Convincing our church we want to stay at arm's length

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

If you take without giving, what value does having you there bring? You're a drain on their community rather than an addition.

Like others have said, that nice service you enjoy? Volunteers. Those Ushers helping you to your seats and keeping you comfortable? Volunteers. The people who clean up after the service and pick up the lovely flowers the make the church beautiful? Volunteers. The people doing readings, singing songs, and making you feel good? Volunteers.

And you come and you enjoy and you add nothing. It's honestly not cool. Your church community is reaching out to you, and you want to reject them while also enjoying the fruit of their unpaid labor.

I'm struggling with severe depression. I'm a drain on everyone, I know. But I can barely leave the house on Sunday mornings, and getting dressed for anything else is not possible more days. I was hoping things would change, but I haven't gotten better enough yet.

I guess we will leave.

Why not see a doctor to address your depression? Things aren't going to change by doing nothing. And I do hope you get the help. It is not a moral failing! Please get the help you need. You are worthy and deserve happiness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

If you take without giving, what value does having you there bring? You're a drain on their community rather than an addition.

Like others have said, that nice service you enjoy? Volunteers. Those Ushers helping you to your seats and keeping you comfortable? Volunteers. The people who clean up after the service and pick up the lovely flowers the make the church beautiful? Volunteers. The people doing readings, singing songs, and making you feel good? Volunteers.

And you come and you enjoy and you add nothing. It's honestly not cool. Your church community is reaching out to you, and you want to reject them while also enjoying the fruit of their unpaid labor.

I'm struggling with severe depression. I'm a drain on everyone, I know. But I can barely leave the house on Sunday mornings, and getting dressed for anything else is not possible more days. I was hoping things would change, but I haven't gotten better enough yet.

I guess we will leave.

Why not see a doctor to address your depression? Things aren't going to change by doing nothing. And I do hope you get the help. It is not a moral failing! Please get the help you need. You are worthy and deserve happiness

op definitely needs professional therapy.
They say they love worshiping at their church, but then admit they are depressed and that their church “doesn’t want them.”

go get help op. You can’t get out of bed or get dressed most days, that’s really serious. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, this is why I don’t go to church. The sanctimony of many of these posters…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is why I don’t go to church. The sanctimony of many of these posters…

Way to misread the post. Try again

[Anonymous]

OP are you the poster who is getting rid of her fish tank?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

If you take without giving, what value does having you there bring? You're a drain on their community rather than an addition.

Like others have said, that nice service you enjoy? Volunteers. Those Ushers helping you to your seats and keeping you comfortable? Volunteers. The people who clean up after the service and pick up the lovely flowers the make the church beautiful? Volunteers. The people doing readings, singing songs, and making you feel good? Volunteers.

And you come and you enjoy and you add nothing. It's honestly not cool. Your church community is reaching out to you, and you want to reject them while also enjoying the fruit of their unpaid labor.

I'm struggling with severe depression. I'm a drain on everyone, I know. But I can barely leave the house on Sunday mornings, and getting dressed for anything else is not possible more days. I was hoping things would change, but I haven't gotten better enough yet.

I guess we will leave.

Why not see a doctor to address your depression? Things aren't going to change by doing nothing. And I do hope you get the help. It is not a moral failing! Please get the help you need. You are worthy and deserve happiness

op definitely needs professional therapy.
They say they love worshiping at their church, but then admit they are depressed and that their church “doesn’t want them.”

go get help op. You can’t get out of bed or get dressed most days, that’s really serious. Good luck.

+1. OPs follow ups indicate a personality disorder or mental illness. They need more than church.

I have visited and attended many churches over the years. At most (not all) it is considered to be in poor form to be a passive “taker” forever unless you are in a personal crisis situation. Agreed OP probably will have the best luck flying under the radar at a Catholic Church, but even then it depends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is why I don’t go to church. The sanctimony of many of these posters…

Way to misread the post. Try again

No, I’m reading it right. You are so deep in it you don’t even see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you the poster who is getting rid of her fish tank?

