If I wait to tell my parents about my DD's possible diagnosis until after formal diagnosis will it blow up in my face

[Anonymous]

Stop adding to your own stress but worrying about your mother's response and trying to pre-emptively fix it. Her reaction is hers and not yours to manage.

Do what's best for you, DH, and your child and do whatever makes your lives more peaceful during an already stressful time. And if-and-when you tell your mother, don't allow her to bash you for when you decided to tell her. If she starts with the 'why didn't you tell me earlier' stuff, be firm, tell her she knows now and don't engage, try to reason with her, or apologize. Whatever decision you make is absolutely fine: it's your decision to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aah, this takes me back.

In our case, I always suspected my son of being on the spectrum, but he had more pressing needs and he initially received a formal diagnosis of ADHD, so he could have medication for his severe type of inattention. That was a years-long process, because my husband was against meds for so long. I kept telling my family and friends that DS also had traits of high-functioning autism. No formal ASD diagnosis was necessary in school, since he had all the therapies and accommodations he needed without it.

He finally did get an ASD diagnosis at 17, in view of getting residential accommodations in college (private room and bath). The day I told my mother he'd received that diagnosis, SHE FREAKED OUT.

The moral of this story is that people are a little dumb. If they're going to freak out, that's what they'll do, no matter how you prepare the terrain beforehand. My mother had about 15 years to think about it, because her daughter (me), a geneticist and research scientist, told her about the ASD symptoms she was seeing and mitigating with therapies, social skills groups, etc. And yet she still blew a gasket when the diagnosis was official. As if her grandson had changed, and was suddenly a different person! Pffft.

So, please don't agonize over different scenarios. She'll freak out no matter what, and it will be HER fault, not yours. Given this truth, if I were you, I'd tell her later rather than sooner. And when she asks why you didn't tell her before, you'll say: "I knew you'd freak out."

I respectfully disagree with this. I find the worse thing you can say to someone like this mother is something critical. Telling her she would freak out will make her freak out worse. "I'm not freaking out!" Which exacerbates the situation.

OP needs to be the calm, in-control parent here. Allow the mom to freak out. But OP remains calm. Mom, this is where we are now. We are doing our best to move forward and support Larla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.

OP here. I should mention that my parents live in the area. We see them every week and they babysit from time to time. If DD is diagnosed and begins more therapies we may ask for their help more often. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep the diagnosis (if she gets it) from them long term.

Unfortunately, this is why you care. If you didn't need anything from her/them you wouldn't have a problem keeping it to yourself. This is a common problem with adult children of difficult parents when the AD needs varying types of help.

That said, if you do need the help then after the official diagnosis (if you get it) I would just say: Larla was just diagnosed with ASD, and we are in the process of putting together a strong plan to support her.

If your mom says: Why didn't you tell me before? You just have to be strong here. Kind but firm. Mom, we are finding out way through this as best we can. This is where we are now.

People only needle if you show weakness. It's like with a bully. Bully only bully when they sense weakness.

OP here. I don't agree with this take. My parents are pretty old. They will not be able to help that much longer. My motivation for keeping my parents in my life is that I love them, they absolutely adore DD and there isn't that much time left for them to enjoy this relationship. DH and I both have flexible jobs, and enough money for babysitters. But my parents love taking care of DD right now and I don't see the value of stopping this just so I can keep this diagnosis from my mother to avoid one freak out and possible fight.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to tell her at all. Or you could tell her and she might not accept it and will annoy you by telling you it’s just your parenting. This is common. Older people are often completely unsupportive about these diagnoses and/or in denial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I respectfully disagree with this. I find the worse thing you can say to someone like this mother is something critical. Telling her she would freak out will make her freak out worse. "I'm not freaking out!" Which exacerbates the situation.

OP needs to be the calm, in-control parent here. Allow the mom to freak out. But OP remains calm. Mom, this is where we are now. We are doing our best to move forward and support Larla.

