How would you react if your middle-aged adult child cut you off?

[Anonymous]

I had to distance myself from a mentally ill mother who for a long time refused help and then would get therapy, go on meds, be much better and decide she was cured and stop it all and cycle back. Her abusive behavior did a lot of damage. I was getting therapy trying to figure out how to have a relationship with her and not allow her to rage. My kids were pretty traumatized as her behavior got worse and my husband found her impossible to be around. She would stop speaking to me for many months every time I set boundaries.

Now we have a distant, but cordial relationship. She cycles back to reaching out, I am polite, but have on my emotional armor. Inevitably she rages at me at some point, I set boundaries, and she stops talking to me again.

I am told she tells people I cut her off. I can't control what she says. All I can do is protect myself and my family. I am told by a sibling that it is not dementia, but that same sibling has her funding a lot so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me a while to process the things my parent did and said the last time I visited. When I started to process it I realized how bad it was. Really bad. But maybe my parent isn’t drawing the connection between what went on during my visit and my decision that the relationship is over. Not even “over”, more likely was always fake. My realization that this parent actually doesn’t even like me. Or my kids.

I relate to this and wondered if I wrote it, but in my case it’s just my mother.

[Anonymous]

Did they really “cut you off,” OP? Or did they highlight some basic boundaries and you chose not to stay within them?

Have you tried to communicate with them? In what way? What did you say?

Did you or they suggest family therapy to try and repair the rift? Did anyone refuse to participate? Who was that person?

Adult children don’t just wake up one day and decide to sever their relationship with their parent(s). Tell us what happened before they stopped speaking to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you attempt to reconnect with them, or would you just ignore them?

Personally, I would do everything to reconnect, apologize, clear up issues and improve relations. Do take a few days so before you talk, everyone had time to cool off and analyze the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d never give up on my children.

But, I’d have to strike a balance between respecting their need for space with wanting to make sure I’ve done everything I can to repair the relationship.

Operationally, this means I would never change my phone number or address. I’d make sure I’m easy to contact and easy to find if they changed their mind.

And I would reach out once or twice a year (maybe on their birthday or Christmas or both), probably in writing, and probably through the Mail, saying I love them and will always love them and will do whatever it takes to have a relationship with them.

I would also try to maintain contact with any person who is still in touch with my child (eg-another relative). And would keep that line of communication open in case my child wanted to share anything with me via back channels (and vice versa, assuming the relative and my child were receptive).

I agree with most of this except the last part, which I think while well-meaning is dysfunctional and problematic. That is triangulating an innocent person into your problems with your adult child. You can and should maintain those relationships, but nobody can be your spy or go-between. If your child wants a relationship with you, there should be no back channels. Do not ask for information on your child or expect somebody to be a mediator. It is is your problem, not theirs. If you need help navigating go to a therapist for ideas.