HS kid doesn't want to host

[Anonymous]

Our 9th grade daughter does not like to host at our house. She says it's because there is no where to hang out. We do not have a dedicated hangout spot, like a family room or finished basement, or even a porch/patio. Our house is an older 2 story 3bd/1ba and we have a small kitchen, LR and DR with the bedrooms upstairs. Our basement cannot really be finished, but DD does have her own small room. There is maybe room for one sleeping bag on the floor (barely!), so she could invite a friend over to spend the night. We have a small extra bedroom that we use as a craft room/office/storage.

She invited a friend over a couple times in middle school and I just hid in my bedroom and let DD have the main level to socialize. That's kind of annoying for the parents though!

Our house is paid for, but I'm kind of bothered by this. For instance, for homecoming, I dropped her off at a friend's house where about eight girls gathered to get ready. We obviously could never do something like this. I'm wondering if it's worth moving for this reason. We could afford a house that costs about 100-200K more than ours is worth. That would probably get us either a finished basement, extra bathroom or extra family room in the same area we live now. Would it be worth it? She will be off to college in a few years. Is this even important when they are able to drive and get around by themselves in a year or two?

We would probably have to get a mortgage for the higher costs. I'm kind of wincing at that given the interest rates, but I also want DD to feel comfortable in our home. Despite the size, our house has some positive qualities (aside from no mortgage!) that I would hate to give up. I do get it though, I grew up in a small house with a large family and I never invited anyone over. We bought our house before having a kid and DH thinks this is a silly reason to move, but is willing to upgrade.

[Anonymous]

Don’t move for this. Doesn’t make any financial sense at all, especially when she will be moving out for college in a few years. It’s ok to not host. If you must, pay for hang outs a few times a year (or even once a month!) at a fun place — guarantee that will cost you less than 100-200k + interest.

[Anonymous]

No, just go upstairs and hang out when she has friends over. How often would she really be doing this anyway, I assume only once every few weekends, as other kids will also take turns hosting.

[Anonymous]

Any you make the extra craft room into a hang out room?

[Anonymous]

We live in a 12,000sf house and my HS kid doesn’t like to host either.

I grew up in a small apartment and then a small house. We had no problems hanging out in friends’ rooms. That was the norm in high school, college and young professional life in nyc. You don’t need designated hang out areas.

I didn’t host because I had a small house but more because my parents. I had overbearing strict parents. I had no problems going to friends homes that were similar.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine just let her go to the houses she wants to go to. We have a medium size house, nothing fancy, although we did have a reasonably comfy basement that my DD used to have friends over in all the time. My DS though thinks it’s lame and doesn’t have friends over so he goes to the peoples houses who have more cool “stuff“ and I’m fine with that. Even having an excellent hangout space for teens doesn’t guarantee they’re going to be at your house so certainly don’t move for that purpose. Just roll with what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine just let her go to the houses she wants to go to. We have a medium size house, nothing fancy, although we did have a reasonably comfy basement that my DD used to have friends over in all the time. My DS though thinks it’s lame and doesn’t have friends over so he goes to the peoples houses who have more cool “stuff“ and I’m fine with that. Even having an excellent hangout space for teens doesn’t guarantee they’re going to be at your house so certainly don’t move for that purpose. Just roll with what you have.

Yeah, don’t move for that basement. I liked to hang out outside my house when I was a kid.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thanks. Ha, I always thought having your own room was good enough (I always had to share with a younger sister).

I'll encourage DD to invite people over. I feel bad that she never reciprocates. As a kid she only wanted to invite people over a handful of times for playdates. I think the more suburban style houses were more fun for her than our old house.

The office is pretty small (9x11)- there's not much room for hanging out. I suppose I could put a tiny sofa in there, but it would be cramped. Her bedroom is actually a bit more spacious (10x12).

[Anonymous]

I would definitely not move for this. Even some bigger homes don't end up being hang out homes.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone else, don't move for this.

I completely understand about wanting to reciprocate, but I'm sure the other parents understand. My HS DD has a close friend who lives in a small townhouse/condo, and she can't host the girls either. The girl group tends to come to my house for homecoming, prom, sleepovers (a big part of that too is our location) and I'm totally fine with it, and not keeping track. So don't sweat that part!

[Anonymous]

You need to work on getting your child to feel less shame over her living space. The sooner she learns to be OK with who she is, the better. She wants to be friends with people for whom her (normal, not oversized) house is not an issue!

We live in a tiny house. My teens have hosted single friends or small groups, and I just float around. I don't hide. I even participate in some conversations, get snarked by DD, and take everything with humor.

I would make sure that you stock all the snacks and drinks that they love, and maybe get your teen's help in decorating, especially for Halloween or any other little party she might want to have. Sometimes cozy is best! I promise that if she has a nice group of friends, it's all your personalities together that will grease the wheels of friendship and hosting, not the size and amenities of your house.

[Anonymous]

This is wild to me. I grew up in a two bedroom, one floor condo. We would just hang out in the living room. My mom did not hide anywhere. She would go about her business and we would do our own thing. I would never have considered my mom moving so I could hang out that’s beyond nuts.

[Anonymous]

I would make the extra bedroom a hang out room if you can with a couch, chair and fun stuff like led lights.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think a finished basement will change much. I am the hang out house. I appreciate when others offer rides or take my kids out to eat or outings. I host the most at my actual house. I also feel like I’m often asking if other parents could give my kids a ride home from sports.

There are a few parents who don’t offer anything.

[Anonymous]

Don't move. She's young and her attitude may change. If she has friends and a social life, then she's good. Plus, she'll be gone in a few years and you could end up with too much house.

Don't overthink this.