Jesus is a fish, so church was the first tank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is why I don’t go to church. The sanctimony of many of these posters…

Way to misread the post. Try again

No, I’m reading it right. You are so deep in it you don’t even see it.

You are in so derp you don't even see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Wow, you haven't been paying attention in Church at all. Freeloading is the entire reason for Christianity. It's what the word "Christ" means -- savior. Serving is Christlike, but freeloading is completely acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can just keep saying "no."

But you understand a church is a community, right? It isn't a building that has a nice, spiritual and musical event on Sunday mornings. It isn't a group that has nice classes for kids on Sunday mornings. It is a Christian community. And members of a community should remember to give the three "T's" ... time, talent, treasure. My church (a traditional denomination that is politically liberal one fwiw) expects members to give all three of these things. If you are just attending (going to church and sending kids to Sunday School) and giving money, you are missing 2/3 things that are absolutely expected of you.

That said, I'd say a good 1/4 or more of members don't give time/talent. That can be a real problem though -- for example, that nice service? It literally won't happen without ushers, who are volunteers. That Sunday School your kids are enjoying? Same thing.

Totally agree with this.
I don’t have the bandwidth or take on leadership roles but I usher once a month, my kid is an acolytes once a month and we help out with the food pantry at our church as well.
Church is more than just sitting in a pew on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can just keep saying "no."

But you understand a church is a community, right? It isn't a building that has a nice, spiritual and musical event on Sunday mornings. It isn't a group that has nice classes for kids on Sunday mornings. It is a Christian community. And members of a community should remember to give the three "T's" ... time, talent, treasure. My church (a traditional denomination that is politically liberal one fwiw) expects members to give all three of these things. If you are just attending (going to church and sending kids to Sunday School) and giving money, you are missing 2/3 things that are absolutely expected of you.

That said, I'd say a good 1/4 or more of members don't give time/talent. That can be a real problem though -- for example, that nice service? It literally won't happen without ushers, who are volunteers. That Sunday School your kids are enjoying? Same thing.

Some people are shepherds, and some are the flock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Switch to the Catholic Church. I went to one for years and no one wanted anything but obedience and money. I was surprised when I went to the Episcopal Church at the number of ways I was almost immediately invited to get involved, volunteer, lead, etc.

I was a Lutheran who moved to a Catholic Church. It's a lot better. I thought the Lutherans had a lot of make work stuff that didn't matter that much. One example is making sandwiches for a homeless shelter. That's fine, but I think writing a check to the shelter (which had its own kitchen where meals were prepared everyday!) or just buying premade wrapped sandwiches from a grocery store is much more useful than spending a Sunday afternoon making stale white bread sandwiches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to someone directly - the pastor, or the head of the nominating board. Tell them you have things going on in your life that prevent you from taking on extra responsibilities, but the Sunday worship is really valuable to you & your families mental & spiritual health. In that situation, ask them, is there a place for our family here?
I mean, in not so many words, ask them if you need to leave the church & go elsewhere to have that level of involvement. I think most church leaders would say no, you are welcome & would make a note to stop asking you directly to volunteer or chair x,y,z.

I do think this is good advice, but I'm not sure it solve's OP's issue. A church is not the leadership -- it's the community. I try to recruit people to help out with things all the time and I would have no idea that someone had had this conversation with our priest.

Do you need someone to volunteer to teach your community how to use Microsoft 365 or Google Workspace to share spreadsheets? Or use Salesforce CRM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch to the Catholic Church. I went to one for years and no one wanted anything but obedience and money. I was surprised when I went to the Episcopal Church at the number of ways I was almost immediately invited to get involved, volunteer, lead, etc.

I was a Lutheran who moved to a Catholic Church. It's a lot better. I thought the Lutherans had a lot of make work stuff that didn't matter that much. One example is making sandwiches for a homeless shelter. That's fine, but I think writing a check to the shelter (which had its own kitchen where meals were prepared everyday!) or just buying premade wrapped sandwiches from a grocery store is much more useful than spending a Sunday afternoon making stale white bread sandwiches.

^ I'm the PP and realized this sounds so cynical lol. I'm not against all volunteering BTW, just where it makes sense and has a real impact.