Reply to How would you react if your middle-aged adult child cut you off?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’d never give up on my children.

But, I’d have to strike a balance between respecting their need for space with wanting to make sure I’ve done everything I can to repair the relationship.

Operationally, this means I would never change my phone number or address. I’d make sure I’m easy to contact and easy to find  if they changed their mind.

And I would reach out once or twice a year (maybe on their birthday or Christmas or both), probably in writing, and probably through the Mail, saying I love them and will always love them and will do whatever it takes to have a relationship with them.

[b]I would also try to maintain contact with any person who is still in touch with my child (eg-another relative). And would keep that line of communication open in case my child wanted to share anything with me via back channels (and vice versa, assuming the relative and my child were receptive).[/b][/quote]

I agree with most of this except the last part, which I think while well-meaning is dysfunctional and problematic. That is triangulating an innocent person into your problems with your adult child. You can and should maintain those relationships, but nobody can be your spy or go-between. If your child wants a relationship with you, there should be no back channels. Do not ask for information on your child or expect somebody to be a mediator. It is is your problem, not theirs. If you need help navigating go to a therapist for ideas. [/quote]

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