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$ from Parents or Inlaws
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Anonymous
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We've had quite a lot of help (education and vacations particularly) from one set of parents. In turn, we help the other set.
In terms of vacationing with kids' grandparents, it definitely helps to have an advance plan on some activities and sleeping arrangements and such. Of course, it is imperative that the people you are dealing with be normal and rational, and if that isn't possible, then I'd avoid a vacation like that at all costs. |
Anonymous
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My dad started and ran a successful business throughout his career and as a result my parents have a good amount of money. They have been very generous with starting and contributing to a college fund for our daughter.
They paid for my undergrad education (and my brother's) and we found ways to have our graduate degrees either partially or fully funded, so they did not help with that. My mom worked part time starting when I was about 7 and has a savings account from that, that she uses to treat my brother and I to things (he does not have kids). She buys a lot of things for our daughter like clothes (not expensive ones, just basic stuff from Kohls or Target or wherever), and things for the nursery when we were starting out, and she loves to send me Starbucks cards because she knows I love it there. I will occasionally go shopping with my mom and she buys me an outfit or two, but that is probably once a year or so. She also loves to come visit and stock us up with groceries, diapers, etc. I'm very grateful and appreciative. I don't feel entitled to this nor do I feel guilty - I have always worked hard and had part time jobs starting at in my early teens, and have worked full time since graduating college. I made the most of my college education by never missing a class and graduating Phi Beta Kappa with a 3.75, and DH and I bought our house, pay our mortgage, pay our bills, etc. More importantly than money my parents are wonderful grandparents and spend a lot of time with my child. I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have them. I love my in-laws too but they live farther away and though they would help us out of a bind and are very generous with our daughter, they do not have as much extra income. |
Anonymous
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My dad insisted on paying for DD's nursery furniture. When he see him (maybe 4 times a year) he will give DD some gifts like books or toys.
DH's parents put in $100 a month into DD's 529 account. DH's mom also likes shopping and usually buys her a cute dress/outfit at least once a month. |
Anonymous
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Soo jealous of the folks whose parents/IL pay for vacation and schools etc (but not in a mean way at all).
My folks and IL don't give us money or pay for anything per say (we even split dinner bills etc), but they are always picking up little outfits etc for DC...super sweet. In fact, when my MIL came last week my 2-yr old said, "you bring me presents!??!" (ugh, but she might as well have SOMEONE spoil her, 'cause it's not going to be her dad or me). |
Anonymous
| My parents give DD a lot of gifts, covered some of the big ticket baby items, and jump at any opportunity to babysit. DH's grandparents are contributing generously to DD's college fund. MIL, on the other hand, has US paying HER home equity loan...she did buy us the crib though, but most likely with money from the home equity loan... |
Anonymous
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Zero. I wouldn't have it any other way.
The goal in parenting is to raise 'self-reliant' children. Our parents were apparently successful. True independence comes from doing it on your own. I have a friend that suffers from her MIL...MIL/FIL put down $500k towards their house...a little hard to turn your back on that. Our relationship with both sets of parents (who we get along remarkedly well) is not strained or due to any financial ties. If somebody cannot afford to buy a house, they are not yet ready to buy a house. We are a generation that expects everything immediately...and if ppl can't afford it they expect mommy or daddy to buy it for them. My parents do provide gifts and entertainment and love for my kids. |
Anonymous
| They don't cut us a check or anything, but they have purchased tons of clothes/toys/books for DS, which has been a help to us. They kindly offered to supplement a small percentage (10%) of DS's monthly daycare costs so that we could send him to a center closer to our house that was more expensive, but we declined. They help us out by watching DS every other month or so so that we can get out, or helping me with DS when DH is on travel, which is more valuable to me than any money they could give, since I am very uncomfortable leaving DS alone with a babysitter that we don't know well. |
Anonymous
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Both sets of grandparents are generous (in my vision) with birthday and Christmas presents (I'd guess they spend $300 total each). They also often travel to visit us to cut down on the amount we have to spend to travel to see them (both sets live a plane ride away or very long drive away). Usually they'll also contribute about $100 a year to the 529 fund.
