Mom trouble driving? What to do?

[Anonymous]

I think my mid-70s mom may have sideswiped a car/property and I don’t know what to do.

She has an older car, no backup camera. This isn’t the first time she’s sideswiped something. A few years ago I noticed a giant scrape on her car. Initially she claimed she didn’t know what happened, but then suddenly “remembered” that maybe she hit a pole at the drive-thru at the bank. She had neck surgery years ago and a fusion, so it’s hard for her to turn so she mainly uses mirrors to see behind her.

This most recent event, apparently my dad noticed a long scrape along the whole driver’s side, and swirly buff marks, like someone tried to fix it. At first she said she hadn’t seen it until then, but said it “had” to have happened in a parking lot, by a cart, and that whoever hit her car must have tried to buff it out themselves. In the parking lot. My dad (much older, 80s, doesn’t drive) said he noticed a Brillo pad and toothpaste near the car and thinks my mom tried to hide evidence of the scrapes herself, then just didn’t tell anyone it happened when she made it worse, and then played stupid when he pointed it out.

I’m just here hoping she didn’t side swipe someone’s car and just take off! I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to outright accuse her, because I have no idea what really happened. But also, it’s clear she isn’t safely backing up her vehicle anymore.

[Anonymous]

If she can't turn her head because of her neck, she should not be driving. I'd have a CTJ talk with her and your dad, like a driving intervention. If she's hit-and-running, that is a pretty serious crime and she could get in a lot of trouble.

I know someone who had to have a doctor intervene, I cant remember exactly what happened but basically they had to have the parent do a driving test to keep their license. They failed, and were not able to renew the license so they sold the car.

Do keep in mind they will be more reliant, so you'll want to prepare for that too. Groceries, prescriptions, hobbies/errands will all need more assistance.

[Anonymous]

When my FIL did that, it was the end of driving. The neighbors contacted one of his sons, and they took away the keys. End of story.

[Anonymous]

She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

[Anonymous]

My 81yo dad stopped driving last year after 2 accidents where only his car was damaged. He lives alone in a SFH in a non-walkable area and the transition was/is really hard. My brother and I made (and continue to make) a huge deal about how responsible it was to do the right thing, even though it sucks.

I am incredibly grateful that he made the decision on his own and that I didn’t have to do it. I’ve helped him navigate Uber and community transport resources for the elderly, instacart and amazon for orders, and stuff like that. It is a major lifestyle adjustment, but in the vast majority of cases, it can be done.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When my FIL did that, it was the end of driving. The neighbors contacted one of his sons, and they took away the keys. End of story.

How did they get around after that? Real question because I know we will be in your shoes soon. I am trying to get my parents used to the idea of just calling a taxi if they need someone to take them to a doctors appointment, but they resist resist resist. Uber is way beyond them.

[Anonymous]

My mom moved to using taxis when we hit this point many decades ago. But now cars have all sorts of safety features and cameras and warning systems. I’d be getting a new vehicle if possible with all of those safety features.

[Anonymous]

I would ask her in a matter of fact way what happened to the car. I'd give her a chance to let you know and open the door to a discussion of giving up keys. Occasionally they give them up willingly.

I assume your dad has been in the car with her? How does he say her driving is?

See if she is willing to do the DMV's voluntary driving test before she drives again.

I think it's always nice to try the friendly collaborative approach. We had to get Drs. involved, take keys and car car dealerships to make sure she didn't buy before we reported her to the DMV. Not fun, but probably saved a life.

I have a Dr. who was seriously injured by an elder driver and my child has a classmate hit at a crosswalk by an elder driver. In both cases, elder was at fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When my FIL did that, it was the end of driving. The neighbors contacted one of his sons, and they took away the keys. End of story.

How did they get around after that? Real question because I know we will be in your shoes soon. I am trying to get my parents used to the idea of just calling a taxi if they need someone to take them to a doctors appointment, but they resist resist resist. Uber is way beyond them.

FIL lived in an exurb, so it definitely curtailed his exposure to new environments and people, and ultimately perhaps led to a more rapid decline. But the alternative was unacceptable, and his neighbors made that very clear: he'd scraped up his neighbors' cars on two occasions, in a community with lots of little kids walking about.

Since MIL never drove, they called taxis to get to appointments and social events, and when their sons were free, got driven about by one of them. They could afford it, but psychologically, it did make a difference to how they thought about transport. They had mixed feelings about it: on one hand, they were both relieved that FIL would get into an accident. On the other, there was a psychological barrier to arranging for a taxi every time they wanted to go far, and especially calling a taxi to return home from a random place, because of using a cell phone, or asking to use the location's landline, getting the address correct when requesting the taxi, all kinds of executive functioning issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom moved to using taxis when we hit this point many decades ago. But now cars have all sorts of safety features and cameras and warning systems. I’d be getting a new vehicle if possible with all of those safety features.

s they can't
The problem is that they cannot learn all the new features.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

Tell us about this car sabotage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

Tell us about this car sabotage!

I'm not PP, but-
Disconnect the battery

Unplug spark plugs

Remove fuses

Disconnect computer (not sure how, likely a fuse)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

Tell us about this car sabotage!

I'm not PP, but-
Disconnect the battery

Unplug spark plugs

Remove fuses

Disconnect computer (not sure how, likely a fuse)

Oh, I thought it would be something super clever. My elderly dad would figure these out in a heartbeat! Lol