My mom is embarrassing me. Help.

[Anonymous]

FWIW - for everyone saying the friend could say no - it would be very awkward and imposing to even put me in that position as the friend. Of course I have agency and I'm adult - but to all the "use your words" ppl - maybe don't be rude and ungracious and ask for things that you shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

I get the annoyance. It's a "give an inch and she takes a mile" incident.

I have done favors of this kind for friends and their family. And the extra asks are sometimes minor but sometimes not. I'd say yes to the request but still feel put upon. As it's a favor, please don't put me in a position where you're trying to impose even more and put the onus on me to say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP.

I hate to say it but I would be so mortified and furious that I'd cancel the trip. Not only because she's rude af but moreso because she keeps going behind your back and doing the opposite of what you asked AND sharing how you feel about it to your friend.

I wouldn't even be up for a visit at that point. Not only is she incredibly rude and obnoxious - but she also undermined you and manipulated the situation to get her way. Just GROSS.

Op. This is exactly how I feel. How she went behind my back to get her way made me feel terrible. Then when I confronted her about it she rolled her eyes like I was overreacting, and told me to stop trying to control the situation.

The aunt wound up getting a hotel, but I already feel like they resent me for the inconvenience that there’s a huge house sitting there empty that was offered for her to stay in but I got in the way.

[Anonymous]

I agree, OP. It is YOUR relationship with YOUR friend, and mom should have been sensitive to that. Presumably, the friend is doing you a favor, and your mom is interfering into what is an arrangement between you and your friend.

All that said, my reaction would depend on whether this is a pattern with your mom or a one off…

[Anonymous]

Stupid arrangement to have you mom even staying there. She should have stayed in a hotel rather than mooching off your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that sounds out of line to me. Id be embarrassed too. Your friend is doing you a favor and your mom is taking advantage at this point.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is right. It has nothing to do with you. The friend allowed her to stay and the friend is more than able to put up boundaries where needed.

I am the type who would welcome a friend's mom and if she wanted to bring her sister and well behaved dog, I'd be all for it. It doesn't sound like your mom is being demanding or rude. She has clarified all her requests with her host, which is more than some people's own parents do when staying with them.

What are you so embarrassed about? I'm sure if your friend felt that your mom was overstepping, she would probably ask you to intervene. She hasn't. These are two adults who are communicating respectfully and effectively. Butt out!

Kids and dogs are the same in that people consider their own well behaved. I could see this leading to an additional post from the friend about how she opened up her house to a friend's relatives and now they won't help pay for the dog pee on the carpet, scratch marks on the door and the chunk taken out of the leather sofa. Asking to bring a pet into a situation like this is rude and presumptuous.

[Anonymous]

This should be the last time for this arrangement. Talk with your friend after she is back in her home and your mother is back in her own, and let your friend know that you are not going to have your mother stay for such a long period ever again.

[Anonymous]

And thank her profusely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you not trust your friend to say no if she’s uncomfortable with having guests or pets in her home?

Stop trying to manage this.

I feel like it’s awkward to say no to someone’s mom, and it was nervy to ask in the first place.

Agreed. Mom overstepped. Not only is mom expecting to bring in additional guests she herself is a guest in but also bringing in a dog. The friend could be really put off by this and just not saying anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is right. It has nothing to do with you. The friend allowed her to stay and the friend is more than able to put up boundaries where needed.

I am the type who would welcome a friend's mom and if she wanted to bring her sister and well behaved dog, I'd be all for it. It doesn't sound like your mom is being demanding or rude. She has clarified all her requests with her host, which is more than some people's own parents do when staying with them.

What are you so embarrassed about? I'm sure if your friend felt that your mom was overstepping, she would probably ask you to intervene. She hasn't. These are two adults who are communicating respectfully and effectively. Butt out!

I disagree because the friend made this offer though her friend, the daughter.

If this was purely between friend and mom then friend would have reached out directly to mom, and not via the daughter.

This is grey area where it is better not to impose additional guests and pets etc… that is pushy of mom. For mom it is probably the norm because she functions in the world like this, but this is an opportunity that came by way of her daughter and as such for etiquette purposes she should defer to her daughters comfort zone in regards to boundaries etc…

[Anonymous]

Your friend sounds nice and like she gets it. It does not sound like she holds this against you, or that she’s bothered. If I were in her shoes, I would also be understanding because lots of moms are like this. Also, it’s nice to be able to do something nice for a friend’s mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't have imposed your mom on your friend in the first place. That was where you went wrong.

Agree. But, yes, if I ever got myself into this situation (I would not have), I would be embarrassed, too.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. I would be absolutely mortified too. And, I’d be royally peeved at my mother for NOT respecting MY boundary.

As I see it, your only recourse is to NOT invite her next Summer and explain very clearly WHY. She can have a major temper tantrum but you have to be firm and not cave.

My MIL is very similar to your mother. She ran roughshod on our boundaries for years until DH sat her down and calmly told her she was uninvited for the foreseeable future due to her rude behavior.

Well, guess what? Suddenly, she was able to respect our boundaries. It’s not that they can’t respect boundaries, it’s that they’re pushy and overbearing until they are told they can’t be. Exhausting!

Good luck