Women with high powered careers

[Anonymous]

Do you regret any of the trade offs you’ve had to make in terms of relationships in order to have your career? It could be less time with family, friends, spouse, kids, etc?

I’m at a turning point in my cateeer where it could really take off or I could mommy track. I’d love to hear from others on the pluses and minuses of a high powered career.

[Anonymous]

My career worked when my kids were little because my husband I and switched off who had the “bigger” (more demanding/less flexible/more travel) job every few years. The other parent picked up more slack on the kid and home front.

Now that my kids are upper ES and more active - and actually need me MORE - my career works because I have a super flexible job. I worked very hard to earn enough reputation capital and experience to be more demanding in boundaries and flexibility at this stage.

[Anonymous]

I think it really depends a lot on who you are and what you want.

My sister went for it with the high level career. She works in consulting and stepped back a little for about three years when her kids were really tiny and took and internal role at her company, but then went right back to it. It was absolutely the right decision for her. She was always competitive and would have been unhappy sticking with the mommy track.

I went the other way. I was never super competitive and always really enjoyed kids and nature and being outside. I work in academic medicine. I am part time and have a small clinic where I see patients I have had for a while. Otherwise, I cover other people’s vacations and sick days and do a little teaching. I will never have a big career. My days off, I like to spend outside doing stuff with my kids, tending to my garden, etc.

We are both pretty happy, but I don’t think either of us would want to switch places.

[Anonymous]

I go with the "you can have it all, but not all at once" philosophy. I have downshifted my career at times to prioritize my husband's. He has done the same during certain periods for mine. Ultimately he will retire early and I will still be in prime career years, so then mine will be the priority for the rest of the time.

In my observation it is much, much easier to do this when there is a significant age difference and a significant difference in career stage. DH and I have never had to "compete" with each other career-wise because we are in different stages.

[Anonymous]

No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

[Anonymous]

I kind of stumbled into my role. Don’t need to work, really don’t want me to, and DH thinks I am crazy. On month 3 of my 18th month exit plan.

[Anonymous]

You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

This is a very valid point - from what I've seen it's always the physical health or the marital relationship that takes a hit. Or both.

[Anonymous]

I leaned in when my kids were young and I don’t regret it one bit. By the time my youngest was 10, I was in the C suite and I now have a ton of flexibility in my time as I think they need me much more. I am able to spend a lot more time with them that is meaningful. I honestly don’t love babies or toddler stuff so this really worked for me.

That said, I have an incredibly involved husband who does his fair share — if not more than his fair share. And we can afford lots of outsourcing of mundane things like cooking and chores. He has definitely downshifted his career a bit so that I could move up.

My oldest has profound disabilities and will end up in a Medicaid funded facility. There will be plenty of money for my other kid to use to keep an eye on her.

While I am super close with my kids, I would also say I am generally more paternal than maternal by nature. I’m never riddled by guilt and I don’t care what other people think about my choices (other than my actual husband and kids). So this makes things easier.

[Anonymous]

I found that lots of opportunities came my way even though I chose to step back/down several times. Sometimes I took them, sometimes I said "not right now but please keep asking me."

I wouldn't regret stepping back even if those opportunities never came. But I mention them because you can usually step up and back several times in a career.

One thing I do regret is being so far from family of origin. It's hard to have aging parents far away, and hard to move kids and job. If I could redo any one career choice, it might be the choice to move away for school and my first job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I leaned in when my kids were young and I don’t regret it one bit. By the time my youngest was 10, I was in the C suite and I now have a ton of flexibility in my time as I think they need me much more. I am able to spend a lot more time with them that is meaningful. I honestly don’t love babies or toddler stuff so this really worked for me.

That said, I have an incredibly involved husband who does his fair share — if not more than his fair share. And we can afford lots of outsourcing of mundane things like cooking and chores. He has definitely downshifted his career a bit so that I could move up.

My oldest has profound disabilities and will end up in a Medicaid funded facility. There will be plenty of money for my other kid to use to keep an eye on her.

While I am super close with my kids, I would also say I am generally more paternal than maternal by nature. I’m never riddled by guilt and I don’t care what other people think about my choices (other than my actual husband and kids). So this makes things easier.

Same here. I have never once had "mom guilt" and sometimes feel pressured to fake it!

[Anonymous]

Most will say no regrets, but that's not the truth. People fake it all the time, even on anonymous forums. Fake it until you believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I leaned in when my kids were young and I don’t regret it one bit. By the time my youngest was 10, I was in the C suite and I now have a ton of flexibility in my time as I think they need me much more. I am able to spend a lot more time with them that is meaningful. I honestly don’t love babies or toddler stuff so this really worked for me.

That said, I have an incredibly involved husband who does his fair share — if not more than his fair share. And we can afford lots of outsourcing of mundane things like cooking and chores. He has definitely downshifted his career a bit so that I could move up.

My oldest has profound disabilities and will end up in a Medicaid funded facility. There will be plenty of money for my other kid to use to keep an eye on her.

While I am super close with my kids, I would also say I am generally more paternal than maternal by nature. I’m never riddled by guilt and I don’t care what other people think about my choices (other than my actual husband and kids). So this makes things easier.

When your kids are grown and you’re winding down and realizing there’s more to life than your job and money and your lack of “maternal” instincts has led to your family to ignore you I hope you feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

how do you spend "gobs" of time with your family if you are working 10 hours/day? Is your kid going to bed at 10?

When my kids were younger, their bedtime was 7/7:30, which meant if I got home at 7, I would just put them to bed. Luckily, I would get home at 4:30, have dinner with them, play/read to them, bath time, bed time, then open the laptop after they went to bed.

Is that what you mean?

I found this tiring though. I hated it.