with not needing a big social circle. But kids who are not that social tend to lack social skills, and so they have trouble making new friends. You do not need to find your son a best friend, but you might want to push a bit to make sure he is doing something that involves social interaction. But make it an activity he would enjoy / have things to talk about.

[Anonymous]

OP, what are his niche interests?

[Anonymous]

OP- my DS is a senior and just like your son. Seems to have acquaintances at school but never hangs out with anyone outside of school. He has a job (seems to get along with all co workers) and plays a club sport (gets along with teammates)- but again does not hang out with anyone outside of the job or sport. I felt bad for a really long time- but then talked to
Him. He is an introvert and not really into the social scene- and he told me that he is really happy this way. I am an extrovert…so worried that this all made him feel bad because it would have made me feel bad. I had to realize that i needed to think more like him than myself and accepted that he was really happy the way things were. Maybe talk to your son and find out how he is feeling. It may help you understand the situation from his point of view.

[Anonymous]

Pp again- also my DS either eats lunch alone (by choice) or eats with his teachers- he seems to relate well to adults more than teens!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read Meagan Leah’s article in Post on this issue- I needed to hear her advice for my son who is in about the same situation. It’s been challenging finding ways for DS to engage with others.

Could you post a link to the article?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am torn because I think he liked having friends but doesn't know how to make new ones so he just doesn't do the work and kids lose interest . But how does one help? It isn't like I can set up play dates. I just want him to have social plans. Or someone to hang with in the time between classes at school. He's into performing arts but not theater. He likes seeing plays; movies etc

He likes seeing plays but is not into theater? I’m confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let him be. This is his issue to solve or not as he chooses. By HS they are old enough to make changes they want to make.

No she doesn’t need to let him be. Not if he’s unhappy with no friends. I understand how tough that is for a mother. My son had difficulties starting in 8th grade. To make it worse his sister was one of the most popular girls at school.

My son was agreeable to my involvement. He had cousins he was close with and they had great times through middle school when they all went in different directions. In high school I signed him up for activities so he wouldn’t be so isolated. 9th grade was the worst because we moved and he found it difficult to fit in. My husband and I brought him to the movies with us, to plays and then out to eat. He went to games and performances of family members. Not ideal but anything to keep him from being isolated and dwelling on it.

At 16 he started to have long term girl friends and that helped. But I never just let him be. I did not want him to find the dark web or whatever kids due when they are isolated.

[Anonymous]

I thought this article was helpful for understanding that being introverted does not mean that you don’t want social interaction. It makes the point that everyone benefits from socializing, but introverts socialize in a different way than extroverts.

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/13/well/family/introverts-friendship.html?unlocked_article_code=1.80w.h66u.MGOJzyFvd8-C&smid=url-share

[Anonymous]

Help him find a hobby that will expose him to people with similar interests. Plan things the family can do in the weekend to fill up his time. Have him volunteer somewhere.

My DC has social anxiety so making friends is hard. We did these things and DC made two friends. They don't hang out in person much so we fill weekends with family outings and DC volunteers. DC is happy and that's what matters most

[Anonymous]

Leave him alone. You can’t force him to be social in high school. If he seems content and not depressed there is no need to intervene. I’m a big time introvert and my extrovert mother still doesn’t understand this. I am perfectly happy in my life and see people at work. I’ve posted this before, but even at work I choose to eat alone because I NEED that time to decompress. The idea of getting y together with anyone socially outside of work sounds exhausting.

One of my kids is like this, although he likes to game. My husband frequently mentions how he doesn’t have friends. He’s past the age where they play outside in the neighborhood. The difference is that my son does talk to his gaming friends online but rarely wants to see anyone socially in person.

He will be fine too. He will see people at work and go out socially if he wants, which won’t be often.

[Anonymous]

^adding, and your son is involved in an EC with people so I would not be concerned at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let him be. This is his issue to solve or not as he chooses. By HS they are old enough to make changes they want to make.

No she doesn’t need to let him be. Not if he’s unhappy with no friends. I understand how tough that is for a mother. My son had difficulties starting in 8th grade. To make it worse his sister was one of the most popular girls at school.

My son was agreeable to my involvement. He had cousins he was close with and they had great times through middle school when they all went in different directions. In high school I signed him up for activities so he wouldn’t be so isolated. 9th grade was the worst because we moved and he found it difficult to fit in. My husband and I brought him to the movies with us, to plays and then out to eat. He went to games and performances of family members. Not ideal but anything to keep him from being isolated and dwelling on it.

At 16 he started to have long term girl friends and that helped. But I never just let him be. I did not want him to find the dark web or whatever kids due when they are isolated.

np Yes, but, it is very difficult to have the mom help out socially. Kids aren't as kind. If son is motivated he will find a way. The only thing she can do is encourage..have him develop interests like playing pickleball for example

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. The ship had already sailed. You should have made him learn a useful skill in ES and MS so that by the time he gets to HS, other kids will gravitate to him. He then has a choice to decide who he wants to be friends and hang out with. It is always good to have "options".

[Anonymous]

OP, my HS son doesn't have friends either. He has friendly acquaintances to eat lunch with, that is about it. He never gets together with friends on a weekend. He is involved in a school sport, and has no problems with teammates, but no close friends either.

I don't have any great solution to offer, other than to keep trying ECs and hope that something sticks. It stinks - I was relatively unpopular in high school, but had a group of 3-4 other unpopular girls whose friendship helped me get through it. I cannot imagine what it is like for my son not to have something similar.