Is this rude of MIL?

[Anonymous]

1. Your mother and MILs phone relationship is theirs to sort out; ignore it entirely, it’s not possible for it to be rude to you.

2. Not being able to help much/expecting to be looked after is pretty common in 80-year-olds even in good health and tbh they’ve generally earned it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a ton of work to host them! Give yourself space to be exhausted and cranky about having to host a guest who needs a lot of hosting (and was sick for a week further taxing your hostess duties!); you can love your MIL and be cranky and exhausted about hosting duties.

3. Does your husband often go on long business trips? How much notice did he get for this one? I think it was silly of him to schedule the trip and visit and the same time and you should talk to him about that — his mother sounds like she really wants to see him so he should try to be home when she’s there.

(But seriously, OP. You’re okay to be stressed! Hosting in laws (or anyone) for months at a time is exhausting, even without all the other compounding factors.)

[Anonymous]

What is your husband doing? Taking care of his second family, hm?

Next time you put your foot down. It's not OK to dump his MIL on you for that long. Or, to be present but not lift a finger. Because maybe that's what he'd do as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I will take it whole heartedly. I think I’m annoyed because my husband invited his mom and has not been here for a month. All the work is falling on me. It’s not fair. She worships the ground he walks upon so even though he is missing he can do know wrong in her mind and has a valid reason.

My own mother did not say anything on the other side of country. she did mention that she was visiting my Dad’s older sister who mentioned that my mother-in-law calls all the time. The backstory is is that my maternal aunt’s grandson is married to my my mother-in-law’s grand daughter as in my husband’s niece. So my mother-in-law calls my maternal aunt who is her grand daughter’s, father-in-law’s mom and she cannot even pick up the phone and call my Dad or Mom? Anyways, I’m being petty. Thanks for calling me out on this. I should redirect my annoyance at my husband or just he less annoyed in life.

I can't believe I just read this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I will take it whole heartedly. I think I’m annoyed because my husband invited his mom and has not been here for a month. All the work is falling on me. It’s not fair. She worships the ground he walks upon so even though he is missing he can do know wrong in her mind and has a valid reason.

My own mother did not say anything on the other side of country. she did mention that she was visiting my Dad’s older sister who mentioned that my mother-in-law calls all the time. The backstory is is that my maternal aunt’s grandson is married to my my mother-in-law’s grand daughter as in my husband’s niece. So my mother-in-law calls my maternal aunt who is her grand daughter’s, father-in-law’s mom and she cannot even pick up the phone and call my Dad or Mom? Anyways, I’m being petty. Thanks for calling me out on this. I should redirect my annoyance at my husband or just he less annoyed in life.

I can't believe I just read this.

+1

The enmeshing is beyond.

[Anonymous]

That is a hard situation—hosting your MIL who doesn’t help very much—for a month by yourself. And the other month with your DH there is still hard because you’re probably doing most of the work. After a couple of weeks, I’d be running for the hills—but I’m not much of a host.

Take care of yourself—walk outside, see friends, whatever makes you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I will take it whole heartedly. I think I’m annoyed because my husband invited his mom and has not been here for a month. All the work is falling on me. It’s not fair. She worships the ground he walks upon so even though he is missing he can do know wrong in her mind and has a valid reason.

My own mother did not say anything on the other side of country. she did mention that she was visiting my Dad’s older sister who mentioned that my mother-in-law calls all the time. The backstory is is that my maternal aunt’s grandson is married to my my mother-in-law’s grand daughter as in my husband’s niece. So my mother-in-law calls my maternal aunt who is her grand daughter’s, father-in-law’s mom and she cannot even pick up the phone and call my Dad or Mom? Anyways, I’m being petty. Thanks for calling me out on this. I should redirect my annoyance at my husband or just he less annoyed in life.

