HS kid doesn't want to host

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely not move for this. Even some bigger homes don't end up being hang out homes.

This.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks for the responses. We kind of want to move, but would rather wait until HS is done so we aren't bound by proximity to the school.

I kind of wish we had moved years ago, but it's hard to give up a mortgage free house (it was a fixer upper when we bought it years ago!).

I think I will look at some ideas to make DD's room more inviting. I like the idea of stringing lights. Maybe clear out some things and put in a lounge chair or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think up a monthly budget you could give her to "host" some friends outside of your house. This is WAY cheaper than moving!!

You don't even have to tell her this is what you've done. But every now and then say "hey, do you and Friends want to go bowling this weekend? My treat." or "How about you invite X and Y to the movie with you? My treat" Etc.

Don’t do this. Teach your daughter not to be ashamed with what she has and not to feel like she (or you) needs to spend money to make up for it.

I grew up in a 3 br townhouse, family of 6, and never had my own room. We had a lot of friends who had tons of money and huge houses and I never felt embarrassed when they came over. Now if they were judging us then that’s on them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't move for this but why don't you use the savings from having a paid off house to treat your daughter and her friends to fun?

When I lived in a smaller home I almost never reciprocated playdates. I was actually embarrassed by my small home and the lack of things for the kids to do. My kids even noticed. They were honest and I just responded everyone lives in different settings. So because of that I would host events. For example, I would take my kids and all the friends to the movies, urban air, arcade etc. That way it was pretty equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think up a monthly budget you could give her to "host" some friends outside of your house. This is WAY cheaper than moving!!

You don't even have to tell her this is what you've done. But every now and then say "hey, do you and Friends want to go bowling this weekend? My treat." or "How about you invite X and Y to the movie with you? My treat" Etc.

Don’t do this. Teach your daughter not to be ashamed with what she has and not to feel like she (or you) needs to spend money to make up for it.

I grew up in a 3 br townhouse, family of 6, and never had my own room. We had a lot of friends who had tons of money and huge houses and I never felt embarrassed when they came over. Now if they were judging us then that’s on them.

I'm not sure why you're assuming "shame" or "embarrassment" over the home has anything to do with this. It's completely natural, understandable, and appropriate for a ninth grader to want some degree of privacy from her parents when her friends are over. It doesn't sound like the house can provide this.

I don't think you can make a small bedroom suitable as a hang-out space for high school kids. It would obviously be more expensive, but I think you'd have better luck focusing on creating an outdoor space.

[Anonymous]

OP are you sure the only reason she doesn’t want to host is because of your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are you sure the only reason she doesn’t want to host is because of your house?

Not entirely. When I've asked, she just says it's because there's no where to hang out and we don't have fun stuff to do like video games or a Wii system (no, I'm not buying them), or a basement to hang out and watch a movie in. I should also note that there isn't anyone is the neighborhood who goes to her school. At least not in walking/biking distance. So we would never have the casual drop by visits. Maybe that is it too. Inviting someone over might feel like an event to her- where she has to plan something and make sure it's something fun. I don't know. Covid kind of messed up the rhythm of hanging out too.

She's in a new school this year and is making new friends. Since it's a fresh slate, I'd just like to make sure she feels comfortable with people hanging out here too. I swear we're nice parents and would have plenty of snacks, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you sure the only reason she doesn’t want to host is because of your house?

Not entirely. When I've asked, she just says it's because there's no where to hang out and we don't have fun stuff to do like video games or a Wii system (no, I'm not buying them), or a basement to hang out and watch a movie in. I should also note that there isn't anyone is the neighborhood who goes to her school. At least not in walking/biking distance. So we would never have the casual drop by visits. Maybe that is it too. Inviting someone over might feel like an event to her- where she has to plan something and make sure it's something fun. I don't know. Covid kind of messed up the rhythm of hanging out too.

She's in a new school this year and is making new friends. Since it's a fresh slate, I'd just like to make sure she feels comfortable with people hanging out here too. I swear we're nice parents and would have plenty of snacks, lol.

OP I don't understand this? It's 1000x cheaper to buy a video game system than a house. Is there some reason you're against this, especially in light of how desperate you are to make your house welcoming for your dd's friends.

Give it time. We're weren't a hang out house either, but that didn't mean that nobody came over in 4 years. There are so many factors that go into it, and for both kids it seemed to be proximity to school/metro. I felt bummed too, but there's nothing you can do but pull out your cc for pizza when they do eventually show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you sure the only reason she doesn’t want to host is because of your house?

Not entirely. When I've asked, she just says it's because there's no where to hang out and we don't have fun stuff to do like video games or a Wii system (no, I'm not buying them), or a basement to hang out and watch a movie in. I should also note that there isn't anyone is the neighborhood who goes to her school. At least not in walking/biking distance. So we would never have the casual drop by visits. Maybe that is it too. Inviting someone over might feel like an event to her- where she has to plan something and make sure it's something fun. I don't know. Covid kind of messed up the rhythm of hanging out too.

