Women with high powered careers

[Anonymous]

The trick was to have my children when I was at a point in my career to be able to dictate the terms that made sense to me. I took six months with each of them, then went back part time until they were each one. Then I did lean back into my work, but set boundaries like I pick up my kids every day. I get back on after they’re in bed.

Another poster has it right— you triage and prioritize. My husband and kids get first dibs. If they’re not getting enough I don’t try to stretch myself to friends or extended family. When my kids need a little less I’ll have a little more to give.

The thing is childhood is short. I know a lot of really unhappy moms of high school students who now resent reporting to 30-something’s because they let their careers stagnate and now they have decades left in the workforce in the menial levels. That life never appealed to me.

[Anonymous]

Is there a “daddy track”? Or is it just assumed that men will continually take on more responsibility (for more money)?

Funny how men literally never ask these questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

I am an early PP and agree with this 100%. Before I had kids, I wanted flex to be able to do things I enjoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

how do you spend "gobs" of time with your family if you are working 10 hours/day? Is your kid going to bed at 10?

When my kids were younger, their bedtime was 7/7:30, which meant if I got home at 7, I would just put them to bed. Luckily, I would get home at 4:30, have dinner with them, play/read to them, bath time, bed time, then open the laptop after they went to bed.

Is that what you mean?

I found this tiring though. I hated it.

DP. I was surprised in the other direction! It’s 10 hours a day and weekends off. That’s only 50 hours a week. It’s honestly not even close to the kind of hours I think of when I think “high powered career.”

I always think more like 70+ hours a week, where you are logging in first thing in the morning and weekends off are rare.

[Anonymous]

Define “high powered”

The number of actual high powered careers are much fewer than the number of careers people think are “high powered”. This rebalances the ROI significantly. A senior executive at a fortune 100 company, a cabinet secretary, senior WH official, or similar role is one thing. A generic big law partner or a consultant at McKinsey is a totally different one - you mean high salaried, not high powered.

[Anonymous]

We all have enough guilt on our own, I don’t think this thread is helpful. As moms we just do the best we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

how do you spend "gobs" of time with your family if you are working 10 hours/day? Is your kid going to bed at 10?

When my kids were younger, their bedtime was 7/7:30, which meant if I got home at 7, I would just put them to bed. Luckily, I would get home at 4:30, have dinner with them, play/read to them, bath time, bed time, then open the laptop after they went to bed.

Is that what you mean?

I found this tiring though. I hated it.

My kids sleep 9-7:30. We live close to work and school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

how do you spend "gobs" of time with your family if you are working 10 hours/day? Is your kid going to bed at 10?

When my kids were younger, their bedtime was 7/7:30, which meant if I got home at 7, I would just put them to bed. Luckily, I would get home at 4:30, have dinner with them, play/read to them, bath time, bed time, then open the laptop after they went to bed.

Is that what you mean?

I found this tiring though. I hated it.

My kids sleep 9-7:30. We live close to work and school.

So you get home at 7, kids go to bed at 9. How is that "gobs" of time spent with your kids? Or you are saying that 2 hours per day on the weekdays is "gobs" of time??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

Also a guy, and I noticed this during my days as a young, single consultant. The unwritten rule was that everybody had to stay late, except this one guy who had a young kid left every day at 5...and the rest of us were fine with that. But I suppose if any of us complained it would affect our performance review, which was a cutthroat competition to see who could be the best team player. Man am I glad I left that life behind.

[Anonymous]

Here's a life hack in this area - only have one kid. Saves a lot of bandwidth for everything else in life

[Anonymous]

Childless men who feel like this are getting screwed... this is cultural and likely you are part of the problem.

Years ago, I read an interview with the editor of a major magazine, who had just had recently had kids. She said the single biggest lesson in becoming a mom was in watching how her staff worked... before she had kids, she used to think that the people staying late were the hardest workers and the most productive members of her team. But afterward, when she was managing her time and her work to be able to leave at 5, she looked at all the others doing the same with respect - and started asked herself what the heck are these people staying late doing all day? Why are they so unproductive and inefficient that they need to stay late?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

Do you have kids?
I’m a woman, and maybe this is different for men, but from the time I had my first child, raising my kids became my main job. My paid work is a far, far second.
I get special consideration because if my job interferes with raising my kids, then I’m out.
I’m not in a position where I am living paycheck to paycheck or I can’t get another job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The trick was to have my children when I was at a point in my career to be able to dictate the terms that made sense to me. I took six months with each of them, then went back part time until they were each one. Then I did lean back into my work, but set boundaries like I pick up my kids every day. I get back on after they’re in bed.

Another poster has it right— you triage and prioritize. My husband and kids get first dibs. If they’re not getting enough I don’t try to stretch myself to friends or extended family. When my kids need a little less I’ll have a little more to give.

The thing is childhood is short. I know a lot of really unhappy moms of high school students who now resent reporting to 30-something’s because they let their careers stagnate and now they have decades left in the workforce in the menial levels. That life never appealed to me.

When my kids need a little less…I used to say things like this. Now I’ve been dealing with teen problems. They can’t be solved by 9pm, and in some ways the after work hours are far more intense than those hours were when they were toddlers.

[Anonymous]

No one will remember your work after you're dead and gone, you'll be replaced before your chair is cold. But your kids will always remember you, they are your only real legacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Childless men who feel like this are getting screwed... this is cultural and likely you are part of the problem.

Years ago, I read an interview with the editor of a major magazine, who had just had recently had kids. She said the single biggest lesson in becoming a mom was in watching how her staff worked... before she had kids, she used to think that the people staying late were the hardest workers and the most productive members of her team. But afterward, when she was managing her time and her work to be able to leave at 5, she looked at all the others doing the same with respect - and started asked herself what the heck are these people staying late doing all day? Why are they so unproductive and inefficient that they need to stay late?

Yea well a magazine isn’t a law firm, for example, where you have billable hours and it’s physically impossible for mommy to work as hard as others if she stops billing at 5