would you pick your kid up for lunch on the first day of school?

[Anonymous]

Do not pick her up. And try to encourage her to avoid elevating popular kids above “needier” kids such that she only seeks our nerdier kids after she is ousted by the popular kids. It shouldn’t surprise her that the kids she thinks are nerds aren’t super psyched to welcome her into their group.

The meek shall inherit the earth and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I forgot to mention this in my original post but one of the girls who was bullying her almost got expelled (for something unrelated) and is switching schools to our zoned school. It is a large public school, and my daughter already has friends at this school because she used to go to public, but would this give you pause?

It sounds like the school did address the bully, even if the final straw that led to her being cancelled out was something else. I would encourage her be open to the possibility that this is going to change the dynamic at her current school.

[Anonymous]

To me, the apathetic counselor + principal who supports the bully (are her parents big donors?) = get your kid out of there. It's a small environment and unlikely to get better.

If SHE wants to stay (not the parent pushing it because it's convenient and there are vague rumors about the public HS) then I'd probably be supportive for a bit -- encourage her to try lunch in the library, join an activity the bullies aren't involved in, etc. Also have her see a counselor (not connected to the school) to monitor her mental health and help navigate the situation and be open to encouraging a school change if things do not get better.

[Anonymous]

I would never pay a private school money for my child to be treated this way, nor would I make her start another school year in this horrid situation. I’d move her to public (moving homes if necessary) or another private school. There is nothing more important than a child’s health - both physical and mental.

PS - are you sure there aren’t a nice group of honors track kids at her current public option?

[Anonymous]

You are paying tens of thousands of dollars to be in an unhealthy environment. What lesson is that for her?

Get her out of there. Don’t give it a try.

Get her counseling.

[Anonymous]

Two out of three of her main bullies are leaving-the one we talked to the principal about got accepted into a better school (And for the one who asked, her parents are big donors, she's a lifer, and her mom works at the school so yes, there is favoritism), and the other is switching schools because she was almost suspended. Quite a few kids are leaving for different high schools. It is going to be different.

And I will admit, I have been pushing her to attend this school out of convenience. I like driving two kids to the same school and I like that my youngest isn't falling through the cracks like she was in her public school. Even if there wasn't bullying, my oldest misses being around the kids that's she's known since kindergarten and wants a more traditional large high school experience. I'm not going to pick her up on the first day (she came to this conclusion on her own and has decided that if she gets picked up on the first day, she won't know what to do on the second). However, we are going to play this week by week and month by month. I don't know if she is going to finish the school year at this private and I don't know if she will be graduating from here.

[Anonymous]

I would see if there were some new kids joining that she could meet before the first day of school. I know our schools is happy to connect new families with existing families. Also talk to her about whether there is a teacher's classroom or library she could consider for lunch if all else fails. Maybe it would make her feel better to have a backup plan. But no you shouldn't pick her up. She's going to have to deal with this herself.

I feel you OP. My DD is in middle school at a small private and the social scene is not working out and we're considering trying to transfer but all the other options would be much less convenient. Its tough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would see if there were some new kids joining that she could meet before the first day of school. I know our schools is happy to connect new families with existing families. Also talk to her about whether there is a teacher's classroom or library she could consider for lunch if all else fails. Maybe it would make her feel better to have a backup plan. But no you shouldn't pick her up. She's going to have to deal with this herself.

I feel you OP. My DD is in middle school at a small private and the social scene is not working out and we're considering trying to transfer but all the other options would be much less convenient. Its tough!

Oh, hugs to you, PP. I hope that this coming school year is better for both of our daughters.

[Anonymous]

If there has been significant turnover, it seems possible to social groups will get mixed up enough she's got a chance. And taking away the queen bee can cause hive collapse, so to speak, among the mean girls groups.

That said, it sounds like she'd really rather be at the local public, and I would probably let her. Presumably they have bus service, so you wouldn't be driving anymore than you are not to have one in public and one in private.

Before I let her move I would talk to her about how the social groups there have likely shifted since she was last there, and it's not going to be exactly like she remembers. It won't be like being entirely new, but in some ways it *will* be like being the new kid. Returning to an old school (or school system) is hard in its own ways, and I'd want to make sure she's not idealizing it but is making an informed choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you pick her up for lunch the first day, how will the second day be different?

I am sensitive to kids feeling left out, but picking her up on the first day doesn't accomplish anything. You need to push the counselor to do more (lunch bunch, etc), support your child in coming up with lunch plans, and/or switch schools.

“Lunch bunch” in HIGH SCHOOL?

Good Lord, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I forgot to mention this in my original post but one of the girls who was bullying her almost got expelled (for something unrelated) and is switching schools to our zoned school. It is a large public school, and my daughter already has friends at this school because she used to go to public, but would this give you pause?

Presumably the public school is several times bigger than the small private, so no.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you switched your kid to a small private K-12 for middle school. How, exactly, did you think it would go, OP? Middle school is the WORST time to start private school. I can't believe you didn't think about that. Your poor child and the horrible situation you put her in. Switch her to public ASAP.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry to read your post. I feel for her as after the shutdown, it took my DS a minute to find his people (he started a new school during the shutdown and did not go in knowing anyone) and during that time it sucked but he wasn't being bullied so that layered on top has to be hard. I hope she finds her group soon - it all starts with one person.

All that said, I also wouldn't pick her up for lunch. It won't help matters and will only prevent her from potentially meeting someone to sit with. She has to work through it. She should join things like clubs (are there lunch clubs? those really help when you don't have people to sit with at lunch), band/instrument/choir, arts/performing arts, sports etc. to try to find kids with similar interests.

It might not be a bad idea to look into another school, even your local public. Also, do the privates about 25 minutes away have a bus system? Reach out to them if so - that's about what we drive because of traffic (if there were no traffic, we would be there a lot faster, DC's school is not that far away) and that extra drive would be worth it to be out of the situation you describe.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not. I know how hard it is and you feel for your daughter but she will figure it out. If she doesn’t find a friends group will you pick her up everyday till she finds one? It will be ok. My daughter is on the nerdier side too. There are more of them than cool kids. She will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Two out of three of her main bullies are leaving-the one we talked to the principal about got accepted into a better school (And for the one who asked, her parents are big donors, she's a lifer, and her mom works at the school so yes, there is favoritism), and the other is switching schools because she was almost suspended. Quite a few kids are leaving for different high schools. It is going to be different.

And I will admit, I have been pushing her to attend this school out of convenience. I like driving two kids to the same school and I like that my youngest isn't falling through the cracks like she was in her public school. Even if there wasn't bullying, my oldest misses being around the kids that's she's known since kindergarten and wants a more traditional large high school experience. I'm not going to pick her up on the first day (she came to this conclusion on her own and has decided that if she gets picked up on the first day, she won't know what to do on the second). However, we are going to play this week by week and month by month. I don't know if she is going to finish the school year at this private and I don't know if she will be graduating from here.

I think that if 2/3 of the problem kids are leaving, it's worth another try.

I also think that it might make sense to decide how long you're going to try. So, say "We're going to try as hard as we can to make this work, and then at the end of the quarter (or semester) we'll sit down and decide if you want to go back, or try public." I think that will give her a motivation to try, and also not make her feel like she's stuck there for ever.