Thanks, yes I think where I go wrong is I try to answer her questions and then when I can't I get stressed out and snap at her. I will definitely practice this convo ahead of time as another PP said and plan for how to respond to questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to tell her at all. Or you could tell her and she might not accept it and will annoy you by telling you it’s just your parenting. This is common. Older people are often completely unsupportive about these diagnoses and/or in denial.

LOL no my mother is not a DCUM poster and is often very supportive when she is not anxious. But yeah, this is going to be very confusing and stressful for her and she will want to lean on me for support under guise of supporting and advising me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.

OP here. I should mention that my parents live in the area. We see them every week and they babysit from time to time. If DD is diagnosed and begins more therapies we may ask for their help more often. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep the diagnosis (if she gets it) from them long term.

Unfortunately, this is why you care. If you didn't need anything from her/them you wouldn't have a problem keeping it to yourself. This is a common problem with adult children of difficult parents when the AD needs varying types of help.

That said, if you do need the help then after the official diagnosis (if you get it) I would just say: Larla was just diagnosed with ASD, and we are in the process of putting together a strong plan to support her.

If your mom says: Why didn't you tell me before? You just have to be strong here. Kind but firm. Mom, we are finding out way through this as best we can. This is where we are now.

People only needle if you show weakness. It's like with a bully. Bully only bully when they sense weakness.

OP here. I don't agree with this take. My parents are pretty old. They will not be able to help that much longer. My motivation for keeping my parents in my life is that I love them, they absolutely adore DD and there isn't that much time left for them to enjoy this relationship. DH and I both have flexible jobs, and enough money for babysitters. But my parents love taking care of DD right now and I don't see the value of stopping this just so I can keep this diagnosis from my mother to avoid one freak out and possible fight.

I stand corrected. I thought you were saying you needed their help. But I still think you can tell your mom when it's best for you, then stand firm with your own calm in the face of her upset. Even if it is just: Mom, we wanted to be sure first. But know, you are absolutely the first person we've told since we found out. That should mitigate some of her upset.

I have a difficult family, and what works in theory doesn't always work, so I get that. But mainly it doesn't work because long-established patterns. GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

This is the correct answer. Even though you've probably already built your life around it for decades. But you can at least not build your child's life around it.

OP here - I'm curious, what do you mean by this? I don't doubt that my relationship with my mother is unhealthy in many ways. I'd love to hear an outsider's perspective. I don't know what it is like to have a different type of mother.

DP.
First, big hugs and congratulations on you and your partner for recognizing the need for and seeking a diagnosis and attendant supports for your baby. Whatever the diagnosis your child is already a winner with you as a parent.
Now what the pp was referring to.
Step back, no judgment fir yourself or your mom, and think about all the ways you may have predicated your perspective, your choices, your CHOICE PROCESS on your mom’s responses, opinions, behavior.
Bottom line you are probably reflexively making ‘what will mom say or do’ the first thing you consider when you have decisions to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.

OP here. I should mention that my parents live in the area. We see them every week and they babysit from time to time. If DD is diagnosed and begins more therapies we may ask for their help more often. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep the diagnosis (if she gets it) from them long term.

Even so, you could. You can say she needs therapy because her speech is a little delayed. If the dx is something like autism the therapist probably won’t ever mention it. They focus on particular needs. The dx isn’t that meaningful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ASD who was diagnosed at age 2. We have only told very select people. My parents, in-laws and some of our siblings are not part of the list in the know.
You don’t have to immediately announce to everyone, especially if they’re not going to be supportive and end up creating more anxiety.

OP here. I should mention that my parents live in the area. We see them every week and they babysit from time to time. If DD is diagnosed and begins more therapies we may ask for their help more often. I don't think it will be sustainable to keep the diagnosis (if she gets it) from them long term.

Unfortunately, this is why you care. If you didn't need anything from her/them you wouldn't have a problem keeping it to yourself. This is a common problem with adult children of difficult parents when the AD needs varying types of help.

That said, if you do need the help then after the official diagnosis (if you get it) I would just say: Larla was just diagnosed with ASD, and we are in the process of putting together a strong plan to support her.

