Anyone else hate playdates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the only parents that like them of those that have a single child

Not necessarily. My kids ask to have friends over a lot, so we do (even though I’m an introvert and working parent and all the other reasons not to).

Agree with the PP who said kids get something different from playdates than they do from aftercare or organized activities. They learn how to host and/or be a good guest, so I personally find value in it. If you don’t, that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

I always hated the American concept of "playdate". It is an unnatural construct where one-on-one exclusionary play is the norm and it encourages mean behavior.

In my culture (Asian), we are used to a bunch of kids playing inclusively and the moms/parents also hang around with each other to keep an "eye" on how their kids are behaving. No kids are turned away of they want to join. Of course, a lot of healthy snacks/food and beverages is served for all. Most of the time, the playtime happened organically and spontaneously. My house and yard was setup for hosting.

I pretty much stuck to my Asian culture even if my kids friends were Americans. I did not expect or get much reciprocity and that was ok by me. I made sure that my kids got a lot of socialization and were connected to their roots. At some point they noticed that many of their friends were not reciprocating or were not hospitable but that did not make them upset or angry. It just made them appreciate our traditions a lot more.

[Anonymous]

Many people are asssholes and I don’t care to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always hated the American concept of "playdate". It is an unnatural construct where one-on-one exclusionary play is the norm and it encourages mean behavior.

In my culture (Asian), we are used to a bunch of kids playing inclusively and the moms/parents also hang around with each other to keep an "eye" on how their kids are behaving. No kids are turned away of they want to join. Of course, a lot of healthy snacks/food and beverages is served for all. Most of the time, the playtime happened organically and spontaneously. My house and yard was setup for hosting.

I pretty much stuck to my Asian culture even if my kids friends were Americans. I did not expect or get much reciprocity and that was ok by me. I made sure that my kids got a lot of socialization and were connected to their roots. At some point they noticed that many of their friends were not reciprocating or were not hospitable but that did not make them upset or angry. It just made them appreciate our traditions a lot more.

I’m Asian and did that too. We also have 1:1 play dates. 1:1 doesn’t mean exclusionary. It just means focusing on one relationship at a time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always hated the American concept of "playdate". It is an unnatural construct where one-on-one exclusionary play is the norm and it encourages mean behavior.

In my culture (Asian), we are used to a bunch of kids playing inclusively and the moms/parents also hang around with each other to keep an "eye" on how their kids are behaving. No kids are turned away of they want to join. Of course, a lot of healthy snacks/food and beverages is served for all. Most of the time, the playtime happened organically and spontaneously. My house and yard was setup for hosting.

I pretty much stuck to my Asian culture even if my kids friends were Americans. I did not expect or get much reciprocity and that was ok by me. I made sure that my kids got a lot of socialization and were connected to their roots. At some point they noticed that many of their friends were not reciprocating or were not hospitable but that did not make them upset or angry. It just made them appreciate our traditions a lot more.

I’m Asian and did that too. We also have 1:1 play dates. 1:1 doesn’t mean exclusionary. It just means focusing on one relationship at a time

+1, a 1:1 playdate does not need to be about excluding. It can actually be inclusive-- sometimes we do play dates with new neighbors or new kids at school, specifically to get to know them and let them know they are welcome in the community. It can be daunting for a new child to make friends at recess or aftercare, but if they can get to know one kid a bit better one on one, it gets easier.

Play dates are also a way for parents to help each other. Many of our playdates happen because parents need childcare and can't find a sitter or it's cost prohibitive. Last year my DD had a standing playdate with a friend while the friend's parents attended a weekly counseling session. It's a form of support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always hated the American concept of "playdate". It is an unnatural construct where one-on-one exclusionary play is the norm and it encourages mean behavior.

In my culture (Asian), we are used to a bunch of kids playing inclusively and the moms/parents also hang around with each other to keep an "eye" on how their kids are behaving. No kids are turned away of they want to join. Of course, a lot of healthy snacks/food and beverages is served for all. Most of the time, the playtime happened organically and spontaneously. My house and yard was setup for hosting.

I pretty much stuck to my Asian culture even if my kids friends were Americans. I did not expect or get much reciprocity and that was ok by me. I made sure that my kids got a lot of socialization and were connected to their roots. At some point they noticed that many of their friends were not reciprocating or were not hospitable but that did not make them upset or angry. It just made them appreciate our traditions a lot more.

