HS kid doesn't want to host

[Anonymous]

We have one of the smaller and older homes of my son's HS friend group. Many live in the new knockdown/rebuilt McMansions with endless space.

For some reason, the boys all love hanging out at our house. We had 8 Seniors laughing and playing poker and hanging out back before squeezing into the small dedicated space we have.

Op, I would NOT move for a high school kid. Most of our friends and family, downsized from the big family home by the time the kids were out of college.

I will admit, we haven't updated our main level since we moved in in 2009 and it desperately needs it so I am hesitant to have new people over. Neighbors/friends/family, etc., I don't care at all. But, I hesitate to have the homecoming pre-pic thing at our home or other things with parents we have never met. Things are pretty dingy now. Waiting for 3 years when we are empty nest before updating. It would cause too much disruption right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 9th grade daughter does not like to host at our house. She says it's because there is no where to hang out. We do not have a dedicated hangout spot, like a family room or finished basement, or even a porch/patio. Our house is an older 2 story 3bd/1ba and we have a small kitchen, LR and DR with the bedrooms upstairs. Our basement cannot really be finished, but DD does have her own small room. There is maybe room for one sleeping bag on the floor (barely!), so she could invite a friend over to spend the night. We have a small extra bedroom that we use as a craft room/office/storage.

She invited a friend over a couple times in middle school and I just hid in my bedroom and let DD have the main level to socialize. That's kind of annoying for the parents though!

Our house is paid for, but I'm kind of bothered by this. For instance, for homecoming, I dropped her off at a friend's house where about eight girls gathered to get ready. We obviously could never do something like this. I'm wondering if it's worth moving for this reason. We could afford a house that costs about 100-200K more than ours is worth. That would probably get us either a finished basement, extra bathroom or extra family room in the same area we live now. Would it be worth it? She will be off to college in a few years. Is this even important when they are able to drive and get around by themselves in a year or two?

We would probably have to get a mortgage for the higher costs. I'm kind of wincing at that given the interest rates, but I also want DD to feel comfortable in our home. Despite the size, our house has some positive qualities (aside from no mortgage!) that I would hate to give up. I do get it though, I grew up in a small house with a large family and I never invited anyone over. We bought our house before having a kid and DH thinks this is a silly reason to move, but is willing to upgrade.

My son was the same way. I think it’s because we don’t allow kids to drink alcohol. He was very popular still and even though it hurt a bit we got used to it and our house certainly was not getting trashed. When younger up until 9th he had 6-7 kids sleeping over on the weekends. It was nice but a lot of work and cleaning up. I tried to think of that when it made me sad.

[Anonymous]

Are you serious? Do not move for that. Most kids aka friends do not care where you live as long as you are cool. We live in a 2bdr condo, in an apartment-style building. I've had 6 boys last weekend. So I hid in my bedroom at one point then I went out for coffee. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Think up a monthly budget you could give her to "host" some friends outside of your house. This is WAY cheaper than moving!!

You don't even have to tell her this is what you've done. But every now and then say "hey, do you and Friends want to go bowling this weekend? My treat." or "How about you invite X and Y to the movie with you? My treat" Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you serious? Do not move for that. Most kids aka friends do not care where you live as long as you are cool. We live in a 2bdr condo, in an apartment-style building. I've had 6 boys last weekend. So I hid in my bedroom at one point then I went out for coffee. Whatever.

It is the same for adults. It is the company. We have a large house suitable for hosting. We used to live in a townhouse. I have more fun with my friends in NYC and they all live in 1000sf apartments. Who cares if you have a small living room or a giant basement? It is the people, not the space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 9th grade daughter does not like to host at our house. She says it's because there is no where to hang out. We do not have a dedicated hangout spot, like a family room or finished basement, or even a porch/patio. Our house is an older 2 story 3bd/1ba and we have a small kitchen, LR and DR with the bedrooms upstairs. Our basement cannot really be finished, but DD does have her own small room. There is maybe room for one sleeping bag on the floor (barely!), so she could invite a friend over to spend the night. We have a small extra bedroom that we use as a craft room/office/storage.

She invited a friend over a couple times in middle school and I just hid in my bedroom and let DD have the main level to socialize. That's kind of annoying for the parents though!

Our house is paid for, but I'm kind of bothered by this. For instance, for homecoming, I dropped her off at a friend's house where about eight girls gathered to get ready. We obviously could never do something like this. I'm wondering if it's worth moving for this reason. We could afford a house that costs about 100-200K more than ours is worth. That would probably get us either a finished basement, extra bathroom or extra family room in the same area we live now. Would it be worth it? She will be off to college in a few years. Is this even important when they are able to drive and get around by themselves in a year or two?