WTF?????? This is cockamamy. Your husband is an ass for leaving you for a month, your family is f'd up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My own mother did not say anything on the other side of country. she did mention that she was visiting my Dad’s older sister who mentioned that my mother-in-law calls all the time. The backstory is is that my maternal aunt’s grandson is married to my my mother-in-law’s grand daughter as in my husband’s niece. So my mother-in-law calls my maternal aunt who is her grand daughter’s, father-in-law’s mom and she cannot even pick up the phone and call my Dad or Mom? Anyways, I’m being petty. Thanks for calling me out on this. I should redirect my annoyance at my husband or just he less annoyed in life.

Who cares who you think she should be closer to? She evidently is friends with your aunt, and not so much with your mom.

[Anonymous]

I think you are displacing your anger. You are mad at being left home alone to take care of your mil. She was sick, so my guess is that you feel like you cannot expect her to do much - but the one thing she could do to make you happy is call your parents. So - perhaps remind her they called while she was sick and ask her to call them.

But the bigger issue is really your husband. Does he really need to be traveling for a month while your mil is visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you desi? Guessing from the convoluted in-law extended relationships and the 2-month visit

My mom and MIL call each other periodically but I don't keep track of when they talk. Maybe every few weeks? or months? Neither seems bothered if it's been a while. If your mom wants to hear from MIL, she can always call again. Doesn't need to wait for the call-back from when MIL was sick.

Last point - it's crappy if DH invited MIL knowing he's going to be gone for work. Talk to him about that and make sure he knows not to do that again.

Exactly what I was thinking!

[Anonymous]

Why would your MIL be staying with you for 2 months? Why would you not change the tickets when you found out DH would be gone for half of it?

[Anonymous]

OP: My fellow desis guessed correctly.

Yes, agree this is displaced anger. Thanks for letting me vent and for the constructive feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing I think is most off is the timing of her trip if DH would be gone for a month.

The calling thing wouldn’t even cross my mind. My parents got along well with my in laws but they never communicated independently.

This! Totally unacceptable. Well, for me, a 2 month visit would be totally unacceptable at any time, but I know some people feel differently.

Yep. My MIL visited for a week earlier this month and even my husband wanted to kick her out after a few days.

We moved across the country to Seattle when I was 7 months pregnant. Literally didn't know a single person in the city. My MIL came a week before the due date to 'help out.'

She literally did nothing every day except ask what was for dinner, drink a bottle of wine each night, and complain loudly about any TV show she didn't pick.

The straw that broke the camel's back was 4 days after the birth of my son. She 'vetoed' my request for Thai take out because she 'doesn't care for rice.'

I sent her home 24 hours later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I will take it whole heartedly. I think I’m annoyed because my husband invited his mom and has not been here for a month. All the work is falling on me. It’s not fair. She worships the ground he walks upon so even though he is missing he can do know wrong in her mind and has a valid reason.

My own mother did not say anything on the other side of country. she did mention that she was visiting my Dad’s older sister who mentioned that my mother-in-law calls all the time. The backstory is is that my maternal aunt’s grandson is married to my my mother-in-law’s grand daughter as in my husband’s niece. So my mother-in-law calls my maternal aunt who is her grand daughter’s, father-in-law’s mom and she cannot even pick up the phone and call my Dad or Mom? Anyways, I’m being petty. Thanks for calling me out on this. I should redirect my annoyance at my husband or just he less annoyed in life.

Ohhhh now it all makes sense.

Just kidding. What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback. I will take it whole heartedly. I think I’m annoyed because my husband invited his mom and has not been here for a month. All the work is falling on me. It’s not fair. She worships the ground he walks upon so even though he is missing he can do know wrong in her mind and has a valid reason.

My own mother did not say anything on the other side of country. she did mention that she was visiting my Dad’s older sister who mentioned that my mother-in-law calls all the time. The backstory is is that my maternal aunt’s grandson is married to my my mother-in-law’s grand daughter as in my husband’s niece. So my mother-in-law calls my maternal aunt who is her grand daughter’s, father-in-law’s mom and she cannot even pick up the phone and call my Dad or Mom? Anyways, I’m being petty. Thanks for calling me out on this. I should redirect my annoyance at my husband or just he less annoyed in life.

I can't believe I just read this.

I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate

[Anonymous]

I don't get what you are upset about other than a 2 month visit.