Both my husband and I are lucky in that our parents paid for undergrad education, though we paid for our masters ourselves. We also have the comfort of knowing that IF something catastrophic happened we would have monetary support behind us. Can't imagine those circumstances, but still, it's there. We're saving on our own to buy our first home. Another thing important to me is that we know enough about our parent's finances to know that they are definitely going to be able to take care of themselves monetarily through the end of their lives. We know we won't need to save for that. My father has told me that in his financial plan, he intends to start "gifting" me the $20,000 a year that he and my mom can give us tax free in order to avoid some of the death taxes. That won't be til he hits 80yo though - 20 years from now. It's not money we are counting on. |
Anonymous
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First let me say that our household has been struggling for 2+ years with unemployment and large medical bills -- at the same time. We have amassed $20K in credit card debt related to the above (as in, when you need an MRI or a hot water heater, you have to pay for it somehow. you don't put it off).
Meanwhile ... we take very lavish vacations, thanks to the ILs. Why? Because this is what they value: extended family vacations to expensive locales, staying in luxurious accommodations. So we have the situation where we might be on the beach in Nantucket or in an apartment in Paris, on their dime, and Sibley Hospital has put our account into collection and called our house 16 times, demanding payment, while we're in Paris. It's surreal sometimes. |
Anonymous
When you get married you should be able to support yourself and any children you bring into this world. I expect no help from parents or inlaws. There is something called "save money for emergencies, college education for your children." If either parents want to give something, fine, but we don't ask, hint, cajole. Marriage is for adults not children playing house. |
Anonymous
I agree with this to a point, but do not see it as the black-and-white issue that you do. Certain financial achievements are hard (paying for college; buying nursery furniture), and when the time comes, if I can help my kids with them, I would be delighted to do so. Along similar lines, I hope to leave my kids enough of an inheritance that they can do something longed-for and important when that time comes, e.g. put their children through college without debt, or purchase a beach house, or take a vacation in Europe. Mutual, considerate, loving support - of whatever kind is possible - is a family value that my parents and ILs don't have, but which I do, and which I hope to foster in my kids. If I don't have money, I'll babysit; help with dinner; whatever necessary to lighten the load for the people I love. If I do have money, I'll use that too. My parents and ILs do none of the above. |
Anonymous
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My ILs gave us the 20% down payment for our first condo which we sold at the height of the market and made a tidy profit. So while they don't contribute directly to say our children's education fund that first gift has trickled down to more wealth for us and our ability to save more for our children.
They also gave us two of their old cars when they were getting new ones. Again not direct support of our children but we have never had a car payment therefore have been able to save more for our children. |
Anonymous
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My parents gave us a chunk of money (the max to the gift tax limit) when we bought the house we're in now and did the same for my sister, who bought a house right at the same time. The stock market was good then! Very nice of them, absolutely not expected (or needed for us to buy the house) and there really were no strings attached. My folks are definitely well off and have saved for retirement, but the money is theirs to enjoy -- finally! They give the kids nice holiday gifts and occasional presents at other times, which is lovely of them. DD especially gets little dresses whenever Mom comes across something she has to have. Time spent together is even better. They invite us up to their beach house every year and we all have an excellent time. Kids get a $500 check when they're baptized, but otherwise no direct monetary gifts to the kids. (Timing is coincidental and there's no issue about baptizing, we'd all do it anyway!). They don't live close enough to babysit, but are always willing to watch the kids when we're all together and encourage us to go out on our own. They have come down once to watch them while we went away for 5+ days.
My ILs aren't as well off and live even farther away. For some reason, MIL buys them a lot of pajamas! They tend to buy more "stuff" at holidays (i.e. quantity of toys over quality), but aren't big into random presents just because. The kids adore them because whenever they're together, they're constantly playing with the kids. We'll end up supporting them in part someday. |
Anonymous
| It hadn't occurred to me before reading this post, but my parents have not given us any money or substantial gifts in connection with our children. They definitely have the means to do so. But it does not bother me in the least. They paid in full for my college, loaned me money for grad school (which I am still repaying) and gave us some money when we got married (but did not pay for the wedding). But more than that, they have been so fiscally responsible that I have no worries that we will have to support them as they age. In fact, when I think about it, this may be why they haven't done anything for the kids - they want to make sure that they do not become a financial burden themselves. My DH's parents are not in a position to help financially, although they have bought us mountains of clothes for the kids and some toys. However, I fully expect they will need financial support when they are no longer able to work. |
Anonymous
| My parents have been extremely generous with college funding, furniture, etc. My husband and I both make very comfortable incomes, so it allows us to save more so that maybe we may be able to do the same for our children one day. |