We would probably have to get a mortgage for the higher costs. I'm kind of wincing at that given the interest rates, but I also want DD to feel comfortable in our home. Despite the size, our house has some positive qualities (aside from no mortgage!) that I would hate to give up. I do get it though, I grew up in a small house with a large family and I never invited anyone over. We bought our house before having a kid and DH thinks this is a silly reason to move, but is willing to upgrade.

My son was the same way. I think it’s because we don’t allow kids to drink alcohol. He was very popular still and even though it hurt a bit we got used to it and our house certainly was not getting trashed. When younger up until 9th he had 6-7 kids sleeping over on the weekends. It was nice but a lot of work and cleaning up. I tried to think of that when it made me sad.

We are the 'hang out house' in a small house and there is no drinking/alcohol/vaping, etc. of any kind. Though my son doesn't really run with a fast crowd.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't move either, although I would look into a screened porch or patio if you have space for it and are willing to spend the money. It really expands your living space beyond what you'd think. My family is on our porch the majority of the time and it's my DD's favorite place to be when her friends are over.

[Anonymous]

It seems like a really big jump to go from "my DD doesn't want to host" to "maybe we should buy a whole new house." Now if you have been thinking of moving for a while or there is something legitimately wrong with your house, okay. But please tell me you weren't thinking about going through the stress of selling/buying/moving just because of the hosting issue? I feel like there are a number of creative options in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is wild to me. I grew up in a two bedroom, one floor condo. We would just hang out in the living room. My mom did not hide anywhere. She would go about her business and we would do our own thing. I would never have considered my mom moving so I could hang out that’s beyond nuts.

Same

[Anonymous]

We have a large house. We have hosted kids here. DD's friends live in anything from small houses to townhouses. Most of them host their friends in their homes. It really has absolutely nothing to do with the space. The only one where DD said her friend will not host, is not because the space is small, but because it's extremely cluttered, and the kid is horrified about bringing people in.

[Anonymous]

I have a son who has lots of female friends. His prom date and a bunch of their friends got ready in the home of a classmate that was basically a 2-bedroom apartment. I was there for it all since I was driving them around, along with 5-6 other moms and one dad. What seemed to matter the most was the central/convenient house location and the willingness of the parents to let the kids take over the space and make a big mess in the process. Many of us have larger houses with better lighting and nicer furnishings, but they're not where the kids end up congregating.

[Anonymous]

The kids who host in high school are the ones whose parents allow alcohol or look the part the other way.

[Anonymous]

Size doesn't always matter. We have a 4-BD, 4BA with a finish basement and family room. My teenagers still don't like to host, they rather go to other people's home. Even those living in small townhomes.

I was raised in a 2BD apartment and always had friends over and hanged out in the living room.

OP, ask you daughter for her opinion. Maybe she doesn't care to have a bigger home.

Maybe tell her bigger home or a car in a few years?

My husband and I are already thinking about downsizing once the kids go to college!

[Anonymous]

Do you have a garage or space to make one of those backyard sheds? My neighbor turned her garage into kid playroom / entertaining space with an outdoor rug, paint on walls, and a couch / coffee table. The older elementary kids on our street love it and are always over there.

You can’t buy your way into being the hangout house. I grew up as an only child in a home with a finished basement and a nice deck / yard and I hardly had people over. My mom always wanted me to, but my house was never the cool house.

[Anonymous]

We have a large house and are the hang-out house. In our house, even with other spaces to hang out, the kids hang out in the main family room mainly because that is where the large screen TV is (and the gaming system). Maybe it's different because I have boys, but they don't care that the parents wander around while they are hanging out. The family room is next to the kitchen in an open floor plan, so there isn't really privacy, but the boys that are coming over don't really care. They are there to hang out and play games with their friends and don't care that we are around. Although we (parents) got to our offices while their friends are over, we do wander through, go to the kitchen, fix drinks or snacks, and talk to the kids as we walk by.

So, I would not worry about it. Your DD can host her friends in the main living room. You can be in your bedroom or you can go to the dining room or the kitchen and do whatever you need to do and if you wander by, that's okay, too. Teens adapt. While they might want some privacy, if the living room is the place where the comfortable sofas are to hang out on, that's where they'll be. You can wander by and do whatever you have to do, as long as you aren't just hanging nearby listening to their conversation.