Korean kids also have a concept called wangda: the designated loser of a group. Kind of like a kid who’s bullied except it’s more sanctioned, like the untouchables in India but not a formal caste. Just because a kid is “included” in a group doesn’t mean everyone’s kind. Every race has its own version of meanness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the only parents that like them of those that have a single child

I don't know that I 100% agree with this but I see your point. We definitely tend to get more playdate invites to our friends who have only children (or children whose siblings are way older or younger) than we do from families with multiple kids. I live on a street with a lot of similar aged kids and my kids are only two years apart so they always have playmates around. So its not that I don't like having playdates, I just don't need them for entertainment and socialization. If my kids have specifically asked to have a child over, I'm happy to do it and 9 times out of 10, they go outside and the whole block is playing together.

For those with 2+ kids who get along, being invited to a playdate without the sibling actually makes things more difficult as their built-in playmate is gone. Most of our close friends always invite both boys but I would not expect that for classmates we don't know as well.

[Anonymous]

I don't think they will mess your kid up socially if you don't do them. But they can be helpful for some kids. We moved to a close-knit community during COVID where we didn't know anyone. Playdates helped my DD form some closer friendships and helped us get to know a few families. Even when they are drop-off there was still 10-15 minutes of chatting while dropping off or picking up. I think there is something to spending 1:1 time with someone that can help form a closer bond that doesn't always happen at activities or aftercare.

We don't do a ton of playdates because they can be hard to schedule with activities and family commitments but I'll try to plan something during holiday breaks or when theres a random day off. We do more spontaneous playdates with neighborhood kids and those can be a lifesaver on a rainy weekend when we don't have much going on.

Don't host with any expectation of reciprocity. Every week there is a post on DCUM about someone upset that their hosting is not being reciprocated. Just host how frequently you are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

A playdate just means having a friend over... some people think that's... bad? Also, you can have 2-3 friends over, and I'd still call it a playdate. Once kids get to MS and have phones, can walk or bike longer distances, they can schedule them by themselves. For better or worse, it's not that easy to just have kids "hang out with some adults," unless there's a local playground or something (which we've also done but sometimes you end up seeing other kids, sometimes you don't - I guess the pool works for this in the summer, which we also love), in part because of activity schedules, not as many SAHPs or local grandparents etc.

[Anonymous]

You're maybe doing them wrong? Playdates are great because you have two hours to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Really depends on age. Playdates are great for my 4th grader who is independent, I don't need to do anything and keeps my kid occupied for a few hours. For my preschooler, I dread as parents stick around, need to host/make chichat.

[Anonymous]

On snow days I used to call one or two families to see if their kid wanted to join my kid for a playdate. One time with flurry of calls inviting and getting invited, ended up with like 4-5 kids at my house. They were very cute, and played well together. Easy way to keep your kid entertained. I called the low-drama classmates.

[Anonymous]

I have a rambunctious little boy with rambunctious little friends. So I do not really enjoy play dates unless they are sitting down for a snack and I get to listen in on their conversations (very cute). So I leave a lot of the play date supervision and nerf fights to our nanny. I’m sure a lot of people like having their kids coming over our place to play because a lot of DCs friends have SAHP, and I’m actually fine with that since the nanny supervises.

I prefer spontaneous play dates rather than planned ones. And I also don’t find the need for weekly play dates unless it somehow makes your life easier schedule wise. If you want to pull back your kid will be just fine, DC sees kids all the time at recess school and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always hated the American concept of "playdate". It is an unnatural construct where one-on-one exclusionary play is the norm and it encourages mean behavior.

In my culture (Asian), we are used to a bunch of kids playing inclusively and the moms/parents also hang around with each other to keep an "eye" on how their kids are behaving. No kids are turned away of they want to join. Of course, a lot of healthy snacks/food and beverages is served for all. Most of the time, the playtime happened organically and spontaneously. My house and yard was setup for hosting.

I pretty much stuck to my Asian culture even if my kids friends were Americans. I did not expect or get much reciprocity and that was ok by me. I made sure that my kids got a lot of socialization and were connected to their roots. At some point they noticed that many of their friends were not reciprocating or were not hospitable but that did not make them upset or angry. It just made them appreciate our traditions a lot more.

This is such a weird take. I lived in China for many years so I get the concept of collectivist vs individualistic culture, but the idea that any sort of 1:1 time between humans is “American” and necessarily exclusionary in nature is just weird and seems wrong to me. Do you have an open marriage, too? When is it allowed, in your opinion, to cultivate individual relationships, or is that never appropriate? Usually others aren’t even aware a play date between two kids is happening except the two involved. Except in rare cases of mean kids who will find other situations in which to be mean, play dates really truly are not about exclusion. I think you just misunderstand or are projecting a dislike of American culture onto playdates.