If your mom says: Why didn't you tell me before? You just have to be strong here. Kind but firm. Mom, we are finding out way through this as best we can. This is where we are now.

People only needle if you show weakness. It's like with a bully. Bully only bully when they sense weakness.

OP here. I don't agree with this take. My parents are pretty old. They will not be able to help that much longer. My motivation for keeping my parents in my life is that I love them, they absolutely adore DD and there isn't that much time left for them to enjoy this relationship. DH and I both have flexible jobs, and enough money for babysitters. But my parents love taking care of DD right now and I don't see the value of stopping this just so I can keep this diagnosis from my mother to avoid one freak out and possible fight.

.

There's a lot of space between cutting them out of your/Dad's life and what you share with them. Are they going to be taking her to therapies? Even then, ST etc are not just for kids with an ASD diagnosis. Agree with others that you can share what you want.

I am not an open book with my parents because they make a lot of vocal judgments and also get very anxious. I present a "show of strength" facade. They still spend lots of time with my kids because that's something we all value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

So someone who works with young children is skeptical of an overused diagnosis and that means they have a personality disorder? Grandma (who is supposedly the anxious one) is NOT the person who sought out multiple therapists and psychologists for something that "is not causing a lot of issues right now."

I'm not attacking OP. I'm sure she has her reasons for seeking out this assessment and trusting its results. But Grandma is being unfairly maligned here. I am a social worker and an educator and I share some of her concerns. It's like the cancer patient who only consults a surgeon. To them, everything looks like a surgery. These neuro-ed folks can't come back and say that your child is along a spectrum of "normal."

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter how long your kid's testing was scheduled for! That's totally irrelevant. It's minutia. If she asks how long it was scheduled say "That doesn't matter. What DOES matter is that when you want DD to wash her hands, you have to walk her to the sink and point to the soap."

Just re-focus her on things that will actually help your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

So someone who works with young children is skeptical of an overused diagnosis and that means they have a personality disorder? Grandma (who is supposedly the anxious one) is NOT the person who sought out multiple therapists and psychologists for something that "is not causing a lot of issues right now."

I'm not attacking OP. I'm sure she has her reasons for seeking out this assessment and trusting its results. But Grandma is being unfairly maligned here. I am a social worker and an educator and I share some of her concerns. It's like the cancer patient who only consults a surgeon. To them, everything looks like a surgery. These neuro-ed folks can't come back and say that your child is along a spectrum of "normal."

OP here. If you must know, DD was previously exhibiting some very concerning behaviors that were severely impairing. In fact, the reason that I fully grasped how serious those behaviors were, was because of my mother who encouraged me to seek help for them. There were multiple therapists and psychologists involved because DD participated in a group therapeutic program and worked individually with one therapist. Thankfully, she has now overcome those behaviors and we are in a very good place. My mother has diagnosed anxiety. So do I. We both take medication for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't build your life around around your mother's personality disorder. Do what's right for your kid.

So someone who works with young children is skeptical of an overused diagnosis and that means they have a personality disorder? Grandma (who is supposedly the anxious one) is NOT the person who sought out multiple therapists and psychologists for something that "is not causing a lot of issues right now."

I'm not attacking OP. I'm sure she has her reasons for seeking out this assessment and trusting its results. But Grandma is being unfairly maligned here. I am a social worker and an educator and I share some of her concerns. It's like the cancer patient who only consults a surgeon. To them, everything looks like a surgery. These neuro-ed folks can't come back and say that your child is along a spectrum of "normal."

Btw I've actually heard of many people who got their kids assessed and they didn't identify a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

I think by far the best advice was early on:

"What do you mean? I did tell you, we talked about it several times remember?"

"You didn't tell me you made an appointment"

"I know you didn't think it was necessary but I thought I was clear that I was worried about it anyway, besides, what does it matter?"

Just stop telling yourself "I'm hiding this appointment" and start telling yourself "I've told her lots of times I think this might be a problem, well, I'll let her know what the Dr says"