Women with high powered careers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

Do you have kids?
I’m a woman, and maybe this is different for men, but from the time I had my first child, raising my kids became my main job. My paid work is a far, far second.
I get special consideration because if my job interferes with raising my kids, then I’m out.
I’m not in a position where I am living paycheck to paycheck or I can’t get another job.

Yes I have kids and you’ve completely missed my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

Lawyer. SO SO many on this forum.

[Anonymous]

I can’t wait to get your referrals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

Do you have kids?
I’m a woman, and maybe this is different for men, but from the time I had my first child, raising my kids became my main job. My paid work is a far, far second.
I get special consideration because if my job interferes with raising my kids, then I’m out.
I’m not in a position where I am living paycheck to paycheck or I can’t get another job.

Yes I have kids and you’ve completely missed my point.

I don’t get your point then.
If you want a job where you have time for your hobbies, then tell people that and quit if you don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leaned in when my kids were young and I don’t regret it one bit. By the time my youngest was 10, I was in the C suite and I now have a ton of flexibility in my time as I think they need me much more. I am able to spend a lot more time with them that is meaningful. I honestly don’t love babies or toddler stuff so this really worked for me.

That said, I have an incredibly involved husband who does his fair share — if not more than his fair share. And we can afford lots of outsourcing of mundane things like cooking and chores. He has definitely downshifted his career a bit so that I could move up.

My oldest has profound disabilities and will end up in a Medicaid funded facility. There will be plenty of money for my other kid to use to keep an eye on her.

While I am super close with my kids, I would also say I am generally more paternal than maternal by nature. I’m never riddled by guilt and I don’t care what other people think about my choices (other than my actual husband and kids). So this makes things easier.

When your kids are grown and you’re winding down and realizing there’s more to life than your job and money and your lack of “maternal” instincts has led to your family to ignore you I hope you feel the same way.

The problem is that she could quit her job and spend every waking minute with your kids, and they might still dislike you.

You might as well pursue a career and earn money to support yourself and the lifestyle you want to live.

You sound jealous btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

I am an early PP and agree with this 100%. Before I had kids, I wanted flex to be able to do things I enjoyed.

Yea this reads as a significant observation but reality is sometimes kids just want/need their Mamma.

[Anonymous]

I took a high level position at the White House when my kids were 4 and 18 months. I viewed it as a once in a lifetime opportunity. My DH worked as well and was supportive. I did that job for 3 years. It was hard but worth it. My kids are much older now and still remember some of the opportunities.

My recommendation is to do it. If it’s horrible you can always leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

Do you have kids?
I’m a woman, and maybe this is different for men, but from the time I had my first child, raising my kids became my main job. My paid work is a far, far second.
I get special consideration because if my job interferes with raising my kids, then I’m out.
I’m not in a position where I am living paycheck to paycheck or I can’t get another job.

Yes I have kids and you’ve completely missed my point.

I don’t get your point then.
If you want a job where you have time for your hobbies, then tell people that and quit if you don’t get it.

DP - the one who originally posted about time for health and other hobbies as often overlooked in these considerations. Some parents might act entitled about taking leave, but most of us just want humane parental leave policies, which we still don’t have in this country, not universally. Frankly, as a mother of three kids, I don’t have a ton of sympathy for someone who gets pissy because I expect to be able to leave at 5pm every day or whatever. If someone perceives it as entitlement, that might be their own defensiveness at wanting time off for marathon training or sleeping or playing the drums or whatever and not feeling comfortable asking for it. You think it’s comfortable telling your boss you’re pregnant? Pregnant again? Need to go on bed rest?

Anyhoo - most recent PP is right: if you want a job that affords time for family/hobbies/sleep, take a job that gives you that. My larger point was that when people ask this question (can I have a high powered career and still see my kids?) they often ignore other relevant questions, such as, will I have time to regularly sleep more than 7 hours a night? Will I have time to exercise? Can I still keep up my friendships? If you want your life solely to be about career and kids, think about how that will play out long term (usually not well).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most will say no regrets, but that's not the truth. People fake it all the time, even on anonymous forums. Fake it until you believe it.

Agree! Too many women downshift when they shouldn't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you regret any of the trade offs you’ve had to make in terms of relationships in order to have your career? It could be less time with family, friends, spouse, kids, etc?

I’m at a turning point in my cateeer where it could really take off or I could mommy track. I’d love to hear from others on the pluses and minuses of a high powered career.

Do I regret not being around as much as I would've liked during daycare years and some early elementary? Yes. Lengthy commute meant it was hard to drop off (DC couldnt go to school as early as I needed to head out) and hard to pick up (my drive wouldnt allow me to make it to school in time for pick up due to length of commute). That alone made me feel more disconnected than I wanted. I couldnt be there in the morning and got home with an hour to hang out before bed.

That said, I wouldn't be where I am now (title or money wise) without working hard those early years. I was out of the workforce for three years when DC was born and when I went back in, I felt my own pressure of catching up for lost time and proving myself by sacrificing some work/life balance. Thankfully that's all long behind me and post-pandemic it's even better as I'm still hybrid. Executive level, great salary and feel good about being able to pay for school tuition and save for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

porches.

This! All the "high power" women I know have crap relationships with their kids are are disgustingly fat/out of shape, sometimes both. Prioritize what is important to you. For me I like my medium power career, wonderful meaningful relationships, and enjoy great health. I'm probably a nobody to most people though.

And for men this is the same. It's just that society doesn't punish them for sacrificing their relationships with their kids the way women are stigmatized. And society doesn't seem to care if the men are fat and orange, like Trump, but geez if he were a woman of that obesity...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

porches.

This! All the "high power" women I know have crap relationships with their kids are are disgustingly fat/out of shape, sometimes both. Prioritize what is important to you. For me I like my medium power career, wonderful meaningful relationships, and enjoy great health. I'm probably a nobody to most people though.

And for men this is the same. It's just that society doesn't punish them for sacrificing their relationships with their kids the way women are stigmatized. And society doesn't seem to care if the men are fat and orange, like Trump, but geez if he were a woman of that obesity...

I've never seen women with big jobs being systematically fatter in any organization I've worked. In fact, there's a negative relationship between income and BMI for women that doesn't exist for men. This just isn't a thing. If anything, the athlete culture is even stronger for women in positions of power than men.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know any overweight directors, managing directors or c-level high powered women. They are either totally in shape (stress, exercise, care) or maybe pudgy at most but still dress well and exercise.

It’s an SES thing- they eat right, prioritize exercise, hair appts, preventative care, and are highly functional multitaskers who know what to outsource or not.

[Anonymous]

They even bring their lunch so don’t waste time on $15 chipotle lines or sweet green.

If they do have lunch or dinner mtgs it’s an appetizer and salad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any overweight directors, managing directors or c-level high powered women. They are either totally in shape (stress, exercise, care) or maybe pudgy at most but still dress well and exercise.

It’s an SES thing- they eat right, prioritize exercise, hair appts, preventative care, and are highly functional multitaskers who know what to outsource or not.

I know plenty of sleep-deprived, “high-powered” career women - not just those in finance or BigLaw - who don’t prioritize their health in this way. Even the ones you describe might look the part, but that doesn’t mean they have their health together. Most of the ones I know are incredibly tightly-wound and often stressed - that takes a toll on heath over the long run. I mean, if someone’s so stressed out they can’t eat, that’s not healthy, even if it keeps them thin.