would you pick your kid up for lunch on the first day of school?

[Anonymous]

My rising ninth grader is in between friend groups. She had some good friends but then her friend moved away, the friend group broke up (the other girls got accepted by the popular group and my daughter didn't) and my DD was being bullied at the beginning of the year which prevented her from making friends. Her bully has been telling people in the popular group not to hang out with her. There are two girls that have talked about wanting to befriend her but not wanting to make the queen bee mad.

My daughter tried to befriend a group of kids known for being on the nerdier side because she was getting to know two girls in this group. She started sitting with them at lunch and the other kids in that group have been spreading rumors about my daughter. One of them literally jumps when my daughter walks into a room. My daughter had to start hanging out with some kids in the grade below her but when she starts high school, she will lose opportunities to hang out with them (they were all in an elective together).

She has been very worried about this school year. She is at a small K-12 private. We have tried talking to the counselor who basically said "Oh, I'm sure things will get better in high school" and hasn't done anything. We even talked to the principal about the rumors who said "Well, I've known Larla since she was little. She is a good kid who wouldn't gossip about you. Maybe she is telling the truth and your daughter is the problem."

Our zoned school is full of drug problems and is frequently on lockdown. I don't want my kid to go there but if things don't improve it might be our only option since the other privates in my city are all 25-45 minutes away. My younger kid loves the school, and I wouldn't be able to drive them both.

My daughter is very worried about the first day and wants me to pick her up for lunch on the first day if she doesn't find a group to sit with. Would you?

[Anonymous]

If you pick her up for lunch the first day, how will the second day be different?

I am sensitive to kids feeling left out, but picking her up on the first day doesn't accomplish anything. You need to push the counselor to do more (lunch bunch, etc), support your child in coming up with lunch plans, and/or switch schools.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't.

What I might do is ask guidance or admissions if there is some kind of role welcoming new kids she could take that might lead to her sitting with them.

[Anonymous]

No. I have to go to work and it wouldn’t help the situation because she might want you to do it everyday.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not pick her up for lunch in this situation. I think that you need to figure out a way to help her either exist comfortably at this school or else truly explore the possibility of her going to a different one if the school is so toxic for her.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't as it doesn't solve the situation. If she is struggling to find a group to sit with can she hang out in the library/band room at lunch? She may find other kids there.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Lean into this OP. She has to go through the discomfort, not skirt it.

[Anonymous]

I used to go to the library during lunch and got way ahead on my homework. I liked it because I had less books to bring home and more personal free time.

[Anonymous]

I would not pick her up but I would get her out of that toxic school. She needs a fresh start somewhere else.

FWIW I worried about our zoned public HS because I heard stories about the drugs in the bathrooms, kids having sex on the stairwells, overcrowded spaces. But my 2nd just graduated and both kids had a good experience there. Had mostly great teachers, got involved in extracurriculars, made new friends, and were well prepared for college. So from this vantage point I wouldn't put a lot of stock in rumors of "drug problems." These days EVERY HS has issues with drugs for some students. I'm sure they are at this private school too.

[Anonymous]

Hard no. Sorry. Mom of 3 nearly grown DC and
military brat who was the New Girl more often than not. Help her develop coping and social skills.

[Anonymous]

Yup. Hard NO.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be harder for her on day 2, because by retreating on day 1, the mean girls would have the ability to entrench their position. Unless you can take her AND a friend out to eat that first day, she’s better off staying at school and trying to stake a place.

I have no experience with private schools in general, let alone yours specifically. Is there a way she could get together with some of the more sympathetic girls over the summer to firm up friendships? Even one friend makes a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live? We might be able to give you information on your local public school.
It might be a better option for your kid

[Anonymous]

Chiming in to say I would work on switching schools. It sounds like she’s really tried to push herself out of her comfort zone and these multiple rejections can really take their toll on mental health. I’m in agreement with another poster that perhaps the public school isn’t as bad as the rumors you are hearing. The public my kids are zoned for doesn’t have the best reputation and it’s highly exaggerated- especially by people who don’t have kids at the school.