My mom is embarrassing me. Help.

[Anonymous]

My mom lives across the country, and she comes to visit us in the summer. It's cramped if she stays with us, so last summer my friend, who has a big beautiful house, said she could stay hers while she (my friend) at her second home. This was so nice of my friend, because it allows us to have space, and saves my mom money because she doesn't have to stay at an airbnb. last year it worked out well, so she's staying there again this summer.

My mom mentioned that her sister was going to drive down and come stay with her at the house for a few days. My first initial reaction was weird to have visitors when you're staying at someone's house, but then she assured me that she had asked my friend and friend had ok'd it. I said ok, I guess, but she cannot bring her dog or cat, so please tell her to leave the pets at home.

Today my mom mentions that she had talked to my friend earlier in the day to ask if my aunt can bring her dog. I was mortified. First, it's so inappropriate to ask to bring a pet when you're staying at someone's house, and secondly, she went behind me back to ask when I already told her it's out of the question. Then she gets defensive, saying it doesn't involve me, and that my friend had said of course it's ok (my friend has a dog that is currently with her at the second home and is fine with dogs) But even though my friend said it was fine, it embarrassed me and it seems like they are freeloading and taking advantage. It's my friendship, so therefore it does involve me.

Am I overreacting? I am so angry with her and don't even know how to handle.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Do you not trust your friend to say no if she’s uncomfortable with having guests or pets in her home?

Stop trying to manage this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you not trust your friend to say no if she’s uncomfortable with having guests or pets in her home?

Stop trying to manage this.

I feel like it’s awkward to say no to someone’s mom, and it was nervy to ask in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you not trust your friend to say no if she’s uncomfortable with having guests or pets in her home?

Stop trying to manage this.

I feel like it’s awkward to say no to someone’s mom, and it was nervy to ask in the first place.

Again, you’re trying to manage another adult. Your friend is grown adult who is perfectly capable of saying no to someone. Stop projecting your own lack of confidence onto someone else.

[Anonymous]

Yeah that sounds out of line to me. Id be embarrassed too. Your friend is doing you a favor and your mom is taking advantage at this point.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's not entirely fine, even if your friend really is 100% OK with it (and you'll never know if she is or not).

But it's useless trying to reason with your mother, because there are people in this world who do not understand the subtleties of who gets to ask what in a unbalanced relationship. My husband is one of these people (he has high-functioning autism), and he believes he can ask for anything, because people can always say no. He doesn't understand that others might feel awkward at having to tell him no, and that they might prefer not to be asked in the first place. It's a grey area, and hard to explain, because each situation is different and I can't point to a straightforward rule he can memorize.

So you have my sympathies, OP. All you can do is trust that your friend speaks up for herself and doesn't resent you just because you are the link between you three.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't have imposed your mom on your friend in the first place. That was where you went wrong.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is a grown woman. She knows you can't control your mom. She could have said no pets. She can say your mom can't stay next summer. Just send your friend flowers or something after your mom leaves, with a thank you card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's not entirely fine, even if your friend really is 100% OK with it (and you'll never know if she is or not).

But it's useless trying to reason with your mother, because there are people in this world who do not understand the subtleties of who gets to ask what in a unbalanced relationship. My husband is one of these people (he has high-functioning autism), and he believes he can ask for anything, because people can always say no. He doesn't understand that others might feel awkward at having to tell him no, and that they might prefer not to be asked in the first place. It's a grey area, and hard to explain, because each situation is different and I can't point to a straightforward rule he can memorize.

So you have my sympathies, OP. All you can do is trust that your friend speaks up for herself and doesn't resent you just because you are the link between you three.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

It was very rude of your mom to ask. Adding a guest was already pushing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you not trust your friend to say no if she’s uncomfortable with having guests or pets in her home?

Stop trying to manage this.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Collect $$ from your mom and aunt to pay for professional cleaners once they finally vacate the place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you not trust your friend to say no if she’s uncomfortable with having guests or pets in her home?

Stop trying to manage this.

So the mom can ask for anything she wants and it’s not rude because the friend can simply say no? Maybe the mom should ask if she can live there year round! Or if she can paint the bedroom!

I would be embarrassed too, OP, your mom is being an ungracious guest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah that sounds out of line to me. Id be embarrassed too. Your friend is doing you a favor and your mom is taking advantage at this point.

+1
I'd also tell your mom that she's embarrassing you and next summer if she wants to come she must stay somewhere else. I don't trust my mom in these situations either. She's demonstrated that she will embarrass me. (Her form of embarrassment is different though. She drags unwilling victims into political discussions and goes on about how great Trump is and how unfairly he's being treated. Most of my friends are center leaning left, so this is really awkward). I actually just don't bring her around my friends at all anymore.