$ from Parents or Inlaws

[Anonymous]

My parents rarely give gifts of money; they did not contribute toward our home purchase but they did pay for our wedding dinner (small, at a restaurant following a civil ceremony) and give us an additional gift of money for our marriage. I don't know what they might do for our child (expected this fall), but I do know that they have given gifts of money toward college funds for my cousins (their nieces and nephews). My parents do not have a lot of extra money, but they also have some money issues (desire to be appreciated plus fear of being taken advantage of or suckered) that lead me to try to stay pretty well out of their choices and be gracious whatever they decide to do.

My MIL has been very generous with gifts of money, to the point where we have needed to set boundaries around what we will accept or not accept from her. I.e. we will accept gifts, but not payments for household repairs or that sort of thing (yes, she offers!). Some of this is tied up in the fact that the money she is offering is a legacy from my FIL's business and she perceives it as DH's inheritance (we don't see it that way, and encourage her to save/invest/spend it for her own needs/wants). She gives an annual Christmas gift of money, she gave us a large sum for a down payment on our house (after years of holding her off on this, we finally accepted), she paid for our casual wedding reception (at her house with her side of the family), often pays for the cost of us traveling to see her, and has offered to buy us one of the larger items we've selected for the baby.

I suspect that the baby will open up another layer of negotiation, but I believe that after 10+ years (since my FIL passed) we have gotten to a pretty good balance of not having her throw money at us and there being no strings attached to the gifts that we do accept. We try to keep the gifts in proportion (even the cash gifts, which are not at the level of the gift tax max) and be clear that there is a difference between "helping" and "gifting"; we do not rely on her gifts in our financial planning, and they often go towards retirement or other savings (and, sometimes, they come back out of savings to cover things like unexpected car repairs).

[Anonymous]

I think attitudes to family and money vary dramatically between cultures. My non-US parents have provided me with lots of financial assistance, just like their parents did them. My parents also later helped their parents financially (as well as every other way), just like I expect to do for them to the best of my ability. None of this money has ever been treated as a form of control, and it's not quid pro quo - my husband's parents have had financial troubles and have not been able to help him much, but that doesn't mean we won't help them if and when they need it.
I try not to mention this topic with American friends, though, because their reaction tends to be along the lines of this thread - money from parents after [some arbitrary cutoff - 16, 18, college graduation, first job, marriage, kids] equals not a real grownup. Never mind that many people have parents who spent as much on their weddings as mine did helping me buy a house... (And I'm sure now many will post that their parents didn't give them a dime for their weddings - my point isn't that parents shouldn't help with weddings, it's that families should help each other however they see fit and that there's no shame in accepting help.)
Obviously, if in your family money is toxic, then do what you need to preserve your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First let me say that our household has been struggling for 2+ years with unemployment and large medical bills -- at the same time. We have amassed $20K in credit card debt related to the above (as in, when you need an MRI or a hot water heater, you have to pay for it somehow. you don't put it off).

Meanwhile ... we take very lavish vacations, thanks to the ILs. Why? Because this is what they value: extended family vacations to expensive locales, staying in luxurious accommodations.

So we have the situation where we might be on the beach in Nantucket or in an apartment in Paris, on their dime, and Sibley Hospital has put our account into collection and called our house 16 times, demanding payment, while we're in Paris. It's surreal sometimes.

I'm sorry you're dealing with financial and health problems, but I wonder if you've thought about asking your ILs to lend -- or even give -- you some cash to pay off your debt, rather than taking you on lavish vacations. I do understand that they might value those vacations, but wouldn't they also value helping you deal with the stress of being in debt? And, maybe I'm being old-fashioned here, but wouldn't you and they also see it as the honorable thing to do? I'm a doctor's daughter and so I'm familiar with the idea of docs writing off a certain percent of their fees as uncollectible, but it's one thing to do that for patients who really can't afford to pay or don't have insurance and a whole different thing to do that for folks who are vacationing on Nantucket or in Paris.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
First let me say that our household has been struggling for 2+ years with unemployment and large medical bills -- at the same time. We have amassed $20K in credit card debt related to the above (as in, when you need an MRI or a hot water heater, you have to pay for it somehow. you don't put it off).

Meanwhile ... we take very lavish vacations, thanks to the ILs. Why? Because this is what they value: extended family vacations to expensive locales, staying in luxurious accommodations.

So we have the situation where we might be on the beach in Nantucket or in an apartment in Paris, on their dime, and Sibley Hospital has put our account into collection and called our house 16 times, demanding payment, while we're in Paris. It's surreal sometimes.

I'm sorry you're dealing with financial and health problems, but I wonder if you've thought about asking your ILs to lend -- or even give -- you some cash to pay off your debt, rather than taking you on lavish vacations. I do understand that they might value those vacations, but wouldn't they also value helping you deal with the stress of being in debt? And, maybe I'm being old-fashioned here, but wouldn't you and they also see it as the honorable thing to do? I'm a doctor's daughter and so I'm familiar with the idea of docs writing off a certain percent of their fees as uncollectible, but it's one thing to do that for patients who really can't afford to pay or don't have insurance and a whole different thing to do that for folks who are vacationing on Nantucket or in Paris.

I am going to venture to say that the ILs are well aware of the financial hardships of this family if they have been out of work for 2+ years and have health complications. Surely they do not think that elves pay the bills for them. Obviously her in laws rather spend time happy together as a family and do not want to burden themselves with the difficult realities. Are you suggesting that the poster turn down these vacations because they are frivolous....why look a gift horse in the mouth? The posters life sounds pretty hard and miserable she might as well take advantage of the one week of luxury that is offered to her.

[Anonymous]

None, Dad spends it all on his current wife.