Convincing our church we want to stay at arm's length

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to someone directly - the pastor, or the head of the nominating board. Tell them you have things going on in your life that prevent you from taking on extra responsibilities, but the Sunday worship is really valuable to you & your families mental & spiritual health. In that situation, ask them, is there a place for our family here?
I mean, in not so many words, ask them if you need to leave the church & go elsewhere to have that level of involvement. I think most church leaders would say no, you are welcome & would make a note to stop asking you directly to volunteer or chair x,y,z.

I do think this is good advice, but I'm not sure it solve's OP's issue. A church is not the leadership -- it's the community. I try to recruit people to help out with things all the time and I would have no idea that someone had had this conversation with our priest.

Do you ask repeatedly if someone has said no, though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to someone directly - the pastor, or the head of the nominating board. Tell them you have things going on in your life that prevent you from taking on extra responsibilities, but the Sunday worship is really valuable to you & your families mental & spiritual health. In that situation, ask them, is there a place for our family here?
I mean, in not so many words, ask them if you need to leave the church & go elsewhere to have that level of involvement. I think most church leaders would say no, you are welcome & would make a note to stop asking you directly to volunteer or chair x,y,z.

I do think this is good advice, but I'm not sure it solve's OP's issue. A church is not the leadership -- it's the community. I try to recruit people to help out with things all the time and I would have no idea that someone had had this conversation with our priest.

Do you ask repeatedly if someone has said no, though?

Of course not. But that doesn't mean that someone else doesn't ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

You realize this is a two-way street right? Why would they want you, when you have made it clear you don't want them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

If you take without giving, what value does having you there bring? You're a drain on their community rather than an addition.

Like others have said, that nice service you enjoy? Volunteers. Those Ushers helping you to your seats and keeping you comfortable? Volunteers. The people who clean up after the service and pick up the lovely flowers the make the church beautiful? Volunteers. The people doing readings, singing songs, and making you feel good? Volunteers.

And you come and you enjoy and you add nothing. It's honestly not cool. Your church community is reaching out to you, and you want to reject them while also enjoying the fruit of their unpaid labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

If you take without giving, what value does having you there bring? You're a drain on their community rather than an addition.

Like others have said, that nice service you enjoy? Volunteers. Those Ushers helping you to your seats and keeping you comfortable? Volunteers. The people who clean up after the service and pick up the lovely flowers the make the church beautiful? Volunteers. The people doing readings, singing songs, and making you feel good? Volunteers.

And you come and you enjoy and you add nothing. It's honestly not cool. Your church community is reaching out to you, and you want to reject them while also enjoying the fruit of their unpaid labor.

+1000

And even beyond this, it's like OP doesn't even understand what a church actually is. It's not a pretty Sunday show, with a great kid's activity after/before. It's a community of believers that work together to be Christ's hand in the world.

[Anonymous]

While I agree that it's not OK to be "taker" and not a giver forever, it is OK if that's what you need in the short term. I got completely burned out on church volunteering and had a lot going on personally, so I told our pastor that I was taking a year to just be in the pews and reconnect with God. I still got asked to do things occasionally, but I politely declined. OP if you need what church gives, please continue to come and worship. I would encourage you to think about how you can give back in the longer run.

[Anonymous]

Oh man, way to build your community…we only want you if you have something to offer.
Very transactional.

Church should be welcome to all. Some people have bandwidth to volunteer, donate money, etc. And some need charity, a helping hand, or just a time & place to connect with God. Seriously, I wouldn’t go to your church either, you are awful. And I’m speaking as someone who volunteers a lot & teaches Sun school, that’s a calling I have - bug if never shame someone for not being able to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Our church had a rule not to ask newcomers to help out for the first year. Let them get settled in and see where they might be interested in participating more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, way to build your community…we only want you if you have something to offer.
Very transactional.

Church should be welcome to all. Some people have bandwidth to volunteer, donate money, etc. And some need charity, a helping hand, or just a time & place to connect with God. Seriously, I wouldn’t go to your church either, you are awful. And I’m speaking as someone who volunteers a lot & teaches Sun school, that’s a calling I have - bug if never shame someone for not being able to contribute.

Is it not transactional to show up weekly to a service put on by volunteers but wanting to never be asked to help?

Church isn't entertainment.

It takes the help of a lot of people to make the community great. It's wrong to to sit around taking from others and offering no help in return.

Not having the bandwidth for a period of time is one thing. Expecting to be welcome in a community while also saying you want to "stay at arms length" when it comes to helping is a very different thing altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

If you take without giving, what value does having you there bring? You're a drain on their community rather than an addition.

Like others have said, that nice service you enjoy? Volunteers. Those Ushers helping you to your seats and keeping you comfortable? Volunteers. The people who clean up after the service and pick up the lovely flowers the make the church beautiful? Volunteers. The people doing readings, singing songs, and making you feel good? Volunteers.

And you come and you enjoy and you add nothing. It's honestly not cool. Your church community is reaching out to you, and you want to reject them while also enjoying the fruit of their unpaid labor.

I'm struggling with severe depression. I'm a drain on everyone, I know. But I can barely leave the house on Sunday mornings, and getting dressed for anything else is not possible more days. I was hoping things would change, but I haven't gotten better enough yet.

I guess we will leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We love worshipping at our church, but outside of the youth activities, DH and I don't want to get involved. How can be we politely convince them of this? The constant invitations are exhausting.

An invitation isn't a demand. You just need to practice assertiveness.

"No, thanks."
"We don't have time to do xyz."
etc.

If you're depressed, you could reach out to your pastor or request prayer.

[Anonymous]

Switch to the Catholic Church. I went to one for years and no one wanted anything but obedience and money. I was surprised when I went to the Episcopal Church at the number of ways I was almost immediately invited to get involved, volunteer, lead, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Churches depend on their congregation to help out and build community. It think it’s wrong to be a free-loader.

Then I guess we'll leave. They don't really want us anyway.

You love worshipping at your church, they invite you to too many events and try to include you in so much that the invitations are constant, but they don’t really want you?

That is very contradictory op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We love worshipping at our church, but outside of the youth activities, DH and I don't want to get involved. How can be we politely convince them of this? The constant invitations are exhausting.

If everyone acted like you and your husband there would be no activities for the church members to enjoy. Why do get the enjoy the hard work of others?