Mom trouble driving? What to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

Tell us about this car sabotage!

I'm not PP, but-
Disconnect the battery

Unplug spark plugs

Remove fuses

Disconnect computer (not sure how, likely a fuse)

Oh, I thought it would be something super clever. My elderly dad would figure these out in a heartbeat! Lol

Mine, too – and if he was unable to fix it on his own, he’d get the car towed to get it fixed. I don’t know how this fixes a longer term issue for someone who isn’t addled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

Tell us about this car sabotage!

I'm not PP, but-
Disconnect the battery

Unplug spark plugs

Remove fuses

Disconnect computer (not sure how, likely a fuse)

Oh, I thought it would be something super clever. My elderly dad would figure these out in a heartbeat! Lol

Mine, too – and if he was unable to fix it on his own, he’d get the car towed to get it fixed. I don’t know how this fixes a longer term issue for someone who isn’t addled.

Right! My dad can’t drive but he’s sharp as a tack and likes to tinker. For hours. Or days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she can't turn her head because of her neck, she should not be driving. I'd have a CTJ talk with her and your dad, like a driving intervention. If she's hit-and-running, that is a pretty serious crime and she could get in a lot of trouble.

I know someone who had to have a doctor intervene, I cant remember exactly what happened but basically they had to have the parent do a driving test to keep their license. They failed, and were not able to renew the license so they sold the car.

Do keep in mind they will be more reliant, so you'll want to prepare for that too. Groceries, prescriptions, hobbies/errands will all need more assistance.

This

[Anonymous]

I’m dealing with this with my mother who is 89. She is mentally very sharp but physically she is struggling and was recently in a minor car accident where she was at fault but of course she denies it. She lives alone and I’m trying to encourage her to have some kind of daily aid which would include someone who could drive her around. I’m willing to pay for it but she is resisting.

[Anonymous]

It’s a hard, hard piece of independence to give up. With my dad we appealed to his financial sense that an accident could wipe out his assets as well as his emotional sense as he’s in an area with lots of children and he was aware that his reflexes were the issue. Injuring a child would have destroyed. He’s now gone and we’re at a similar point with my mom. Again we’ve gone the finances route and reminded her that a lawsuit could take all she has (she knows she needs her house as it’s her only large asset) We’ve also explained that not paying car expenses and insurance frees up substantial money for Uber fare so she’s not breaking her bank (she says fares are too $$) Grocery delivery has been a physical gift because she can put items away just fine but the mechanics of shopping are tough. We’ve also relied heavily on her neighbor and local niece to help with errands and they’ve been amazing

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the individual. As PP’s have suggested she might do OK with a smaller car that has cameras, and possibly one of the larger “panoramic” rear view mirrors. The various parking aids that vibrate when you’re close also spring to mind. There are companies that adapt vehicles for disabled people. It might be worth consulting one. There are driver improvement classes for older people to help them understand their limitations.

If adaptation won’t work, or she can’t afford a different vehicle and no one will help her, she may need to switch to having somebody drive her. It’s not cheap but neither is vehicle ownership and maintenance. In the case of one of my friends, the elderly person’s car finally broke down permanently. That person switched to being driven around by their children for the most part, and seemed to like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes moms keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Because if OP is not entirely heartless like you, she will feel obligated to help out her no doubt very confused mother in her time of need. And if her mother is impecunious, she might think the outcome will be better if she pays a good lawyer than relying on a public defender. It will mean a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt over what she could have forced her mother to do to prevent such an tragedy.

Again, for the normies. Not you, who would likely say: "Oh you killed someone? Good luck with that."

And stop with the legality of taking away car keys. Adult children have been doing that to seniors since car keys were invented. There's also the car sabotage that works very well with elders who have no clue how to get it running again. Don't pretend to be all morally outraged by this. This is what people ACTUALLY DO.

Tell us about this car sabotage!

I'm not PP, but-
Disconnect the battery

Unplug spark plugs

Remove fuses

Disconnect computer (not sure how, likely a fuse)

Oh, I thought it would be something super clever. My elderly dad would figure these out in a heartbeat! Lol

Mine wouldn't be able to figure it out but he'd literally just jump in a taxi and head to the nearest car dealership and buy a new car on the spot.
I was asking these same questions a year or two ago. People would say "just take the keys, even if your dad gets mad at you."
They don't understand-I don't care if my dad "gets mad at me"--it's not about that. It's that I would literally have to physically wrestle him to the ground and try to pry the keys out of his hand. My dad would not hesitate to call the police and have me arrested for assault and theft--and the police would HAVE to oblige because LEGALLY my dad was of sound mind and that was HIS property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She's going to kill someone, OP. Do you want that on your conscience?

Because it's not your mother's death that's the problem here. It's not car damage that's the problem. The problem is when your mother kills someone younger with a future, it's on the news, you're up to your neck in legal fees and processes, and people don't talk to you anymore.

How would any of this be OPs problem? If it happens tomorrow, how is this OPs problem? There are processes. People have rights until they are taken away legally. OP can be arrested if she takes mom’s keys and doesn’t give them back. How would OP have “legal fees”? I agree with your ultimate sentiment, but this is all crazy talk.

Your mindset reminds me of the gun nuts.

Sorry if your children are being mowed down by guns, I gave the right to own an automatic weapon.

[Anonymous]

Her doctor can contact the MVA. It is like a red flag law for drivers.

There are also
Professionals I believe, who can assess whether it is safe for your mother to drive,

See what resources are available through the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety and the AARP.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has a “friend” who drives her around. This is a retired woman we pay. They go on errands and out to eat etc…

She lives in a pretty rural area so it is a challenge.

Suggestions depending on where they live:
NeighborForce
Church/synagogue/religious organizations
Some communities have aging in place services. This is very situationally dependent.

It’s hard! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Would you want to be a driver near your mom? It is time for her to stop driving. It's too much of a risk to others.

[Anonymous]

You need to have an honest conversation with her. Its not about catching her damaging the car!! Its about her inability to drive safely anymore. No more driving. Period. Get her an uber account and show her how to use it. Set up an account with the local taxi service.

[Anonymous]

The DMV has a method for reporting and you can see if the local police have ideas. My aunt users uber well to get around.

[Anonymous]

OP, first, I'm so sorry. This can be a really tough juncture in aging, especially when elderly parents do not live near good public transit.

Second, DH's dad was doing this. MiL didn't want to take away his license for a variety of reasons, including that she didn't want to have to drive him around. I finally told DH that I would support a lot with his parents in the coming years, but I would not do so financially if his parents' net worth was wiped out because of his dad's driving. That didn't mean the keys were pulled the next day, but they were sometime after.

Third, while my primary concern was the health and well-being of pedestrians and other drivers, I knew the money angle would motivate DH and his sibling, so I started with that.

[Anonymous]

Sad that your husband values money over innocent victims. Yikes! 😳