Is DH forgetful or is he purposefully lying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I wouldn't have thought of it either, because I'm not a pig who throws or pours trash out the window of a moving car. I honestly think more men would think to do this.

You should reflect on why you feel that he would have called you dumb had you understood to pour it out and done so. Does he often do that? Meaning, create a situation where you are wrong either way?

Neither of us are particularly like that either lol that’s part of why I’m perplexed. The only time I can think of either of us pouring liquid out of a car is at a stoplight and that is so infrequent. Never would either of us toss trash out.

But anyway, yes, DH will complain about a behavior and ask me to do XYZ instead, a week later I do XYZ, and he complains about it. It’s a regular occurrence, which is why I tried to explain to him that I asked how I should pour it out because in the past he’s complained regularly about me making assumptions and taking actions without asking him.

So that, to me, is getting into marriage counseling territory. That's no way to live. He shouldn't be nitpicking everything you do regardless of whether he has complained about it before. And him nitpicking you after he has complained about the opposite thing is potentially gaslighting. I think the telltale sign of this would be whether he acts like this in front of other people. If you're with family or friends when the same issue keeps occuring, does he still pull this number or is he suddenly consistent with attitudes that he's shown in front of the same people? If he does pull this, do people call him out, and how does he respond?

He does not do this in front of other people. He doesn’t say anything, or will say it in a way where others can’t hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would recommend not to engage at all. Simply shrug your shoulders and walk away. Gray rock. Seems like he’s deliberately picking fights so he could school you or assert dominance. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

OP here. Not a bad idea. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

So that's your answer. He knows what he's doing. He isn't just forgetful.

I wouldn't have thought of it either, because I'm not a pig who throws or pours trash out the window of a moving car. I honestly think more men would think to do this.

You should reflect on why you feel that he would have called you dumb had you understood to pour it out and done so. Does he often do that? Meaning, create a situation where you are wrong either way?

Neither of us are particularly like that either lol that’s part of why I’m perplexed. The only time I can think of either of us pouring liquid out of a car is at a stoplight and that is so infrequent. Never would either of us toss trash out.

But anyway, yes, DH will complain about a behavior and ask me to do XYZ instead, a week later I do XYZ, and he complains about it. It’s a regular occurrence, which is why I tried to explain to him that I asked how I should pour it out because in the past he’s complained regularly about me making assumptions and taking actions without asking him.

So that, to me, is getting into marriage counseling territory. That's no way to live. He shouldn't be nitpicking everything you do regardless of whether he has complained about it before. And him nitpicking you after he has complained about the opposite thing is potentially gaslighting. I think the telltale sign of this would be whether he acts like this in front of other people. If you're with family or friends when the same issue keeps occuring, does he still pull this number or is he suddenly consistent with attitudes that he's shown in front of the same people? If he does pull this, do people call him out, and how does he respond?

He does not do this in front of other people. He doesn’t say anything, or will say it in a way where others can’t hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I wouldn't have thought of it either, because I'm not a pig who throws or pours trash out the window of a moving car. I honestly think more men would think to do this.

You should reflect on why you feel that he would have called you dumb had you understood to pour it out and done so. Does he often do that? Meaning, create a situation where you are wrong either way?

Neither of us are particularly like that either lol that’s part of why I’m perplexed. The only time I can think of either of us pouring liquid out of a car is at a stoplight and that is so infrequent. Never would either of us toss trash out.

But anyway, yes, DH will complain about a behavior and ask me to do XYZ instead, a week later I do XYZ, and he complains about it. It’s a regular occurrence, which is why I tried to explain to him that I asked how I should pour it out because in the past he’s complained regularly about me making assumptions and taking actions without asking him.

So that, to me, is getting into marriage counseling territory. That's no way to live. He shouldn't be nitpicking everything you do regardless of whether he has complained about it before. And him nitpicking you after he has complained about the opposite thing is potentially gaslighting. I think the telltale sign of this would be whether he acts like this in front of other people. If you're with family or friends when the same issue keeps occuring, does he still pull this number or is he suddenly consistent with attitudes that he's shown in front of the same people? If he does pull this, do people call him out, and how does he respond?

He does not do this in front of other people. He doesn’t say anything, or will say it in a way where others can’t hear.

So that's your answer. He knows what he's doing. He isn't just forgetful.

(sorry, messed up formatting earlier)

[Anonymous]

He sounds abusive, frankly.

[Anonymous]

You all relationship has a weird dynamic. He sounds rude and verbally abusive and you sound exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:reading this was 3 mintues of my life i will never get back. you sound exhausting.

This!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you & I understand. I get the "be right or be happy," but you'll end up walking on eggshells to avoid setting him off.

For a twist, I'm your DH in this scenario (well, I'm actually the wife, but YKWIM). Married 30+ years, kids grown, and I only now can recognize myself in what you describe. When I was similarly pissy and confrontational with my spouse, it was 100% control issues and wanting not to feel stupid.

I don't know how to explain it except to say that, after many decades of marriage, we've worked through those early years of miscommunication - and I've apologized for my part in complicating our conversations. This isn't too say my DH was never complicit; he would absolutely misrepresent things, but it was never out of malice.

[Anonymous]

You both seem to be stuck in a negative pattern of trying to be right/win, not listening, & not respecting each other. It goes both ways…you wouldn’t have said what you said about the Vaseline if you weren’t trying to be “right.”

If you are interested in improving/changing the relationship, I’d go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

You two are stuck in a weird dance. There is no Silver Wedding Anniversary in your future.

[Anonymous]

Juice is bad for your child’s teeth. I would have thrown the juice out the window.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he's gaslighting you.