She's in a new school this year and is making new friends. Since it's a fresh slate, I'd just like to make sure she feels comfortable with people hanging out here too. I swear we're nice parents and would have plenty of snacks, lol.

OP I don't understand this? It's 1000x cheaper to buy a video game system than a house. Is there some reason you're against this, especially in light of how desperate you are to make your house welcoming for your dd's friends.

Give it time. We're weren't a hang out house either, but that didn't mean that nobody came over in 4 years. There are so many factors that go into it, and for both kids it seemed to be proximity to school/metro. I felt bummed too, but there's nothing you can do but pull out your cc for pizza when they do eventually show up.

If she feels that strongly about a Wii, I'll get one, but DD isn't really into video games.

I'm also hesitant, because we did buy a trampoline for the backyard because it seemed like everyone else had one and she liked them, but she's barely used it. I guess if parents don't care that much about reciprocating, I won't worry about it. Maybe when she gets a few close friends she can do a sleepover or movie night. My husband and I can camp out upstairs.

Maybe this is just my kid. She's an only child, so perhaps she likes going elsewhere for a change of pace. I had a lot of siblings and I always preferred hanging out a a friend's house who had her own room. It was always so peaceful.

[Anonymous]

I definitely wouldn't worry about reciprocation in HS. Cross that off your list. Just give it time. She'll have friends around at some point in next 4 years.

[Anonymous]

I envy you OP. My daughter loves having people over. I hate it! Wish we weren't the hangout house. But my wife disagrees with me, so we're reluctantly the hangout house.

[Anonymous]

I get the worry, OP, but it's not a reason to go buy a new house. We have a tiny, older home that is big enough for our family. My kid had friends over all the time in elementary and we hosted numerous sleepovers. Fast forward to HS and changing friend groups and my kid almost never has anyone over. The HS friend group consists almost exclusively of kids in the 4K sq. ft+ type of houses. They have big bedrooms, kitchens the size of our dining and kitchen combined, media rooms and huge patios with nice furniture. My kid has only had one of the new friends over, but I don't think will ever host a big event. It makes me a little sad, but I hope it doesn't affect their friendships. It wasn't an issue at all in elementary, but the HS feeds from much wealthier neighborhoods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thanks for the responses. We kind of want to move, but would rather wait until HS is done so we aren't bound by proximity to the school.

I kind of wish we had moved years ago, but it's hard to give up a mortgage free house (it was a fixer upper when we bought it years ago!).

I think I will look at some ideas to make DD's room more inviting. I like the idea of stringing lights. Maybe clear out some things and put in a lounge chair or two.

Start looking. Maybe you’re lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you sure the only reason she doesn’t want to host is because of your house?

Not entirely. When I've asked, she just says it's because there's no where to hang out and we don't have fun stuff to do like video games or a Wii system (no, I'm not buying them), or a basement to hang out and watch a movie in. I should also note that there isn't anyone is the neighborhood who goes to her school. At least not in walking/biking distance. So we would never have the casual drop by visits. Maybe that is it too. Inviting someone over might feel like an event to her- where she has to plan something and make sure it's something fun. I don't know. Covid kind of messed up the rhythm of hanging out too.

She's in a new school this year and is making new friends. Since it's a fresh slate, I'd just like to make sure she feels comfortable with people hanging out here too. I swear we're nice parents and would have plenty of snacks, lol.

OP I don't understand this? It's 1000x cheaper to buy a video game system than a house. Is there some reason you're against this, especially in light of how desperate you are to make your house welcoming for your dd's friends.

Give it time. We're weren't a hang out house either, but that didn't mean that nobody came over in 4 years. There are so many factors that go into it, and for both kids it seemed to be proximity to school/metro. I felt bummed too, but there's nothing you can do but pull out your cc for pizza when they do eventually show up.

If she feels that strongly about a Wii, I'll get one, but DD isn't really into video games.

I'm also hesitant, because we did buy a trampoline for the backyard because it seemed like everyone else had one and she liked them, but she's barely used it. I guess if parents don't care that much about reciprocating, I won't worry about it. Maybe when she gets a few close friends she can do a sleepover or movie night. My husband and I can camp out upstairs.

Maybe this is just my kid. She's an only child, so perhaps she likes going elsewhere for a change of pace. I had a lot of siblings and I always preferred hanging out a a friend's house who had her own room. It was always so peaceful.

Going from your house to a house with an extra thousand square feet is not going to make a difference.

I would reciprocate by taking girls on outings.

I have a 6000sf basement my kids don’t play in. Kids mostly hang out in our family room playing games. They may prefer the main level because I don’t allow food and drinks in the basement. Our family room is right next to our kitchen and I serve kids food and drinks. We are the hang out house but we have nothing special in our house besides we have a large basement no one goes in. There are other kids who have a pool or basketball court and I don’t necessarily think their house is more popular.

I have been told that we have the best snacks.

[Anonymous]

You have a family room (living rooms are formal and are usually called that when you have both). I don't see the issue with you hanging out upstairs while your dd hangs out. Or go garden outside.