Mom trouble driving? What to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

x10000000

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a hard, hard piece of independence to give up. With my dad we appealed to his financial sense that an accident could wipe out his assets as well as his emotional sense as he’s in an area with lots of children and he was aware that his reflexes were the issue. Injuring a child would have destroyed. He’s now gone and we’re at a similar point with my mom. Again we’ve gone the finances route and reminded her that a lawsuit could take all she has (she knows she needs her house as it’s her only large asset) We’ve also explained that not paying car expenses and insurance frees up substantial money for Uber fare so she’s not breaking her bank (she says fares are too $$) Grocery delivery has been a physical gift because she can put items away just fine but the mechanics of shopping are tough. We’ve also relied heavily on her neighbor and local niece to help with errands and they’ve been amazing

A lawsuit, or a lien on the elderly parent's house could be financially devastating. Better to pay for Uber, or a service - there are many options!

[Anonymous]

Also, there’s a concept in dementia caregiving called therapeutic fibbing. It’s basically lying to get someone needed care or to ensure that they’re safe. But 100%, people do this all the time to keep their parents and all bystanders safe.

Ways my support group has done so:

Remove the spark plugs or otherwise disable the car
Hide the keys
Call the insurer and take them off their insurance
Ask the doctor to tell them to stop
Have the doctor prescribe “stopping driving”
Flagging for dmv to have their license suspended, and telling them that if they can schedule an appointment, take a written test, or take a driving test and pass on their own they can continue to drive
Lie that the dmv will require periodic re testing to issue licenses past a certain age, and the testing isn’t for 6 months (by which time people forget they were driving)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, there’s a concept in dementia caregiving called therapeutic fibbing. It’s basically lying to get someone needed care or to ensure that they’re safe. But 100%, people do this all the time to keep their parents and all bystanders safe.

Ways my support group has done so:

Remove the spark plugs or otherwise disable the car
Hide the keys
Call the insurer and take them off their insurance
Ask the doctor to tell them to stop
Have the doctor prescribe “stopping driving”
Flagging for dmv to have their license suspended, and telling them that if they can schedule an appointment, take a written test, or take a driving test and pass on their own they can continue to drive
Lie that the dmv will require periodic re testing to issue licenses past a certain age, and the testing isn’t for 6 months (by which time people forget they were driving)

What insurance companies allow third parties to call up and cancel someone else's insurance policy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, there’s a concept in dementia caregiving called therapeutic fibbing. It’s basically lying to get someone needed care or to ensure that they’re safe. But 100%, people do this all the time to keep their parents and all bystanders safe.

Ways my support group has done so:

Remove the spark plugs or otherwise disable the car
Hide the keys
Call the insurer and take them off their insurance
Ask the doctor to tell them to stop
Have the doctor prescribe “stopping driving”
Flagging for dmv to have their license suspended, and telling them that if they can schedule an appointment, take a written test, or take a driving test and pass on their own they can continue to drive
Lie that the dmv will require periodic re testing to issue licenses past a certain age, and the testing isn’t for 6 months (by which time people forget they were driving)

What insurance companies allow third parties to call up and cancel someone else's insurance policy?

Well, lots of folks share power of attorney with their parents. But yes, obviously , you’d either need to be on their account as a spouse or something similar. I’m just trying to give suggestions for a really shitty challenging situation where people are doing their best. And frequently older folks will respond to “authority” in a way that they won’t give deference to family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, there’s a concept in dementia caregiving called therapeutic fibbing. It’s basically lying to get someone needed care or to ensure that they’re safe. But 100%, people do this all the time to keep their parents and all bystanders safe.

Ways my support group has done so:

Remove the spark plugs or otherwise disable the car
Hide the keys
Call the insurer and take them off their insurance
Ask the doctor to tell them to stop
Have the doctor prescribe “stopping driving”
Flagging for dmv to have their license suspended, and telling them that if they can schedule an appointment, take a written test, or take a driving test and pass on their own they can continue to drive
Lie that the dmv will require periodic re testing to issue licenses past a certain age, and the testing isn’t for 6 months (by which time people forget they were driving)

+1

They know they hit someone/something, but they keep going (hit and run) and/or deny it, so that they can keep driving. Unbelievably dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

Tell us about this car sabotage!

I'm not PP, but-
Disconnect the battery

Unplug spark plugs

Remove fuses

Disconnect computer (not sure how, likely a fuse)

Oh, I thought it would be something super clever. My elderly dad would figure these out in a heartbeat! Lol

Most elderly people who are at the point that they cannot drive, will not figure these out. That's why they typically work. If your dad can reconnect cables, fuses and the car's computer, he probably isn't very impaired.